Persephoneers, I need you to grab something sweet, because if you don’t have something dessert-like to sink your teeth into, you may become very cranky while you read this blog. The challenge on Project Runway All Stars this week was to create a tasteful look based on dessert. Well, I know exactly what I would do if I were a PR All Star – I’d make a Cadbury Creme Egg dress. Nothing could be more elegant than red, blue, and green lamÃ© sewn into a flattering egg shape. Maybe a little yolk for a hat? I guarantee all Easter candy lovers would be flocking to
eat admire me.
Not-Heidi went on to explain that the dessert in question would be gelato from L’Arte del Gelato, which is Italian for “I paid how much for this shit?” Hm. Okay. Of all the desserts in the world, they chose gelato. Now, now, before someone calls me a bad word in the comments – I appreciate a nice gelato, I’m just not sure why we want all the models to melt and make the runway sticky. That’s Austin’s job.
One of the flavors was “fruits of the forest.” Would that be acorns or squirrel poop? It turned out to be dark red. So… splatted bird? Yummy, either way.
Things went up from there, for who should magically appear on the runway but Diane von Furstenberg, President of the Council of Fashion Designers of America and creator of gorgeous dresses I cannot afford. Ms. von Awesome informed the designers they would only get six hours to complete the challenge. If you’ve read my nonsensical ramblings before, you will know that I HATE HATE HATE rushed, short challenges. They are stupid. I get that this is a TV show with “challenges” and yada fuckity yada [*snort* ~ed.], but fashion design is an art and a craft all in one, and when you rush art you get an inferior product like reality television, and… oh, wait. I see what they did there. Art is not the point at all. Carry on.
Diane told them all to “just got for it,” which is a nice way of saying, “You better just throw some fabric and maybe a button at a model and pray it sticks, because that’s all you have time to do. Ha ha ha!”
Because of the time constraint, Kenley decided to not try anything new or take a risk, which actually fits quite well with her design aesthetic, which comprises only one dress. Her gelato was “passion fruit.” It’s a flavor I always think I’m going to love until I taste it, and then it underwhelms me to the point of evilly eying someone who has chocolate. So that fits with Kenley really well.
I can sum up the experience in the work room thusly: OMG this time constraint sucks; it is terrible; I need more time; why, oh, why don’t we have more time?; what do I need more of? That would be time; wah wah I am an artist. There was more hysteria in that work room than in a cute Victorian doctor’s office. And yes, the pariah of all decent clothes-worshipers came out: the dreaded glue gun, sent from the depths of hell to ruin garments and make Austin Scarlett’s moustache weep hairy tears.
The only one not singing this refrain was Michael, who can finish garments like a man possessed. Jerell called his pink, flowy gown “so easy a chimpanzee could do it.” I beg to differ – animals can make some amazing things! Have you seen those Naughty Monkey shoes? Adorbs. I wonder how the monkeys keep them so clean in the jungle? When I’m naughty, everything I do is dirty. *Rimshot*
Mila became confused by the fact that two sheer layers of cream-colored fabric would not cover up her model’s whatnots. Sometimes I really wonder if these people live on Planet Earth, where because of Biblical shame most women eschew flashing their tits and merkins at dinner parties. Is every woman Madonna on Planet Flighty Fashion Designer?
This week, in addition to Ms. von Furstenberg, we had model Miranda Kerr judging, who will wear the winning look to an industry event. This could be a problem if Austin wins, as he had to sew his model into the dress. I guess he could just sew the two women together. Wonder Twin Models activate! Form of: unrealistic expectations!
I know you’re wondering how did the gelato show a-go-go? Let’s find out!
The “Oooh! This Gelato is So Yummy I Forget It Costs Half My Rent!” Group:
Mondo, Cantaloupe. His orange and lime caftan/kimono (I know that sounds horrid, but look! fabulous!) breezed down the runway and immediately caused me to curse my bourgeois existence. I want to float upon the beaches of anywhere wearing this! It was a departure for him but boy, did it pay off. It’s pretty hard to design something that so literally looks like a cantaloupe and still have it be fresh. (See what I did there?) Diane thought it was great. The open back went over really well. Not-Heidi criticized the bright color. Not-Heidi was wrong. Isaac said that he, too, hated the orange… while wearing an even brighter shade of orange. Isaac, I hate to say it, but you are no Michael Kors. That man is an orange expert.
Austin, Vanilla Madagascar. Yes, that’s a flavor. This frothy vanilla number is not exactly my taste (as in, I wouldn’t buy this to wear), but it was just plain pretty. It flowed elegantly as she walked and made a frothy little dessert. It did veer juuuuuuuuust on the wrong side of prom, maybe. Really, I just put Austin in this category so it wouldn’t seem like I was all “only Mondo’s didn’t suck!” Which is kinda what I thought.
The “It’s Better Than Aunt Hazel’s Fruit Cake” Group:
Anthony, Green Tea. Even after pausing and staring, I wasn’t sure about the mix of lime green and pale butter yellow. The sculpted bodice in green and the floaty skirt in yellow seemed to be a frankengarment ripped from two different dresses. Plus, I am getting a bit tired of the foldy, pleaty, sculpty bodice look. This lady looked like she was wearing stapled-on napkins. The judges thought it was too conceptual and messy – Anthony explained that the bodice represented melting gelato. The only green that should melt in a dress is the Wicked Witch of the West.
Kenley, Passion Fruit. Kenley designed the same dress she always does, this time in hot pink with dots, a collar, and pussy bow. If this is dessert, it’s a Snackwell’s cookie – not satisfying but maybe will keep you from raiding your hidden stash of four-month-old discount Halloween candy that looks a little chalky now but you don’t have the heart to throw it out.
Mila, Milk and Sour Cherry. Once again we have a pillowcase from Mila. But hey, it’s not black and white! It’s red and white, which does improve the whole thing. It’s fine, but meh. I am not a lady who loves blousey boxiness, so your mileage may vary. Although if it does you are wrong. The judges were mixed – some loving it but Diane thinking that it suffered from the time constraint. Isaac said it was his favorite… and all the other judges gave him The Look.
Michael, Grapefruit. This was a pretty standard ’70s style maxi gown that I could have really dug – in another fabric. But the combo of baby pink + shiny = side eye from me. Something in a soft, elegant jersey would have worked better, in my opinion. The shiny took it from Neiman Marcus to something I’d find on the sale rack at Ross when I went looking for a bloggin’ outfit. Isaac liked the dress, but didn’t adore the color. Michael went crazy, for his idol, Diane, loved it. She told him to call her after the show. Even my cold, black heart lifted to hear that. Go, Michael!
April, Blueberry. This look was nothing groundbreaking, but the color combo of dark purple tulle over royal purple was delightful. It was not bad coming, but going – oy. There was barely enough fabric to cover the nice lady’s butt cheeks. You could really see how much shorter it was in back. That pesky derriere – it’ll trip you up every time. The judges had her remove the belt and already the dress looked better.
The “This is the Kind of Dessert that Only Old People Who Have Lost all Their Taste Buds and Might be on a Lot of Psychotropic Drugs Can Appreciate” Group:
Rami, Kiwi. Oh, Rami. Did a Kiwi eat your baby? What did that delightful fruit ever do to deserve this green polkadot nightmare? Last week we had Miss Piggy – this week you murdered Kermit and used his skin in an artwork called “The Futility of Life and Also I am Colorblind.” It looks like an Ikea shower curtain open-box sale with a belt thrown on. It should be called Gabsplateenbooortun, for that is how it makes me feel. Don’t take your penchant for drapery so literally! And the hem was crooked. Spoiler – this thing wasn’t even in the bottom three. AM I TAKING CRAZY PILLS?!
Jerell, Fruits of the Forest. Earlier in the blog I wondered what the hell “fruits of the forest” tasted like. Now I know they taste of stale hipster girls frolicking in a quarry while smoking cigarettes and posing badly for empty-eyed “photo shoots” that they then share on their blog while misusing “there, their, and they’re.” No. Just no. Jerell, you need to learn to make a bodice that does not involve black electrical tape. This look is one feather away from declaring itself an “Indian” because grandpa was 1/8478379th Cherokee.
Kara, Chocolate with Cayenne Pepper. Jerell called this look “pregnant cupcake.” I don’t think I can do any better than that, although “droopy pinata” also comes to mind.
Michael was the winner. I guess that doesn’t offend me too much. Mondo was in second place. Sad trombone.
April and Kara toppled into the bottom two. April got voted out of Candy Land, and that surprised me a little. I thought Kara would get the axe.
I don’t think I’ve ever disagreed with the judges overall the way I have this season. I’m pursing my lips while watching like it’s a political debate. Oh, well. Not everyone can be as brilliant as I am! What say you, Persephone readers? Is my taste all in my mouth?