The Frisky Feminist

“What If I Can’t Really Feel the Motion of the Ocean?”

Q: Okay, so, I have a new sexy times partner (yay!). We’re getting to know each other and so far he seems open to new things and he listens. I always get a heck of nervous with a new partner, but eventually I mellow out, so I’m not worried about that. Here’s the thing: dude has a small penis. Yes, it’s the motion of the ocean, but here’s the thing: I can’t really tell when he’s inside me, especially when I’m on top, which is awful because that’s the position where it’s easiest for me to come. I sort of get into a rhythm and he’s suddenly not inside me and it’s so very awkward. I really like this guy and he’s so good at other sexy times things, but I need some advice on dealing with the whole P-in-V thing.

A: That’s great that things are going pretty well so far! So let’s see if we can come up with some suggestions for how to approach P-in-V sex.

Have you tried different kinds of motion when you’re on top? Moving your hips back and forth or in circles or really grinding on him instead of more up-and-down thrusting might help keep him inside you, and if you enjoy additional clitoral stimulation during P-in-V sex, grinding and circling your hips can also add some of that, as well. Have you tried having him in slightly different positions, too? He could be lying flat on his back, he could try bending or unbending his knees, he could even sit up a little bit; small changes in angle might help you figure out if there’s a particular angle that keeps his penis inside you better.

You might also try spending even more time on foreplay and other kinds of sex so that you’re as turned on as possible by the time you move onto P-in-V sex–that might help you have an orgasm more quickly, more easily, or both so that there aren’t as many interruptions in your rhythm or so that you’ll be close enough anyway that a small interruption won’t throw you off. Also, how do you handle it when he slips out? I’ve had that happen with nervous partners before, and it worked best for both of us if I just popped him back inside me and started going at it again as opposed to dwelling on it or feeling embarrassed and stopping; that may help minimize the interrupted feeling for you, too.

It might feel a little early to introduce toys into the mix, but if you feel comfortable doing so, it could be worth considering a cock ring. They don’t dramatically alter the size of someone’s penis, but they can help keep it a bit firmer, which may or may not help with the sliding out issue. (And again, if you’re a fan of clitoral stimulation during PIV sex, there are cock rings with lots of bells and whistles [er, metaphorically–as far as we know, at least] to help provide that.)

There are also extensions and hollow strap-ons that you could try, if your partner is willing. It is entirely understandable if he’d rather not use them, though–even the most open and forward-thinking dudes can end up feeling insecure and inadequate in the face of a culture that tells them they might as well not even bother having sex unless they’re of Priapic proportions, and for some people, these tools just exacerbate the feeling. Besides, chances are that he already has all the tools he needs at his disposal anyway–it’s just a matter of finding new ways to use them, which can be a continuous and very enjoyable process over the whole course of a relationship. Hell, we’re going on three years of great sex together, and we still regularly surprise ourselves with little adjustments to movements and positions that open up whole new worlds of pleasure. As with any new partner, you have the opportunity to experiment with what works best for both of you, which means that at the very least, you’ll be having lots of sex as you figure that out.

Persephoneers, we always like to hear from you! Have any of you had a sliding-out issue with a partner? What did you do?


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By paperispatient

I recently earned my MA in women’s studies. I enjoy reading, working out, playing Scrabble, watching cheesy movies, and cooking yummy vegetarian meals with my partner and Frisky Feminist co-author, Future Mr. paperispatient.

2 replies on ““What If I Can’t Really Feel the Motion of the Ocean?””

KitzyKid’s is a good suggestion. Also if he puts his hands up towards you, you can hold on to them – can be very intimate-yet-take-charge-y plus handy leverage for you. Also you could try positions that give him more depth while also giving one or both of your hands access to your clitoris to e.g.: ‘doggy style’.

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