The Frisky Feminist

Our Second Favorite Thing To Do In Bed

I’ve been saying for a while now (mostly to myself but sometimes to future Mr. paperispatient) that I’d like to do more reviews for this column…We always like to mix things up, and the few reviews we’ve done so far were really fun to write. And we know you all are a bookish and clever lot and thought you might enjoy being included so that we can have more of a book discussion as opposed to us reviewing it and you taking our word for it that this book is awesome or that book is embarrassingly awful.

Future Mr. paperispatient got me The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book for Hanukkah, which was unfortunately right around the time that my job got extra busy and hectic, and they’ve been sitting on my nightstand just waiting for me to pick them up and curl up with them and a glass of wine and a pencil to mark my favorite parts. So if anybody is interested in joining in, we’ll be reviewing them in a couple weeks. (How soon exactly depends mostly on how quickly we can both read them – if any of you want to read along, we can set a more helpful schedule in the comments!) We haven’t decided yet if we’re going to devote a separate post to each one or have more of a dialogue between the two in one post, but that’s what the two of us are going to be reading, and if anybody is interested in reading along with us, how fun would that be? Most of the sex stores I’ve been to have copies of the books, and they’re also available new or used or in your e-book form of choice on sites like Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

“I use this exclusively for reading smut in public.”

And if you don’t have time right now or the dynamics of topping and bottoming don’t pique your interest, let us know in the comments – are there any sex-related books you’ve been wanting to read or that you’d like to have a discussion on? They can be old or new, classics or new releases everyone is buzzing about. We’re thinking more informative/instructional/nonfiction type books as opposed to erotica (although now that I think about it, I have been wanting to reread Delta of Venus), but we’re open and ready for suggestions! And if we were to form a sex-related book club, what should our name be, and can we incorporate any nerdy puns into it?

And how prominently can we use the letter “O” without getting sued?


Keep the great ques­tions com­ing! (Hee.) Got a ques­tion to ask, sub­ject you’d like us to dis­cuss, or myth you’d like us to bust? You can e-mail us at or send us an anony­mous mes­sage via the spiffy new Ask Us! fea­ture here.

By paperispatient

I recently earned my MA in women’s studies. I enjoy reading, working out, playing Scrabble, watching cheesy movies, and cooking yummy vegetarian meals with my partner and Frisky Feminist co-author, Future Mr. paperispatient.

10 replies on “Our Second Favorite Thing To Do In Bed”

I’ve recently gotten interested in D&S because while I am not actually a dom/domme (eh I’m agender so I’m not sure which one to use)/like being dominant, I’ve heard someone talking about being a dom/domme as enabling a sub’s fantasies, which is something I do really like, so I’ve started thinking I’d probably enjoy it. But I was wondering if anybody knew of good resources for non-sexual D&S stuff? I’m a repulsed asexual but increasingly sensual (meaning enjoying cuddling/kissing/physical contact not involving genitals), and sex might be part of that enabling thing, but I’m not sure if that’d overcome my repulsed-ness, so I guess at the moment I’m just interested in the non-sexual side. I’m sure it exists, but I’m just not sure where I’d learn about it. I mean I’m not in a relationship right now, and don’t see one happening soon (not in a depressing way, I don’t believe in being in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship and if it hasn’t come up yet I don’t want to force it), so I guess this isn’t for right now, but I saw this and figured it’d be a good place to ask.

And man that ended up being way longer than I planned.

Non-sexual BDSM definitely exists! The topping and bottoming books we’re reading have a lot of information and suggestions for books/sites/etc, so I’ll keep an eye out and explore some of them to pass along if they seem like they’d be helpful. If I can find enough info (and I’m certain it’s out there and it’s just a matter of figuring out where it is), we can devote a whole post to it!

And as for helping enable someone’s fantasies, I think that both dominant and submissive people can do that – I’ve always had fantasies in which I’m dominating a partner and in which a partner is dominating me, so whatever role future Mr. paperispatient takes on when we’re playing [which usually but doesn’t always involve sex], he’s helping fulfill some of my fantasies while I’m also helping fulfill some of his. That’s one of the lovely things about BDSM, so me – the space and flexibility to explore lots of different parts of your personality that you may not have know were there to figure out what makes you tick. :)

I’m interested in S&M from an academic or intellectual POV. I have no desire to be a bottom and I don’t think I could be a top. Also, I still haven’t had sex yet but that’s not the point. And I have a friend who has a sub, and she tells me a lot about what they do.
Anyway those books sound really interesting. Have you read Come Hither: A Commonsense Guide To Kinky Sex by Gloria G. Brame? I read it a few years ago and really enjoyed it…I’ve been meaning to pick it up again. I wouldn’t use an ereader though; I prefer to shock people who glance at what I’m reading.

I have read Come Hither! I thought her emphasis on communicating with your partner and starting to explore one or both of your fantasies was awesome, but I recall being extremely frustrated with the way she repeatedly conflated cross-dressing with being transsexual in one particular chapter, and I felt like she talked about that particular subject overall in a really objectifying and problematic way. I’m interested in BDSM both in an academic/intellectual way and because it’s a big part of future Mr. paperispatient’s and my relationship (he identifies as submissive and I identify as a switch). If you decide to read the books and shock some people with the covers, you’ll have to let us know and chime in during our discussion! (I have them in hard copy too – I love my Nook, but when I anticipate wanting to underline and make notes in a book, paper copy always wins.)

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