Sadly, Miss Worded had prior commitments this week and she was unable to give us our weekly dose of snarkastic commentary on Project Runway All Stars. Selena and I discussed, and we thought it would be fun if the two of us (with a little help from Slay Belle) did a liveblog of the episode, in our secret Internet bunker, and re-posted it in Miss Worded’s place. As it turns out, this was a good week for it. The challenge was to design a costume for a character on Broadway and the resulting runway was so surreal, our mishmash of muddled comments is the only way we could truly convey the strangeness of “Puttin’ on the Glitz.”
The following was blogged before a live studio audience.
Selena: TEAM MONDO.
SaraB: I will do my best to be fair to everyone who is not Mondo, just to give them a chance.
S: I’m going to miss Rami, mostly b/c he is hot.
SB: I do like bald men.
S: Shush, Kenley!
SB: Yeah, she sounded really broken up there.
S: What the hell is on her head?
SB: A beehive with an inappropriate pink floppy thing.
S: Project Runway: Ruching Jesus.
SB: I am so distracted by Kenley’s bizarre outfit.
S: Damn, they aren’t dressing Jesus.
SB: Austin’s moustache will be happy being intentionally ostentatious.
S: The hat works with the moustache.
SB: I want to absorb Mondo’s magic.
S: Me too.
SB: I like the direction Kara is going for an over the top rick bitch costume with the red lined fur stole.
SB: THAT’S why Kenley’s head looks so weird! She’s wearing curlers.
S: Oh, Kenley didn’t take her curlers out, that explains the Rosie the Serger look she’s got going on.
S: Oooh, I like where Kara is going, too.
S: Mila is so Jan Brady.
SB: Mila’s heart is two sizes too small.
S: NotTim disagrees with us.
SB: Who is she? I recognize her, but I am getting my reality fashion shows mixed up and I can’t remember where she is from.
S: She’s the editor of Marie Claire, I think.
SB: I keep thinking she is the one who did the salon makeover show.
S: Ha! That’s Tabitha.
SB: OK, Joanna has just been a guest judge a few times, but she is a lot like Tabitha, no?
S: Yeah, they could be twins.
SB: Pamprin, not just for women in the ’50s anymore.
S: Lifetime commercials make me hate the patriarchy.
SB: Most commercials do.
S: Someone stole all the Army Wives’ shoes.
Slay Belle: Joanna Cole. She was on Marie Claire’s reality series about magazine interns. I really love her.
SB: I do too, she is just suffering from being Not Tim Gunn.
**Back to the show**
Slay: I’m a couple of minutes behind you guys, I think, since she just walked into the workroom.
SB: Austin is the king of rococo.
S: My cat is trying to help me type this. She is also a MONDO fan.
S: What’s a chubby? I’ve always heard it as a euphemism for a boner.
SB: Dirndl does not say rich to me.
SB: I’m glad we are not playing the “every time they say ‘Rich”” drinking game.
S: Mondo and Austin both picked great stage fabrics, I think they’ll read really well on stage.
S: Oh, ombre. Not a fan.
SB: Jerell’s trim will not read from 20′.
S: OH GOD NO KENLEY.
SB: Oh Kenley, WTF?
S: Kara’s getting the sympathy edit, I bet she’s out tonight.
SB:That’s what I was going to say.
SB: “I miss my kids” is the reality show kiss of death.
S: Damnit, I like Michael’s so far.
S: And I don’t like Mondo’s. IS THIS BIZARRO WORLD?
SB: Is the actress going to start out naked? Because that’s the only way Michael’s will work with the open back.
SB: Mondo knows it needs work. I have faith.
SB: He’s being too hard on himself.
Slay: I know I am totally in the minority here, but I really like Mila.
S: “No one pushes Austin Scarlett around” Indeed.
SB: How do these people fit in elevators with their giant egos?
S: I liked Mila a lot during her season, I just haven’t been impressed with her or her work this time around.
SB: I liked her OK, but her color blocking mod look got a little boring. Maybe because my figure does not work well in that style. I end up looking like a toddler toy, with big blocks of color and all rounded edges.
SB: I do not look like that when I do Wii Zumba.
S: Me neither.
S: Mostly b/c I stop and have a smoke before I get that sweaty.
**Back to the show**
S: Ooh, everyone is getting cranky.
SB: It’s bitchy time.
S: Drink if someone says “smokey eye” in the L’Oreal makeup salon.
SB: If Kara’s model stood on her head, she would look like Kenley.
SB: Scarlett/Mizrahi catfight!
S: My money’s on Scarlett.
SB: His moustache will jump off and start rabbit punching Mizrahi in the kidneys.
S: I would buy that on Pay-Per-View.
S: NotHeidi is dressed like a disco ball.
S: Damn, I was hoping for an Idina or a Bernadette on the judges panel .
SB: That would have been awesome.
S: No, Michael, no. My opinion has changed.
S: I can’t even think of a bon mot for Kenley, it’s so ugly.
SB: What kind of shit are these people smoking?
S: Sweet mother of bobbins, this is a nightmare.
SB: I keep wanting to pause to explore the awfulness, but I don’t want to miss anything.
S: I like Kara’s! A lot!
SB: I know Kara’s actually came out looking like a real person, not a drug induced nightmare.
S: Mondo nailed it.
S: I already forgot what Jerell’s looked like.
SB: Jerell belongs in the middle, she looked kind of drab, but like a normal person.
SB: WHAT! more eccentric?
S: These judges are terrible.
SB: She looks like the scraps on the floor of a wrapping paper stand.
SB: No catfight :(
S: Mila’s is a neon shitstorm come to life.
SB: It doesn’t work because it is horrible, and hooker clothes.
S: I can’t tell which ones they actually like and which ones they don’t.
SB: They seem to like everything
SB: That’s a really big bow.
S: Michael’s would work in The Hunger Games.
S: Okay, top three are Michael, Austin and Mondo.
SB: I think the moustache wins.
S: Go directly to Mila’s look, do not pass go, do not cover yourself in cat vomit.
SB: Kara or Kenley?
SB: My money’s on Kara.
S: Yeah, I’m guessing either Kara or Mila, but I bet it’s Kara.
S: I think Mondo is going to win.
SB: The suspense is killing me. I hope it will last.
S: Ha! Gene Wilder makes everything better.
SB: A purple velvet tail coat would have made Kenley’s look a thousand times better.
SB: With a tiny green top hat? Perfection.
SB: What the hell is “I just want my pants back”?
S: NAILED IT! (Mondo won!)
SB: Cheering wildly.
S: Willy Wonka lives to fight another day.
SB: So be it.
SB: The hooker beats the big bow.
S: The pucker right on her model’s asshole really didn’t do Kara any favors.
SB: Ass puckers can ruin even the best look.
Slay: I’d dress like all these rich bag ladies.
S: And… SCENE.
In case you didn’t catch all that, Mondo won and Kara was out.
To give you a slightly better idea of what we were talking about, since our liveblog is a little like watching MST3K without a picture, here are the runway photos and Selena’s more concise descriptions of each look:
Jerrell – Instantly forgettable.
Mila – Sour milk and green skittles.
Kenley – AbFab + Zooey Deschanel + cat in a blender
Kara – Pucker up for a kiss goodbye.
Austin – My pretty, pretty catsuit, covered in a weather balloon.
Michael – May the odds be ever in his chartreuse favor.
Mondo – Post-modern Mrs. Roper meets Erte.
So tell me, was this episode as bizarre as we thought it was, or did we just get caught up in the commenting chaos?