We’ve all been there – “there” being the shame spiral that follows quickly on the heels of hurting a friend’s feelings, fighting with your S.O., disappointing your family, cutting funding that helps thousands of low-income women receive potentially life-saving cancer screenings, etc.
Usually an apology and attempt to rectify the wrongdoing does the trick. But sometimes your screw-up is so massive that only a Public Scene or Grandiose Gesture can possibly repair the shattered relationship. Time for S.G.K. for the C. to consider these options:
- Hire the Goodyear blimp to fly over P.P.’s headquarters. Hire Tom Cruise to repeat the unicorn apology from “Legend” over a PA system.
- Get Tim Tebow to write “P.P. Rules” on his eye black. This may entail telling him “P.P.” stands for “Protestant Power.”
- Ask Barack what he does when Michelle is mad at him. Do that at least seven times.
- Lease a submarine. Head to the Atlantic. Recover the Heart of the Ocean. You know what to do from here.
- Join the Church of Scientology. Progress to auditing level 17,843. Tell P.P. all the secrets.
- Send P.P. 1,000 yellow daisies. Consider moving to Connecticut and teaching English at an impossibly preppy private school.
- Commission a limited edition Swarovski crystal pink bra. Burn it. That was the worst apology idea ever.
- Win an EGOT. Dedicate your acceptance speech to P.P. Keep the EGOT trophies though, because that’s a big deal.
- Learn to speak French. It’ll just make you feel better.
- Convince J.K. Rowling to write a Harry Potter prequel about Lily Potter’s youth as an ardent P.P. volunteer. Under no circumstances let her write an eighth book.
- Take out full-page ads in every major national newspaper. Just run “Call me” next to a pink ribbon. P.P. will know.
- Name a star after P.P. Shit, name a whole solar system after P.P. and mail their headquarters a NASA telescope programmed to the coordinates of their new solar system.
- Take P.P.’s mom to lunch. Feel bad because that’s cheating.
- Buy out the Staples Center and invite all the L.A.-area P.P. folks to a private screening of Titanic. What? Justin Bieber’s no fool.
- If all else fails, buy a trench coat and a boombox and do your thing outside P.P.’s bedroom window. Peter Gabriel optional.
Lastly, on a serious note, Huffington Post has a post up by Cecile Richards, president of Planned Parenthood Action Plan, with information about how concerned women can protest Komen’s decision and/or donate directly to P.P.
4 replies on “Ways Susan G. Komen for the Cure Can Make it Up to Planned Parenthood”
dying.
this is now one of my new favourite Perseph pieces ever. LOVE the Gilmore Girls one.
Can we get JKR to write “Severus Snape:Â The Man, The Mystery” instead?
Because I really need that book. NOW.
Other suggestions:
– Bring P.P. the ruby slippers of the Wicked Witch of the East.
– Get Donald Trump’s hairpiece and burn it.
– Secure P.P. a star on the Hollywood walk of fame.
– Write a children’s book in the honor of P.P. about two girls who decide to stick together despite the ugly lies of a rival boys club.
LOL.