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Fat Sex: What Everyone Wants to Know but is Afraid to Ask

I’m a fat woman. I’m a fat woman who has had lots and lots of awesome sex almost exclusively with partners much smaller than myself. When I met my current partner a year ago, I was at my fattest, about 150 lbs heavier than he is, making our sex the most drastic in terms of size difference relative to my past partners. Most women I know would not be comfortable with that size difference, and in candid moments, friends have asked, “So, how does that work?” The short answer? It works just great and I love it. There are many misconceptions about how fat people have sex, especially when one partner is fat and the other isn’t. I’m here to explore that topic, specifically the issue of being a fat woman having sex with a smaller partner.1

I know many women who would love to have sex with smaller partners but feel that it wouldn’t work mechanically, that two drastically different bodies couldn’t come together in a pleasurable way. Additionally, many women who do have smaller partners tell me they don’t totally enjoy sex because they feel self-conscious, embarrassed, or unfulfilled because they can’t “let go” during sex. This brings me to what I feel is one of the most important parts of enjoying sex as a fat woman:

You’ll need to overcome the idea that your partner doesn’t know how fat you are. 

Your partner knows, and guess what? He or she wants to have sex with you. When I was a young chubbette, I remember trying to contort my body into more “flattering” positions while I was having sex, as if my partner didn’t notice my belly was getting paunchy. I’d arch my back, refuse to do positions that made me “feel fat,” and drape different parts of my body with a blanket or pillow to hide my increasingly chubby body. Sometimes that made me feel more at ease, but mostly it became tedious, distracted me from feeling sexy, and annoyed the crap out of my partner who just wanted to see his hot girlfriend naked. Once I became much larger than I’d been before, I simply refused to have the lights on during sex for the same reason – “He won’t know what my body looks like if I don’t show him.” Well, he totally knew how fat I was, and guess what? He still wanted to have sex with me, and what’s more, he loved having sex with me. It took me a long time to realize that my partners were having sex with me in part because of the way my body looks, not in spite of the way my body looks. It sounds simple, I know, but when you spend your whole life being told that fat bodies are not sexy, it takes some time to realize that sexiness isn’t that simple. This understanding is not something that happens overnight for most of us. Hell, it can take years. But, the sooner you learn (yes, learn) to feel sexy just the way you are, the sooner you’ll be able to enjoy your sexuality more fully. Really, this goes for men and women of all sizes, not just fat women. You owe it to yourself and your partner to trust that he or she really desires you and to do the best you can to keep that in mind when you find you have a hard time letting go and really being seen during sex. As a good friend of mine put it:

In our culture we have been taught to dread being able to pinch more than an inch and to be disgusted with our muffin tops. Even if we are thoroughly rad and feminist and above that sort of self-hating thinking, sometimes we don’t like what we see in the mirror, and sharing one’s body with another human being is an incredibly vulnerable act that can bring out our insecurities. But know this: the one place you should never, ever be ashamed of your body is during sex. That is the time to celebrate its capacity for giving and receiving pleasure. Instead of pulling away, enjoy it when your partner embraces your stomach or fondles it – soft voluptuous flesh can be a real turn-on. The way a woman’s form often holds its extra weight – around the belly, hips, thighs – is seen by many partners to be uniquely feminine and extremely erotic. The love handles you might hide under hoodies during the day should come out at night in all their glory.

Getting started

You’re going to need a few things. First, get some big, firm pillows. Pillows are a fat girl’s best friend during sex. Next, find a firm, yet springy surface to do it on. Pillow top mattresses and memory foam tend to not be as easy to have sex on since you sink down into those surfaces instead of bouncing back. Next, get some decent water-based lubricant, just in case. I’ve heard a lot about fat women having “big vaginas,” which honestly doesn’t make any sense at all. The vagina is inside of the body. That would be like saying that fat women have bigger kidneys just because they’re fat. It’s nonsense. What’s far more likely is that you may just encounter the opposite – a fat woman’s vagina can be hard enter, especially if it’s not properly lubricated. Fat women can have more padding around the vagina (on their mons pubis and labia) than a thin woman, creating a potentially tricky situation. If your partner tries to enter your vagina when it’s not sufficiently lubricated or doesn’t take the time to part the labia, there can be resistance. If you’re lubricated well and take care to spread apart the fat surrounding the vagina, you should be good to go.

Fat Sex Positions

Not all sexual positions work for fat people and that’s okay. Many positions are challenging for everyone except gymnasts, so don’t feel like it’s just about you being too fat to do them. Most people have trouble with those positions. Personally, I have little to no interest in doing gravity-defying positions, so that’s not a problem, but I do miss being able to spoon-fuck (my ass is simply too large for any penis, no matter how gigantic, to find its way into my vagina in that position). More than any advice I can give you about where to put pillows, it’s going to take communication with your partner to find positions that work well for you. You’re going to need to talk about your fat, move it around, try out different positions, knowing and accepting ahead of time that it may not work out. A sense of humor is especially helpful when you’re trying out new things! You don’t need to be embarrassed, and hopefully, you have a loving, communicative partner who won’t make you feel that way. I believe that as long as your partner is GGG, the two of you will be able to experiment in a productive, positive way. If your partner won’t communicate about your sex life? Well, I think that’s a whole other article, but for the moment, I will give you permission to go ahead and stop having sex with that person until they are willing and able to make sex enjoyable for you.

Here is how I modify three standard sexual positions to make them Fat Sex friendly.

Missionary

Depending on the size difference between you and your partner, missionary can be either no big deal or a bit of a challenge. A big belly and thick thighs can and DO get in the way during plain ol’ missionary; however, you can make missionary really work for you in a couple different ways. First, get those pillows out. Put a pillow under either the small of your back or right under your butt. Second, draw your knees up and pull your thighs toward your chest.

This will give your partner optimal thrusting room since this positioning moves your thighs out of the way and really opens the vagina up for deep penetration. Plus, these simple modifications on missionary allow you more room to really feel your partner thrust! When I was heavier I couldn’t reach past my belly to grab my partner’s butt while he was thrusting, which was a bummer. Once he began moving me around a bit, I found I could really get a hold on him and we both started having a really good time.

Being on Top

If you hear nothing else I’ve had to say, know this – you are not going to crush your partner if you get on top of him or her during sex. As Hanne Blank says in Big Big Love- A sex and relationship guide for people of size (and those who love them), “No, you aren’t going to crush, smother, suffocate, smash, or otherwise injure anyone you have sex with…even if you’re honest-to-god super duper fataroonie fatapalooza fat fattity fat. Really.” I officially give you permission right this moment to get on top of your partner and ride that penis or strap-on until the cows come home. Now that we have that out of the way, here’s  how to make it work. First, know you may need to move your fat around until it feels comfortable. When I was heavier, I’d have to literally pick my belly up and move it around. Same with my thighs. Don’t be afraid to do it! Bellies hang and thighs can swallow up a small partner, so repositioning is necessary in those instances. Second, put a pillow under your partner’s butt to elevate him or her higher. This makes it easier to really get down on it, so to speak. When you do this, evenly distribute your weight by planting your hands firmly on the bed instead of sitting straight up. This will give you lots of control.

 

Another issue many women have with being on top, other than the fear of crushing their partner, is mobility. I’m not going to lie, being a fat girl on top can be physically exhausting and awkward to figure out. If you find that you become tired, allow your partner to hold you still and do all the thrusting from below! That can be a really nice compromise and can maximize your time on top. Finally, once I figured out that thrusting down on my partner was actually easier because I was fat, a whole new world opened up! Easier? Yes, I said easier! You see, when you’ve got a really huge bottom, you can use the momentum and sheer force of your ass to thrust down on our partner. Kind of like this. Pop it, girl.

Doggie

Doggie is a favorite fat sex position because it gives your partner plenty of room to work with, plus the belly is out of the way. However, if you’re blessed with an especially large behind, as I am, you may find that even doggie can be a challenge. Personally, I do not find being on all-fours-doggie as easy as a modified doggie where you place your head lower than your behind, like this:

You can further modify doggie by laying down with a pillow under your belly like so-

This position props your butt up creating lots of space for penetration and it’s super comfortable! I highly recommend it.

What I’ve covered here isn’t all there is to fat sex. I highly recommend the book I’ve linked above: Big Big Love- A sex and relationship guide for people of size (and those who love them). I would also love to hear from the community here at Persephone. How have you made fat sex work for you? What is challenging about it? What do you enjoy about it? Surely I’m not the only fat woman who enjoys her sex life! Please feel free to share for those readers who are struggling with this issue.

As always, you can submit all your vaginal and sexual health queries either anonymously at http://msvaginascience.tumblr.com/ask or not so anonymously at msvaginascience@gmail.com

Fat sex is a very big issue (heh). Because my area of expertise is limited to sex with size difference as a female bodied woman with a vagina, I chose not to explore other areas of fat sex, such as the mechanics of two fat people having sex or trans fat sex for women without vaginas. I believe those issues are very important, but since I cannot speak to those experiences, I did not feel comfortable addressing them. I welcome all here with that experience to speak up and contribute if they feel comfortable.

By msvaginascience

Feminist, Mother, Lover, Fat Babe, Student and Case Worker Extraordinaire, serving high risk women and families in Seattle. My background is in Midwifery, Public Health Research, Sexual Education and Childbirth Education.

37 replies on “Fat Sex: What Everyone Wants to Know but is Afraid to Ask”

To be completely honest! I only made this account so I could comment on here…. As a BBW I am not very confident with my body, but after reading this it’s helped me realize that I need to love myself for how I am! I am 260lbs and I’ve never been more happy with how I look right now. :)

So thank you for posting this!! You’ve helped me a lot!

I too must bow down to that beautiful ass!  I have one just as beautiful at home, but alas she doesn’t believe it!  So, I have to believe it twice as much for the both of us.  We have been together and monogamous for 32 years.  I’m still incredibly hot for her and still have erotic dreams about her.  She is embarrassed by this!  I actually have some advice, If you have a partner that loves you, on days that the fat committee comes to your house immediately get naked and sex your partner twice as much as usual.  Don’t worry if they protest, just do it!  I don’t really have any excuse why I just posted that except I am hoping my wife reads it and takes it to heart.  BBW of the world remember this  since the dawn of time ample breasts and luxuriant thighs have been a sign of womanhood and beauty.  It is only in the last 50 years that a boyish figure has become stylish.  30,000 v. 50 you do the math!

One Actual Tip: In the modified Missionary, try using a robe belt under your knees so the arms can help keep your thighs up.  Then tie up your partner

 

I just started a relationship with a professional athlete (omg wtf – how did that ever happen?). I am very overweight and super uncomfortable with his pleasure in my body. Thank you for the encouragement. Maybe (just maybe) it’s time to put away the spanx.

This is fantastic. Last fall I met a large guy (larger than me, even) on a dating site and was so nervous about sex with him, I ended the relationship. I even googled “fat sex” back then for pointers. I have been having a hard time believing that I’m capable of being sexy anymore and this entire article, which I’ve read three times now, has really given me hope. Thank you a million times over. :)

 

This is a great piece! I highly recommend liberator pillows, as they tend to be firmer, and comfortably hold even my 250# body.

Also, a friend told me fat women are often tighter than very thin women because their pelvic floor muscles have to hold up more weight. Do your kegels regularly and you’re good to go!

I can’t overstate my joy at reading this. I was excited enough that I couldn’t sleep and stayed up to address a long-percolating topic on my own website, linking back here. It should be cross-posted to dodsonandross.com shortly.

Here’s to subverting bodyshame!

You rock.

 

Thank you for this article.

I’ve been with the same man for over 30 years and, during that time, my weight has been all over the place. You’d think that in all that time I’d have achieved a greater degree of comfort. However, I still try to hide my tummy under the blanket. Thank you for the reminder that, “You’ll need to overcome the idea that your partner doesn’t know how fat you are. Your partner knows, and guess what? He or she wants to have sex with you.”

Ah, words of wisdom! God created us as sexual beings and I firmly believe that our sexuality is one of our greatest gifts. There’s no reason that should change just because we’re big girls!

I actually find I haven’t been able to do even modified Doggy, even when I was a little smaller. (I’m 262-5, my lightest that I’ve had sex at was 175-80) Between my ass and where my vaginal opening sits, it just doesn’t happen. . . even when with an, um, endowed partner? I’ve even tried moving my head as close to my knees as my belly allows, and while penetration is possible, it’s not possible to actually continue further than just that.

On the other hand, Reverse cowgirl and modifications there of! Okay, part of it is being able to watch tv at the same time, but a modification there of is the closest I’ve gotten to doggy. Note: I have been fairly flexible- I’m less so now because of health reasons, though If I do a lot of stretches before hand it does increase my mobility.

Also, along the lines of you won’t squish your partner: You won’t even  squish them if they are performing oral with you on top. really. You may have to practice how they come up for air, but you will not crush their head. I promise!

PS: I agree, lovely ass. :)

Re: spoon position, my partner and I have successfully modified that one by coming together at more of a V-angle rather than my back smack to his chest. I can loop my left leg around his and prop myself up that way and it tends to be awesome! Some slippage still occurs, but not often.

Finally, DAT ASS. I bow before it, MsVag.

You know, I’ve heard all the “fat acceptance” stuff and I agree with it, but I think you’re the first person to say to me that it’s okay to be fat and have sex. That’s a truly powerful statement. Thank you so much.

Great article! I really appreciate that you’re willing to, er, put yourself out there (??) to help others.

A note: In the positions challenging except for a gymnast article (linked) the “linguini” is actually pretty good for the overweight if you turn slightly so you are on your side with your knees up and lift a leg. He kneels, straddles your leg on the bed and you’re good to go. Great if your partner has back problems. Great if YOU have back problems. As you can probably tell, it’s one of our favorites.

This was a really wonderful read.
One of my stated goals with new therapist is to really believe, without qualifications, my husband when he tells me I’m sexy. I’ll take all the positive reinforcement I can get.

Also agreeing with other comments: your ass is amazing. :)

Damn. I wanted to click “smarter” and “tickled”. Boo. This was a lovely article to read, thank you so much for sharing all that you had to say! Especially love what your friend said:

But know this: the one place you should never, ever be ashamed of your body is during sex. The love handles you might hide under hoodies during the day should come out at night in all their glory.

These are pretty much words I live by. I don’t have the best relationship with my body, though I am – almost – at peace with it now, but in bed? Excuse the pun, fuck it. Sex is awesome, and during so, I’m very much partial to thinking my body is, too.

Also, somewhat random: missionary? I’ve always thought this covered anything where a considerable part of a lady’s back is on the bed/surface of choice, that it didn’t particularly matter what the legs were up to?

Thank you!

Yes! Missionary does technically cover all lady on back positions, but I wanted to make a clear distinction between the popular definition of missionary (legs open and down) and how it’s modified for fatness by bringing the legs up. Both positions are missionary, technically, though I’m sure there’s silly names for all the varieties of missionary.

I really appreciate not only what you’ve written in this article, but how you’ve written it.  Your language is so inclusive and frank. I really feel like I’m just learning, as a 31 year old, to love my body and I respond very well to being given permission to conduct myself they way I see others act.  This was a very helpful read.  Thanks!

Also, I concur re: your ass.

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