News Appetizers: Turn Around Bright Eyes

Welcome back, poodles, for another roundabout recap of all the news that proves that recreational drinking has its purpose and watching Spongebob Squarepants all throughout the election season is absolutely rational. Put on your big girl pants and slap on some face paint, ’cause we’re going to town!

This week’s news is sure to make even the most glittering and glamouring turn hastily sour, provoking Dorian Grey phantasms and Miss Havisham like dry heaves, turning life into lemons and lemons into garnishes for tiny cocktails! Join us in the parlor as we review the news we have so come to dread…


Friends! Lovers! Kissing cousins! Rejoice! Rick Santorum is no longer a viable candidate for running this country and having access to the big boom buttons! According the the NY Times Caucus blog, “Rick Santorum suspended his presidential campaign on Tuesday, bowing to the inevitability of Mitt Romney’s nomination,” releasing America from his fiery, Mouth of Sauron-type grasp of inanity and ridiculousness. The decision comes after the hospitalization of his youngest daughter battled pneumonia over the weekend, where apparently, the Grinch’s heart grew three times as large. While we hope that his daughter does indeed get well, we can’t say we are sorry to see you go Ricky boy. (NY Times Caucus)

19-year-old Jake England and 32-year-old Alvin Watts have confessed to being behind a shooting spree that that left three people dead in Tulsa, Oklahoma. “Both men are charged with three counts of first-degree murder, two counts of shooting with the intent to kill and one count of possession of a firearm in the commission of a felony” reported Al Jazeera, after it was released that the two men were targeting black citizens. Local authorities are described as hesitant to describe it as a racially motivated hate crime, even though the suspects are white and all five victims were African Americans, as well as England’s racist rants on his Facebook wall.  Post-racial. It just gets more ridiculous each time someone says it, doesn’t it? (Al Jazeera)

Conservatives are manipulating women of color to shame abuse survivors. From Akiba Solomon’s article: “Senate judiciary Republicans who voted no on reauthorizing the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) because it would extend a few more U-visas to abused immigrant women, cover people in same-sex relationships and enhance funding for community-based programs that directly address people of color.” Surprised? Not at this point in the game? Disgusted. Oh, you betcha. (Colorlines)

Activist and amazing woman Fakhra Younas has committed suicide at 33. Younas had become a poster child for woman who had been the victims of acid attacks after one decade ago, her ex-husband doused her face in acid, melting her mouth, nose and ears. “The death of Ms. Younas galvanized the Pakistani news media. In Parliament, lawmakers vowed to take action, while one political leader called for a criminal investigation into the case to be reopened. But legal experts were skeptical that would happen, because the man Ms. Younas long accused of the attack – her ex-husband, Bilal Khar – was acquitted at trial nine years ago.” (NY Times)

Apparently Anders Behring Breivik, the man who killed 77 people in a bomb-and-shooting massacre that made most of the world realize that white guys kinda do the terrorism thing too, has been found sane by a psychiatric evaluation. Um, yeah. I think that leaves everyone’s second favorite guess, which is he was a fundamental extremist who hated anything that wasn’t a walking sack of white peen. (The Huffington Post)

North Korea is telling everyone their rocket is ready to launch. This is either the worst sexual pun ever or Lil’ Kim is doing a good job filling in Big Kim’s shoes. (MSNBC)

So remember pups and puppettes, even in the worst, we have to find the light in everything. And if that doesn’t help, well then, just remember, Big Kim is always watching.

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