Ok, I know what you’re thinking, how the fuck can you possibly be happily married while thinking marriage is bullshit, right? Well that’s exactly why I’m writing this. To explain how I, a woman who’s married to the an incredible person and who I’d trade for nothing, thinking marriage is bullshit. Mine not excluded.
Please remember this is just my single, individual opinion and does not reflect upon any other married couples OR how i think people should feel. I believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and sometimes neither opinion is wrong. With that I bring you, what I came here for.
Well let me start out by saying this: I regret getting married. My husband is fully aware of this because we have extremely open communication and I have no fear or reservations about sharing exactly how I’m feeling – including something of this magnitude. My parents divorced, remarried, divorced again and are on their third marriages, with my mom being separated from her current husband and my father having a brief marriage that was annulled (so, sure, it technically doesn’t count – but come on, there’s a pattern here that I sure as hell never wanted to follow).
Then I met my eventually-would-be husband. Probably one the most amazing men on this earth, and anyone who knows him would vouch for that. I learned that he also never wanted to get married. His parents were married until his dad passed away suddenly; he was not from a divorced home, so our backgrounds were completely different, as were our experiences, yet we felt the same way. So from the very beginning of our relationship, we both were open about the fact that neither of us wanted to get married.
Well, along the way, something changed and we did it. We tied the knot, got hitched. We got married. Although, changing most of the traditional vows and removing as much religious tone as possible, we also made it gender neutral, taking out anything that read or implied “man and woman” to “two people.”
Marriage really seems to be rooted in religious beliefs, an institution envisioned as being under god, which makes it a sacred union or coming together. Did I really have to sign my name on a piece of paper that had to be processed through the government to have a union or come together with the person I loved? I finally realized that no, I didn’t.
The benefits of marriage have absolutely nothing to do with love. I’m sorry, but if it did there would be less divorce because one of the benefits of doing this whole marriage thing would be loving each other more, right? Well, that’s some flawed-ass logic if I’ve ever heard any. You can love someone for the rest of your life and never want to be with another person and not have to sign your name to a legally binding contract that not only makes it harder to leave, (though, if you’re going through with something like marriage, let’s hope you plan to work through all problems possible) but I also feel, brands you in ways. Some see marriage as a positive branding, while others see it as a negative branding, which is where this old woman comes in. Oh, and how could I forget: marriage also brings some materialistic benefits”¦
Benefits of being legally married (and I’m sure I’m forgetting some): health insurance if your partner has it, tax breaks, discounts with car insurance, and more. Nothing involving love in my opinion. I often think that this is a large motivation for some to get married these days, not love itself. I mean, really, I can’t rule out the possibility that those were motivators in the question of “what changed in not wanting to ever get married” and that just pisses me off, honestly.
I think to myself, “I have health insurance, got a larger tax refund, and have a discount on my car and renters insurance premium, not because I’m a good person or because I have been charitable, but because I decided to sign my name on a sheet of paper that allows me to check the ‘Married’ box instead of the ‘Single.'”
Those who have unfortunately not been given the right to marry often have to have their own union ceremonies. The tables should be turned. Everyone should be allowed to have the benefits that come with being legally married without having to sign his or her name on a sheet of paper, saying “I promise to love this person.”
Give me a break. Pieces of paper, a ring, a big ol’ expensive reception are all materialistic things that are supposed to “show love.” Show love through actions. And then those who do want to have a big wedding and ceremony and find it important to marry in a church or be surrounded by friends and family would have all the right in the world to do so.
Neither my husband nor I view marriage as some sacred thing. Shocker? It’s probably a shocker because we’ve been raised to view marriage as sanctified and a step in life that everyone should take to “grow up.” I do believe that some part of me got married because it felt like that was what we were “supposed” to do.
Well you know what? I absolutely am in love with my husband, but I fully regret having a wedding that left me feeling bitter for months and legally bound to another person. Yet, I don’t want a divorce, nor do I want to be separated from him, which is, I think, what most would expect when they read, “I regret getting married.” That speculation also causes speculation that our marriage is unhappy, and honestly – I don’t mean to sound nose-in-the-air or whatever – but we actually do have a very happy and healthy relationship because of our communication.
Marriage is for some, if that’s what they want, but I feel like marriage puts you in a box that changes your life in many ways. People will treat you differently, regardless of what they say. Often times, if you’re happily married, then some people believe that you can no longer understand “relationship problems,” and as a woman who’s married, I’ve noticed a big difference in how a majority of my male friends treat me. It has made me very disappointed, to be honest, especially because of the type of relationship my husband and I have.
Neither of us have trust issues; in fact he’s going to Chicago with a female friend from across the country for four days, and they are sharing a hotel room, which I suggested because why not split costs? But see, that’s me talking. A large majority of responses I get about him doing this are more on the negative side of confusion. I’ve been asked if I was worried that something might happen, or how I could possibly be okay with it, and I try my best to explain why I have absolutely no problem, but it always comes down to the other party mentioning cheating. I usually just end it there, because I know I’m in the minority, and say, “If you don’t have trust and communication, you have nothing.”
This is all my personal opinion and, though I hope I haven’t completely offended anyone close to me, I know that my husband is not offended, and he’s the most important person to me regarding this subject.