Imaginary Conversations with Idiots: Live Music Edition

On Monday night, I went to a live gig. The support band was great – and the band I went to see was fantastic. But when I wasn’t singing along to the bangin’ tunes, this is what I really wanted to come out of my mouth”¦

  • Great, a tall guy. Love tall guys. Especially when you stand in front of me. Being 5’4″ gives me X-ray vision, haha. No really, the back of your shirt is fascinatingIt’ll cover the bruises my elbow is making in your ribs really well.
  • Oh hey girl, you want to call your boyfriend so he can hear the song? That’s really sweet. I’m sure he can hear everything through the tiny speakers on your phone. I don’t mind at all that it’s blocking my view of the hot drummer.
Starkly-lit photo of a bass guitarist singing
Your photos will totally look as good as this one. Yeah. (licensed under Creative Commons Attribution License from
  • Oh no, my mistake, you just want to take pictures to show your friends afterwards, or maybe just yourself, ‘cos you have the memory of the proverbial goldfish? Great. I bet those new Instagram filters will make your dark, blurry pictures look really atmospheric.
  • But you anticipated the crappy phone camera problem and brought a DSLR? Clever! Yet you’re 50 feet back from the stage and you’re using the flash… you must really want 200 pictures of the backs of other people’s heads.
  • Still photos are for losers. You’re just holding your phone riiiight at my eyeline, recording video, and you’ll post it on Facebook later for your friends to watch! Fabulous. With all the moving around you’re doing I’m sure it’ll be totally watchable and not at all nausea-inducing.


If you’re looking for the author, you’ll find her at her next local meeting of Misanthropes Anonymous, saving up for a private box and a device to instantly disable all mobile phones at the next gig she goes to. In her spare time she makes signs saying “Put your $&%ing phone down” and “Get off my lawn.”

9 replies on “Imaginary Conversations with Idiots: Live Music Edition”

Reminds me of when I went to see Minus the Bear last November. People were moshing, trying to crowd-surf (one guy got dropped on the floor) , and acting like jerks most of the night. If I didn’t love MTB as much as I do, I would have left. One couple in front of me did end up leaving because they were getting pushed and shoved so much. Thankfully, my friend and I were in the front so we could see the band pretty well.

Oh good, I’m not the only one having grumpy cynical thoughts about people. :-p What a relief.

Pictures at performances… yeah, I’ll never get that.  My dad however did leave me a voice mail once when he was at a Paul McCartney concert.  I could hear ‘Hey Jude’ clear as a bell and it was awesome.

The last big show I was at, I was having a not so imaginary conversation with the guy in front of me about how three women putting their hands on his back is not an invitation to slam backwards into them. It is a warning that one of the women is holding a beer and that none of them want to wear it because of your crazy “dancing.” And now we all are. Fuck you mister. I hope you enjoyed me tripping you as you ran for the bathroom to vomit up the excessive alcohol you consumed. I suspect you were too drunk to notice.

Yeaaaaaaah. Or my inner monologue from the show I was at Friday night: “Really? You just thought it was OK to walk past me and stand right between me and the performers I was watching? Who does that? You’re six inches taller than me for fuck’s sake.”

As a Tall, I try to be really aware of where I am at shows and movies and stuff. On the flip side, though, I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve shown up way early and staked out a prime spot only to have someone far shorter sneak in two minutes to showtime settle in behind me and huff and passive-aggressively mutter about the nerve I have to exist in their general area, and, even worse, ask me to move so they can see better. No. I was here first.

As an Averagely Short person, I do sometimes fantasise about going to a gig where the crowd is arranged by height, like a school photo… and then I realise that that would be stupid, and I would be alone at the front because almost all my friends are taller than me.

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