On Monday night, I went to a live gig. The support band was great – and the band I went to see was fantastic. But when I wasn’t singing along to the bangin’ tunes, this is what I really wanted to come out of my mouth”¦
- Great, a tall guy. Love tall guys. Especially when you stand in front of me. Being 5’4″ gives me X-ray vision, haha. No really, the back of your shirt is fascinating. It’ll cover the bruises my elbow is making in your ribs really well.
- Oh hey girl, you want to call your boyfriend so he can hear the song? That’s really sweet. I’m sure he can hear everything through the tiny speakers on your phone. I don’t mind at all that it’s blocking my view of the hot drummer.
- Oh no, my mistake, you just want to take pictures to show your friends afterwards, or maybe just yourself, ‘cos you have the memory of the proverbial goldfish? Great. I bet those new Instagram filters will make your dark, blurry pictures look really atmospheric.
- But you anticipated the crappy phone camera problem and brought a DSLR? Clever! Yet you’re 50 feet back from the stage and you’re using the flash… you must really want 200 pictures of the backs of other people’s heads.
- Still photos are for losers. You’re just holding your phone riiiight at my eyeline, recording video, and you’ll post it on Facebook later for your friends to watch! Fabulous. With all the moving around you’re doing I’m sure it’ll be totally watchable and not at all nausea-inducing.
If you’re looking for the author, you’ll find her at her next local meeting of Misanthropes Anonymous, saving up for a private box and a device to instantly disable all mobile phones at the next gig she goes to. In her spare time she makes signs saying “Put your $&%ing phone down” and “Get off my lawn.”