At 16, we can drive. At 18, we can vote. At 21, we can drink. And then there is life after all of that. So, when do we become adults? Here’s a ladyguide to determine if you are a motherfucking adult with a capital A.*
Achievement: Driving
Congratulations! You are 16. You can drive. But you probably can’t afford a car. And you’re still in school. Of course, back in the day, 16 made you perfectly capable of doing adult things, like marrying and raising the kiddos. But today, we know that 16 year-olds still have teenage brain and do really, really stupid things.
Achievement: Going to College and Living with Other People Your Age in a Dorm
You still get your food from a cafeteria and don’t have to clean your own toilet. On the upside, you are learning to hold your alcohol and maybe losing your virginity. You’ve taken one step to being an adult!
Achievement: You Can Buy Booze On Your Own
Woo! Your driver’s license is no longer vertical. This is an exciting event that quickly peters out because you got drunk just as often when you were 20 as when you were 21.
Achievement: Your First Real Job
Oh my god. You have your own paycheck! But maybe you’re still living with your parents because jobs these days pay squat. You may feel like you’ve taken one step back, but you’re being responsible and getting a job and living within your means. That’s a really adult decision! Good job!
Achievement: Really Bad Breakup
At some point after you graduate from college and start your first job, many people go through a really awful breakup (a lucky few are like Marshall and Lilly on HIMYM). It might not be full of drama, but it’s usually the one that’s with someone you really cared about. You probably loved them and wanted to marry them or some such thing. And your heart is broken. Like, broken to the point that you want to pull an Eat, Pray, Love and travel around the world broken. This is an important event on the path to adulthood because you learn that people are assholes (including you) and you start to get a little more cautious with your heart. This is a pretty damn important milestone and you know, major growth and all that jazz. Very adult.
Achievement: The Next Job After Your First Job
You probably started your first job somewhere around 25K, maybe more if you chose a really useful degree like engineering. But you’ve finally hit that golden 5-years experience and someone is offering you money enough so that paying off your student loans isn’t eating into your food budget. You’ve just made the first step to adulting where you have money to spend on fancy things, like that Estee Lauder eye creme you’re going to be so happy you bought when you turn 40.
Achievement: You Decide Where you Want to Be
At some point on the way to adulthood, you start to wonder if the path you are on is the path or if you should pursue another one. Maybe you go back to school for a nursing degree or decide to quit it all and run a surf shop in Cost Rica. Suffice to say that at some point, what you wanted to be when you grew up and what you are actually doing coupled with your new goals will cause some serious evaluation and you’ll decide to stay where you are or move on. This can be very trying.
Achievement: Something Bad Happens and You Shrug
See, at this point, you’ve had some shit happen. Maybe you got laid off. Maybe you got fired. Maybe you got in a bad wreck. Maybe your basement has flooded. There comes a point on the way to adulting when bad shit happens and it ain’t no thing. You’ve learned to take a breath, deal, and move on.
Am I an Adult?
Yes? No? Maybe? At some point between 18 and 30 you start to just be able to deal with life. You become more sure of yourself (though not without doubt). It’s not about getting married or owning a house or having a kid. It’s about having enough experience that you realize that life is just life. And at 40 you’ll be even more adult. And even more so at 50. But there is a magical year, that year when childhood feels the past and you, yourself as an adult, become who you are now and who you’re probably going to be for the next 5-10 years.
*Life states are entirely personal. One person’s adulthood is another person’s adolescence. Please approach milestones of adulthood with caution and always assume you know less than you think at any given stage. As the Car Talk guys say: wisdom comes with experience. Unfortunately, you have to have the experience to gain that wisdom.
42 replies on “Ladyguide: How to Know When You Are a Grownup”
As someone who (at least in terms of a age and the status of my mortgage and career) has been an adult for a while, I can confirm that you will forever be glad of buying the fancy Estee Lauder stuff when you do turn 40.
This is a much better list than the HuffPo ” things women should be doing by the time they are 30″ or “things that make you an adult” type of gar-bage lists that make no sense and rely on super narrow guidelines ( buy a fancy couch! have a 401K! date a man with class!) . I hate these lists because they completely miss the fact that the world is very different now for people – a college degree doesn’t guarantee anything, student loan debt in the triple digits is a thing, the job market sucks, and people are 1. not always heterosexual (egads!!) Â 2. that marriage / children are being put off longer and maybe for good reason 3. that different generations have very different goals.
Also, how does buying a quality mascara prove that I’m an adult?
Yes, very seconded! This is absolutely what I loved about this article: no stupid bullshit!
LOVE THIS.
I think I have really come into my own in the last few years. I’m only 25, but the difference between me at 18 or 21 and now is vast. I’ve felt less challenged or shaken by tragedies and failures, and more sure of my own abilities and strengths.
Not that I don’t still have good cries under the covers every now and again…
According to the listed achievements, I’m totally an adult now! WOW! :D And I’m still three and a half years shy of 30. ;)
Woo-hoo! Go buy yourself something fancy!
For me, it was when I had health insurance, in my own name, from my own job. Of course, I don’t have it any more… does that mean that I automatically revert to being a child?
Definitely not! Setbacks do not reduce your adulthood achievements. Indeed, setbacks and the ability to overcome them are definite signs of adulthood.
People get jobs that pay 25K? This is a Thing? I’m amazed.
ETA: I’m saying this as someone who JUST got a job that pays about 18-20K, so anything higher than that is of a mythical status to me.
Amazed because that’s a low number or a high number?
High number, I’m still at around 20K at a generous estimate.
Yeah, I assumed people would make less or more, depending. My salaried job out of college was about that much, but I know people who made less (and much more. F’ing engineers, with their useful degrees and high salaries).
I also forget that standard of living can be different, depending on location. And so salary also varies. But yeah, I’m making what I’m sure is typical English Major Salary, which is far below 25K.
Yeah English Major Salary! My first job out of college was part time (all I could find in 2008), at about $11/hr. By the grace of God and random housesitting gigs, I managed to just scrape by. I’m still making under 25k a year, but it’s liveable!
I’m one of those engineers, and reading this article & comments has made me realize what giant privilege-blinders I’ve been wearing.
Here’s one: Getting fired!
Hey, I just got that level! Achievement!
High five, Birdy. Come sit with me and the rest of the unemployed cool kids and have a beer.
Good job! That’s a great one! It’s happened to me, too.
For me, I really felt like a grown up when I could eat food in my bedroom and not worry about anyone telling me off. Breakfast in bed for me!
/YMMV
And no one can tell you that you can’t have ice cream for dinner!
Or breakfast!
Saying that, I did give Mr. Cesy a fair bit of side eye for eating a cheese sandwich in bed at 10pm. But I don’t get late night snacking so that was more it than eating in bed. It was just so weird, I was about to nod off, here he is eating a cheese sandwich.
When I was a kid, I had to eat a salad with every meal. And then at some point I realized that I didn’t have to eat salad. And it was a revelation. I could have asparagus! Or fruit! Or no fruits or vegetables at all! I got some definite adult vibes that day.
In my country, it’s: at 16, you can marry with parental consent. At 17, you can get a full driving licence and legally have sex. At 18, you can legally drink, vote, join the army, and have all adult rights and responsibilities.
I do roll my eyes at every article I see about ‘the teenage brain’. Those studies are so culturally constrained, and our brains are so flexible… bah. Bad science alert.
Pfft. We can get married at 16 without parental consent, here. Heck, we’re adults at 16. And nice point about the ‘teenage brain’.
I really do think that teenagers act more like children, mostly, because we treat them more like children than adults!
Yes, that’s true too. It’s just that the common media narrative I’ve seen is: “MRI shows teenage brains are ‘different’; that means they can’t help how they behave!” which is such terrible bullshit.
Every now and then I’ll have this sudden realization that I’m an adult. It might be just after I’ve paid my bills, or cooked a balanced meal, or booked a vacation complete with hotel and rental car. The most recent time this happened was shortly after I got my dog. I’d drunk quite a bit one Saturday night and woke up with an awful hangover. But instead of going back to bed or crawling to the couch, I made myself a thermos of tea and walked the dog. The realization that I could actually be depended on to take care of another living being was a really big one for me.
This right here. Â Someone help me if I ever have a kid, but just owning a dog makes me feel more like an adult for this very reason.
I totally know the feeling. Responsibility champions FTW!
I went to college while living at home with my parents, because on campus housing was more expensive than gas to drive 50 miles a day getting to and from school. I still live with my parents because I don’t quite make enough money not to yet. Â So I am, uh, *mumble*25 years old*mumble* and have never lived on my own. I know full well that this is actually the smart thing to do, and that waiting until I have a good chunk of savings set aside to move out will keep me from having to move right back in with my parents at the first sign of trouble, but it still stings a little to have to own to it. But I bought a new car (need it for my job), I have a retirement plan, and I have a life insurance policy. They make me feel a bit more grown up and responsible. Also, I have lent my parents money (of a sizable sum) for an unexpected expense. That was a massive feel like a grown up moment.
If I knew then what I know now… Staying home while going to school is smarter and don’t let anyone make you feel bad for it. I should have done that, among so many other things I should have done differently.
There are times when I look back and wonder, just because I would have been nice in a personal exploration context, and also a constant access to lab equipment context. But then I look at my student loans, and remember that I didn’t want to borrow the money to live somewhere when I already had a place to live.
My first real grown up moment was getting the flu and not having anyone to take care of me. Granted, I called my mom four times a day, but I had to manage on my own. It was one of the more unpleasant experiences of my life, but it prepared me for other things in life. That said, when I get sick, I do still call my mom in tears. I don’t do sick very well.
Oh man, I got some super flu this winter and I was so glad to have someone to drive my sorry butt to the doctor, because I would have never made it there on my own.
Planning well and doing unpleasant things for their future benefits are the most grown-up things you can possibly do. Don’t worry about moving out. But keep planning the party for when you do. :)
Oh man. The Opifex Doesn’t Live with her Parents Anymore party is going to be one for the ages.
Props for the Costa Rica name drop! You have no idea how right you are.
According to this list, I may never be a real adult, though I am pretty good at letting shit roll off my shoulders.
Same here, stumbling at the very first item already. I’ve yet to even attempt driving, seems silly to spend money on driving classes when affording an actual car is a pipe dream…
I’m fully assuming to feel like I failed at adulthood when I eventually retire.
IMHO shrugging when shit happens is one of the more important achievements on that list, so I think you’re good to go. :)
Agreed. I think the main signal of being an adult of just being like, “Shit happens, oh well,” and moving on.