Lunchtime Poll: May Jokes

We’ve made it to the middle of May, Persephoneers, and that calls for a fun LTP.  Plus, it’s the middle of the week, and that’s worth celebrating, too. Join me behind the curtain for a good time. 

I’m not sure if I’ve done this LTP before (I know I asked this when we were doing “7 Questions” each week) but even if I have, it’s worth doing again.

What’s your favorite joke? If you can’t think of a joke, share your favorite funny picture. Let’s all ring in Wednesday with some belly laughs, shall we?

By [E] Selena MacIntosh*

Selena MacIntosh is the owner and editor of Persephone Magazine. She also fixes it when it breaks. She is fueled by Diet Coke, coffee with a lot of cream in it, and cat hair.

40 replies on “Lunchtime Poll: May Jokes”

So there is this joke that a friend tried to tell us in college but all he could remember was the punch line.  And that Your honor is how I ended up in bed with your 15 year old daughter.  Never did learn the joke.  Another running one, is It would have all gone differently if we had gotten the disco ball.

What do you call a man with a plank on his head? Edward.

What do you call a man with three planks on his head? Edward Woodward.

What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug.

What do you call a man with no spade on his head? Douglas.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool? Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a forest? Russell.

 

Here are my favourite jokes:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, and chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

And the other one:

A traffic cop stops a passing car and asks “Do you know how fast you are going?”

“No”, says the driver, “but I know where I am.”

I’ve turned into a stereotypical teller of physics jokes, have I not?

 

I have more. So many more. I am doing grad school in QM, and quantum mech jokes are my forte.:

Here’s an oldie:

An hydrogen atom calls the police to say “Somebody just robbed my electron”, the policeman replied “Are you sure?” to which the hydrogen atom replied “Of course I’m sure,in fact, I’m positive!”

This one my lab-mate greeted me with this morning:

Q:Where was Heisenberg born?

A:Oh, that’s very uncertain.

Oh, and another one I remembered:

Q:What do you get when you cross a mountaineer with a mosquito?

A: Nothing, of course. You can’t cross a scaler with a vector.

And here’s a limerick to end it before my jokes get out of control here:

A rocket explorer named Wright
Once travelled much faster than light.
He set off one day
In a Relative way
And returned on the previous night!

Bahahaha, that was amazing.

Here’s another one:

A statistician and a physicist compete to predict the winning horse in a race. Both part ways to their labs to work on their predictions.

As you’d expect, the statistician performs numerous analyses, runs numbers and equations through a super computer, and eventually comes up with a prediction for the winning horse. When he meets up with the physicist again, he displays a graph of the probabilities for each horse to win and says, “this horse will most likely win.”

When it is his turn, the physicist holds out his hands and says, “well, I couldn’t quite predict a winning horse. But I was able to construct a model of a perfectly spherical horse in a vacuum.”

Why did the elephant paint it’s toenails red? To hide in a cherry tree.

Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? It works, doesn’t it? A hahahahaha

But my very favorite, and I am snorting right now as I write this because it cracks me up in the most obnoxiously irrational way –

Ask me if I’m a truck.

Are you a truck?

No, idiot.

and then you laugh and laugh and laugh. I don’t know why that was and remains so funny to me, as it isn’t really a joke at all, but there you have it. Yes, I am aware I am a weirdo.

DUDE – that was my best buddy’s favorite joke when we were in college! When i saw this LTP, I had to message her right away to ask me if I was a truck.  we internet-laughed for a good five minutes!  So glad there’s another member of the ask me if i’m a truck club!

So this isn’t so much a joke as a family tale passed through the generations, but it is reasonably funny.

My grandparents had just moved into the house they were building in east Jesus, northern Michigan. Grandmother wanted to pave the driveway in largeish gravel. She had had it delivered in one big pile that was going to be distributed about the drive later. The chilluns of the family had decided to play kitchen in the rocks and had leveled out a table. It was springtime. My grandfather’s goats had just had their kids.

Enter the Jehovah’s Witnesses. Grandmother answers the door, accompanied by my mother as a teenager and the dog, Clyde, who was half German shepherd, half coyote, and all convinced that the Jehovah’s Witnesses needed to leave. Mom held his collar as he glowered at the door to door religious salesmen, and my grandmother very patiently listened to the whole spiel. After a time they came to the end and asked my grandmother if she would like to come worship with them. At which point my grandmother turned on her 100 watt smile.

“We would love to come worship with you, if you will come worship with us!” She pointed at the rock pile compete with mini table. “We’re sacrificing goats to the moon goddess at the equinox! Won’t you join us?”

As my mother puts it, “Never saw to people sprint down that driveway faster.”

So many of my jokes involve rude gestures, it’s difficult to pick one, but here’s one that’s a doozy:

Once upon a time an intern was working at an aquarium. He gets called into his boss’ office, who says, “As you know, we’re having an elementary class come in to view the porposes today, and as you know they are, well, a little into each other today and we don’t want to have the kids watch our dolphins getting it on. The only thing that can calm then down is a pair of young gulls, so you need to go to the beach to collect them. Watch out, though, a lion escaped from the zoo yesterday. He was heavily sedated, but be on the lookout!”

So our intrepid intern sets out and carefully gathers two young seagulls in a sack and heads back to the aquarium. In the middle of the path is the lion, sleeping.

The intern sighs and very carefully steps over the lion, who doesn’t awake. Feeling home free, the intern skips down the path when out from behind a bush steps a constable who announces, “You, sir, are under arrest!”

“For what?” asks the shocked intern.

“For crossing a stayed lion with young gulls for immoral porposes.” (say it out loud…)

Badum-cha!

 Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was dead!  Monkeys would not normally fall out of trees so there has to be a logical explanation.

I am pretty sure I made this joke up, but, would love to know if, independently, someone else has been telling this joke.

One of my friends had a whole extended version of this joke when we were younger

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

A: He was dead

Q: Why did the other monkey fall out of the tree?

A: He was stapled to the dead monkey

Q: Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

A: Peer pressure.

We were hilarious.

My friends and I had a similar version:

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: It was dead.

Q: Why did the chicken fall out of the tree?
A: It was stapled to the monkey.

No idea where it came from, but it was like a secret handshake for our group. We’d laugh and laugh as everyone else looked at us like we had lost our minds.

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