Squirt Is The Word

Q. HOW DO I STOP THE SQUIRTING? OK, I’m not embarrassed because my beau loves it. I just don’t appreciate when I’m trying to masturbate and suddenly Niagara Falls is like OH HAY GURL IMMA BE UP IN YO SHEETS KAY? I didn’t even know this was a real thing. One day my G-spot was found and that was it. Gah.

A. I think I may speak for a few of us, but that is a good problem. Testify. But let’s be honest – squirting is a high contact sport. There’s a lot involved. It’s like musical theater, espionage, and Sea World all tied into one party, leaving those involved perchance moister than when they first arrived. However, being that this is the sex, we have to come into this knowing that sex that is usually good is usually messy, even horrid looking. There is a reason they call it the beast with two backs (or with two cunts, or with raised wands. Whatever). So let’s reverse this water show and see if we can’t get things a little bit drier in between the sheets.

Why yes she does.

Now, female ejaculation, for those who are just joining us on the magical journey that is the vagina, is “the expulsion of noticeable amounts of clear fluid by human females from the paraurethral ducts through and around the urethra during or before an orgasm.” The exact source and nature of the fluid continues to be a topic of debate among medical professionals, (don’t get us started on the doubts over the existence of the G-spot), but is most likely caused by the Skenes Gland, a pretty little hole located on the upper wall of the vagina, a touch near the lower end of the urethra. This little (and we mean little) sweet spot is surrounded by tissue (mostly clitoral) and swells with blood during sexual arousal, leading to that potential “full vagina” feeling. Like a bottle of soda that has been shaken, shaken, shaken, once you hit the point of no return, thats when the water slide comes on.

Female ejaculation is certainly not a new phenomenon, though I would say it’s getting the attention it certainly has deserved. Back in the hoppin’ 16th century, Dutch physician Laevinius Lemnius referred to women “drawing forth the man’s seed and casts her own with it,” and about a hundred years later, François Mauriceau spoke of glands at the urethral meatus that “pour out great quantities of saline liquor during coition, which increases the heat and enjoyment of women.” De Graaf referred to a woman’s “saltiness” and Krafft-Ebing recorded it in the famous Psychopathia Sexualis study as a congenital sexual Inversion, most likely “a perversion related to neurasthenia and homosexuality.”  Meh, more fun that way. I prefer my literature to be a bit more sex-friendly.

BUT! We are here to talk about getting you back to drier land, so let’s look at the main tips given to get oneself to ejaculating and see if we can’t reverse the motion of your ocean a bit. I’m taking these handy tips from  Ann Whidden over at Babeland in her piece, “G-Spot Orgasm Technique Tips Tricks.”

1. Aim high:  Whidden suggests “a sharp angle for proper stimulation” of your G-spot to maximize ejaculatory potential. Think about the positions you are in when you ejaculate – get to know your patterns. Do you find yourself flooding them sheets when you are getting maximum stimulation of your G-spot area or is it all the time? Find a position that can offer clitoral stimulation, but without putting so much pressure on the G-spot area – doggy style might be good in this respect (add a finger vibe to that position and bob is your fucking uncle). Find positions that work to stimulate you in ways that are still hot and pleasurable, but not putting pressure on your G-spot.

2. Keep it short:  “The female G-spot is usually just a few inches on the inside top wall of the vagina (pretend you’re aiming up towards the belly button), so an extra-long–or even regular sized–toy might bypass it completely.” Bam – here we go. Longer toys, longer weenies, longer whatever you are in the mood to put up your kitty hole. Short and curvy are sexy and definitely going to be hitting the go button, but if you want something that may minimize squirtage, go for a longer toy or even try positions where whatever is up your stuff is really up in there, rather than resting at the base of your vaginal canal.

3. Think hard: ” Most female G-spots need firm, strong pressure to build to orgasm. Your own fingers might not be strong enough–or angled correctly–to reach.”. Ugh, this sounds like too good of a bit of advice to pass up, but it could help – try bringing yourself to a slower orgasm by way of fingers or even a low set vibe.

4. Assume the position: “Because the G-spot responds so well to firm pressure,” Whidden says, “you really want to be able to push right up against it.” OK, sounds tasty, but find a position that isn’t putting all that pressure on that one spot – concentrate on the clitoral, or even on other parts of your vag that feel good. If you like anal play, give the tush a little lovin’ and the pressure you may normally give the G-spot can be concentrated on your bum. The world is your oyster!

5. Come here: Pressure, pressure, pressure – never has it sounded so glorious. In your case, transfer the pressure or instead of moving “harder,” move faster or slower. Change up the stimulation applied. If you feel that wave coming on, work another part a bit more. Prepare for takeoff.

6. Discuss: Now here is where we get real.

Get It Girl

So while these steps may help you control your ejaculatory fluid a bit more, what are the other alternatives we are looking at here? Remember, it’s about what makes you feel good and if loosing your goose and letting the fluid flow feels best, do it. Waterproof vibes are god-sent items of magic and witchcraft and towels have been providing a great landing pad for sexual fluids since ever. Remember, squirting is part of the package deal, but it’s something that even the big pros have felt annoyance, even embarrassment, over. Famed adult film star Angela Stone, who is famously known for her ejaculatory prowess, stated in an interview that, “I really didn’t know I could squirt until I got into porn… I was doing this scene and then when I was cumming and I could feel I was squirting everywhere… I was embarrassed.” So don’t throw out the baby with the bath water just yet; you have a genuine talent, like singing or dancing, which some folks take years to master – and it’s a damn fine talent, one mum and dad would be proud of. Plus, it may even serve a higher purpose: David J. Ley, Ph.D. writes in his piece, “Women Who Stray,” that “when female ejaculation occurs (and it seems to be possible in around 40% of women), it often occurs slightly before the female orgasm. The fluids that gush during this event momentarily change the pH balance of the vagina. What happens then? Any sperm already present (say, from a husband) in the vagina are weakened or killed. Then, the woman orgasms, clearing her cervical channels, and her vagina’s pH balance returns to normal. The field is laid, such that the next sperm to enter the woman’s vagina stands the greatest chance for fertilization. And, women are more orgasmic, more likely to be sexually unfaithful, and more likely to be attracted to these genetically high value males, when they are ovulating and are fertile.” Quite a biological advantage, no?

But until then, try some new moves, seek out some further pastures, and don’t let the pressure get to you. Hopefully with a  few tricks of the trade, you can find your masturbation sessions a bit less wet and way more orgasmic. Let us know how it works out, and of course,  enjoy the ride!

Got a ques­tion to ask, sub­ject you’d like us to dis­cuss, or myth you’d like us to bust? Keep em com­ing! (Lord.Have.And.Mercy.) You can e-mail us at or send us an anony­mous mes­sage via the spiffy new Ask Us! fea­ture here. We promise we don’t bite (unless you’re into that type of thing…)

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