We try it!

We Try It!: Pickup Lines

I’m fascinated by a good line, and even more fascinated by a bad one. How are they crafted? Are they off-the-cuff musings? Do they evolve from riffing on actual, once-had conversations? Would a, could a prospective paramour really be enticed by a punchy one-liner from a stranger? These and other questions of the ages,will probably never be answered.


But, in homage to pickup lines everywhere, I set out to create the best worst lines possible. Getting deep into character (I went so far as to put on a super deep-V tee, waxy hair product, and a matching neck and wallet chain), I attempted to enter the mind of the aspiring pickup artist.

What I came up with was, in no particular order, the 16 most confusing pickup lines of all time, or (to paraphrase Lena Dunham), of a time.

For your reluctant consumption”¦

  1. Nice cans. Do you recycle?
  2. Gurrl, your eyes are like two organs that convert light into electro-chemical impulses in neurons.
  3. You’re so pretty I just farted a little bit, from nerves.
  4. Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are? Do you feel deserving of this type of praise? Would you say your self-worth comes from external validation? Let’s discuss these self-esteem issues further. I have a Tuesday afternoon appointment available. Here’s my card; my assistant can set it up.
  5. Do you come here often? Because I’m trying to get regular patrons to “like” my review on Yelp.
  6. Check out those sweater puppies! I love when people dress their pets. It’s so cute.
  7. You remind me of a young Victoria Principal, star of The Abduction. I’m really into made-for-TV movies about kidnappings.
  8. Your mother must have been an angel, because you’re really loud, like Gabriel’s trumpet. Seriously, shoosh, you jackal. You’re busting my friggin’ eardrums over here!
  9. I bet your legs go allll the way up”¦to the acetabulofemoral joints that connect your femurs to your hip bones.
  10. I love that sparkle in your eye. It makes me feel like this acid is finally kicking in.
  11. You should be a model. I’d feel way less weird about the fact that I have herpes if I saw someone like you in a Valtrex commercial.
  12. I’d love to take you home to meet my mother; I think you two would really hit it off. Do you want her number? She’s also on gchat.
  13. Your place or mine? Mine has a very handsomely framed van Gogh poster, but yours probably has indoor plumbing. Your call.
  14. Your place or mine? Mine has a nice futon, but yours probably doesn’t have a possum infestation. Toss-up.
  15. Your place or mine? I don’t have any roommates, but I also don’t have any toilet paper.
  16. On a British Parliamentary cosplay scale of 1 to 10 (the median – 5 – being you own your own Maggie Thatcher mask, wig, and low-heeled pumps), I’m looking for at least an 8.
Sweater Puppies (Photo Courtesy of Teddy n TJ Rule the World via Flickr)


Feel free to add your own actually witnessed or these-words-have-probably-never-been-nor-should-they-ever-be-uttered pickup lines in the comments.

22 replies on “We Try It!: Pickup Lines”

My passion for you is like Hannibal of the Carthaginians; one-eyed, megalomaniacal, and determined to ravage your outer reaches and later your key allies.

They call me King Narmer, ’cause I unify fertile upper and lower regions.

I’d like to clear your Highlands.



I got this on a Valentine’s Day gag card: “You’ve stolen my heart. Luckily, I have another one in the freezer.”

And a friend of mine got this one at a college party once. Drunkenness + cancer scars = hilarity!
Other woman: “Is that a hickey on your chest?!”
Friend: “No, it’s a porta-cath scar.”
Other woman: “Whatever it is, it’s turning me on.”


Number 9 would work on me. Hands down.

ETA: This isn’t a pick up line, but this happened to me about 6 months ago.  Band stops playing, my friends and I stop dancing, the lights come on, a guy at least 8 inches shorter comes up to me and says, “Hey, I was wondering if we could talk for a little bit because you seem nice and approachable and nerdy.”

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