Fuck You? No, Fuck Me

Q. This one seemed to be on quite a few minds so here goes. How does someone who is accomplished at giving themselves orgasms, do it with a partner? Like not let their mind wander off and think of all the ways that they can do a better job of giving the orgasm, instead of focusing on what is happening at the moment? How can one enjoy someone else’s technique I guess?

A. Great question kittens! Last time we talked, we discussed the ways we could overcome the nerves that come along with a first round in the sack with a new partner. This week,we are going to work on some ways to finesse the process.

First off, I don’t know if you all are like me, but I love to masturbate. It’s the official “me” time, in which I don’t have to think about anyone but, well, me. Now, let’s reflect back on that sentence. Me. I. Moi. Masturbation is fun because it centers on you. Your needs come (heh) first, your pleasure is primary, and it really is all about you. You can take all the time in the world or pop out five to six in the span of 10 minutes before work. You set the pace, the schedule, and the whole she-bang.

Now, with two people this is harder because masturbation becomes sex (not always, but most of the time). Sex, being post solo show, becomes a grab bag of different needs, different communication, and different pasts. We all come (heh) into sex with differences, leading to what sometimes ranges from the hilarious to the frustrating. Of course, there are techniques of the physical trade we can discuss, but I can’t help thinking that this problem is best solved by Eckhart Tolle. Eckhart Tolle? Who that? That, my friends, is the author of the Power of Now. Wait, now before you go off running and screaming, I’m not here to lead you upon the path of spiritual enlightenment. Oh no, momma has much more interesting things to be doing and certainly peddling new age enlightenment isn’t on that list. But the book has a lot of great points, and I bring it up mainly because it talks about being mindful of the present. When we are mindful of the present, we can let go of the “what if” or the “what’s to come.”

“To be identified with your mind is to be trapped in time,” says Tolle. “The compulsion to live almost exclusively through memory and anticipation”: yes, my friends, that is what we call dropping a truth bomb. As humans, an occupation which has proven quite difficult, it can be hard to let go of the shit that swirls around in our heads, muddling what are usually good, sexy times.

Now, I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t hard. I can’t tell you how many times I have been in full force regalia, so very close the the golden throne when all the sudden, I can only think about that ridiculous thing I said that one time or when I have to pay my bills or ew, what is that smell. However, this is a step up from the other thoughts we can have that are usually more negative – the “oh god, am I doing this right,” ” do I look okay,” ” I didn’t know that body part made that noise, I wonder if they heard it.” The layers of distraction and thinking are a constant cycle, spinning on everything from whether or not you need to turn off the oven or the fear you might have a flashback to a sexual assault. Again, we all come from different places. We all have different wants and needs. Part of the difficulty and the brilliance of sex is working with someone else to get to a place of pleasure, howsoever you define that. But at some point, we have to let go.

We can look at is two splits of a whole: the mental and the physical. The physical is doing what we know works for us. Got a position that you know is going to stimulate you directly in the way that will send you to the heavens? Go there. You have made yourself cum, you are a pro at it. But if you aren’t mentally there, this is all balderdash. So,we have to let go. Now, I realize not everyone can always let go, and that’s okay. Advice is freely given, but it does not have to be freely taken. But to let go is, for a moment, to imagine what it would be like to consider what feels good for you without feeling judged or anxious. So for a hot second, imagine what makes you feel apart from the world – not apart from feeling, but apart from the bullshit. What makes you turned on or gets you going? Hold on to that. Let go of bills. Let go of sweat. Let go of bullshit. Hold on to what makes you want to fuck and hold on to that motherfucker until you cum.

Damn.

But even with all this, all this concentration on the mindful, at the end of the day, some techniques just plain fucking suck. How you want to deal with that is another matter. If it’s someone you want to keep seeing, then some good, old-fashioned, honest-and-open communication about what you need is in the cards. If not, then hey, plenty of fish in the sea. But, if you want to do all of us a favor, lest we run into this person of meh technique, take one for the team and maybe let them know that they could work on it a little bit. You’ll be doing most of us a favor if you break it down for a motherfucker that sometimes what they think is driving us wild is really driving us away.

But until then, enjoy the present. Let go. And above all, get some genitalia purring, whatever yours may be.

Got a ques­tion to ask, sub­ject you’d like us to dis­cuss, or myth you’d like us to bust? Keep “˜em com­ing! (Lord.Have.And.Mercy.) You can send us an anony­mous mes­sage via the Ask Us! fea­ture here. We promise we don’t bite (unless you’re into that type of thing”¦)