Back in the mid 2000s, I went on my last diet ever and lost a bunch of weight. I was still plus-sized, but because weight loss wins you lots of points in our f-ed up society, the weight loss did give me a temporary confidence boost. And so I thought that it would also lead to more dudes clamoring to date me.
As you might imagine, there was no clamor, at least not immediately.
But because of this confidence and a new approach to dating (which I’ll tell you about one of these days), I eventually starting dating a lot. I literally had weeks where I went out with 3 or 4 guys. After a mere 6 months of this dating whirlwind, I met my boyfriend, who I’m still with.
So my boyfriend has been with me at my thinnest weight and my heaviest weight and he still thinks I’m the awesomest woman in the world. Back in the day, when I was a self-hating fatty, I would have thought the key was that he met me when I was thinner, and I somehow beguiled him to such an extent that he’s with me now. But I know now that that’s not true at all (because it doesn’t make any sense). And if you think about it, getting thin in order to date more and maybe get into a serious relationship is actually a terrifying prospect. If the person you’re with truly is not attracted to bigger women, you’ll likely stay even more focused on maintaining your weight loss, which is essentially impossible to do.
I’ve also had experiences in which I knew a guy when I weighed more, lost the weight, we started dating, and then the guy would say that he would have dated me when I was fatter, too, but that I didn’t seem interested. In other words, when I weighed more, I assumed that the guy wasn’t interested in me, so I seemed like I wasn’t interested in him as a sort of defense mechanism.
Basically, I could have been having a lot more fun being my fat self!
In the interest of not having you make the same mistakes I did, please, please know that you are perfect, adorable and eminently date-able right now. You don’t have to lose weight or look different or whatever. Flirt at coffee shops, make an OkCupid profile, let yourself wear that hot dress in the back of your closet that you’re dying to wear but couldn’t find the courage until now. And if you don’t have anyone to date at the moment, you can have a totally lovely time dating yourself in the meantime.
Assuming that your size is always an impediment to dating simply isn’t true. I encourage you to look around you a bit and consider this. Are all your thin friends happily partnered? Are all of your fatter friends unhappily single? Do you know people who are of varying in sizes in good relationships and not so good relationships?
Allow yourself to enjoy body confidence right now, without losing weight. If you’re not sure how to do that, definitely check out my Body Love 101 resources page. And if you’re serious about getting support (and getting hot dates), sign up for a free Body Love Breakthrough session with me.
Golda is a certified holistic health counselor and founder of Body Love Wellness, a program designed for plus-sized women who are fed up with dieting and want support to stop obsessing about food and weight.
5 replies on “Losing Weight To Date Ain’t Great”
Really valid point!
1) my add from Google on this page is for Runners World Magazine and their special Slim and Strong edition . . . oh Google, you silly bitch
2) I have really enjoyed hopping on this body love bandwagon. I also have several people in my life who could really benefit from this information. So far, my attempts at getting those people interested are met with resistance. Do you find that this is a concept that people need to discover for themselves, or is there a tactful and loving way to introduce people to this idea? I almost feel as if I send someone one of your articles, I’m no better than someone sending dieting tips to an ‘overweight’ friend – telling someone how they ought to be. It’s entirely possible that I over-think these things . . .
I know I discovered HAES on my own through awesome feminist blogs like this one. If you want to introduce others to it, maybe link them to a blog devoted to HAES? Shapely Prose, while now defunct, has tons and tons of great posts on the subject, and it was my first introduction to the concept. Maybe tell friends about a new thought-provoking blog post you’ve read and approach it like that?
I loved Shapely Prose! Kate’s post The Fantasy of Being Thin is one of my favorite pieces to ever appear on the site. It’s really eye opening for people who aren’t versed in body acceptance.
you guys are awesome! thanks so much!