The “Skinny” on Skinny Vodka

A friend of mine gave me the heads up to what we thought was a new way to market “skinny”: Skinny Vodka. A search quickly returned a plethora of like products. Apparently there is an entire line of skinny vodkas and vodka mixes (one of which aptly entitled Skinnygirl Vodkas). What the hell is skinny vodka, you ask? Yeah, I asked that, too.

Voli Light Vodka, one of these so-called skinny vodkas, advertises itself as the world’s first low calorie fruit infused vodka. And who are they made for? Well, they are the perfect “alternative for health conscious people who want to indulge in flavorful, refreshing cocktails without the guilt!” [Source: http://volispirits.com/site/] Because, you hard working ladies, “you balance the world on your shoulders; let [them] balance the cocktail in your glass.” Oh, and, by the way, it’s made from French wheat, so it’s doubly superior and extra classy.

The trick to this sort of market is the selling the adage “You can have your cake/fried foods/soda/alcohol and eat/drink it, too.” (It’s also based on the antiquated model of weight loss that is the calorie system, but that takedown is for another day”¦) Specifically, don’t worry ladies, going out and having a full-on, dance-partying, drink-buying night will no longer leave you feeling guilty from all those calories! So, go on, and buy another. In fact, buy a bottle. Of skinny vodka. Because you want to be skinny. Because skinny is fun. So is drinking. So drink to be skinny. Or, at least, don’t let your drinking (aka, your buying drinks) get in the way of your ultimate goal of being skinny”¦

And boy is it working.

While running said searches, reviews of the skinny vodkas came up on a number of different dime-a-dozen sites aimed at The Woman.

One in particular notes that Voli Vodka made its debut at Fashion Week, which means (obviously) it’s perfect for all you fashionistas out there. And all you fashionistas want to be skinny, yes? Because skinny is fashionable, which is why Light Vodka makes its debut surrounded by those that are both praised and condemned for their size. This particular post is tagged with, “bride, bridesmaid, wedding, food and drink, events” despite making no mention of weddings. But brides want to be skinny. Because skinny is beautiful. And on your wedding day you must be your most beautiful self, which is your most skinny self. My favorite line from this post is, “You fashionistas will delight in learning that Voli Light vodkas have 25 to 40 percent fewer calories than other leading vodka brands.  I KNOW!!”

Fewer calories?!?!?! I KNOW!! Like, right?!

The page then boasts Voli’s tagline, “In a world where things add up, it’s nice to subtract,” then adds, “now you know I’m not one to say “˜diet’, but if you are counting those calories, Voli may be a great option.”

Listen, no one likes the word diet, but you know what word we do love? SKINNY.

BUT HERE’S THE THING: Skinny Vodka is chemically impossible.

A few commenters on said sites caught on to this asking things like, “What’s the alcohol content? I bet it’s lower, so you have to drink more, and therefore consume the same amount of calories”¦” Good call, Anonymous Commenter. You’re on the right track.

If you look closely at Skinnygirl’s Vodka, you’ll see that it is down from 80 proof to 60 proof. So, yup, less alcohol for your proverbial buck. But that’s not all! Suggested serving size is 1.5 oz, smaller than the traditional shot size of 2 oz.

If you’re counting, “Skinny” vodka is, mathematically, 1/2 of 1 shot of vodka. That’s why it’s skinny, because it is literally half the size. That’s it. That’s the big secret.

So yeah, I guess if the whole academia thing doesn’t work out, I’m going to make millions marketing everything as “skinny” but really just giving them half the product for a huge markup.