Linotte Reads “Fifty Shades of Grey”: Chapter Five

Happy Monday, Persephoneers! Let’s start this week out right with some laughs from Chapter Five of Fifty Shades of Grey. Let me help you get through the Monday afternoon drag. Trust me, the task of reading this series is arduous, but the results are worth it.

The orange juice tastes divine. It’s thirst-quenching and refreshing. Nothing beats freshly squeezed orange juice for an arid mouth.

Did we also mention…

He’s close enough for me to touch, for me to smell. Oh my”¦sweat and body wash and Christian. It’s a heady cocktail – so much better than a margarita, and now I can speak from experience.

OK, I hate tequila, but a margarita would be better than a cocktail made of Christian’s sweat and funk any day.

“Anastasia, you were comatose. Necrophilia is not my thing. I like my women sentient and receptive.”

Oh, what a relief!  He doesn’t like zombies!

I flush all the waywardness of my subconscious – she’s doing her happy dance in a bright red hula skirt at the thought of being his.

Ana’s subconscious.

My heartbeat has picked up, and my medulla oblongata has neglected to fire away any synapses to make me breathe.

Hopefully someone there is certified in CPR.

He cares enough to come and rescue me from some mistakenly perceived danger. He’s not a dark knight at all, but white knight in shining, dazzling armor – a classic romantic hero – like Sir Gawain or Lancelot.

This knight.

I grab the bag and dart into the bathroom away from the unnerving proximity of naked Christian. Michelangelo’s David has nothing on him.

Really?  So is Christian made of marble, too?  Wouldn’t that be cold?

In the bathroom, it’s all hot and steamy from where he’s been showering. I strip off my clothes and quickly clamber into the shower, anxious to be under the cascading water, and I hold up my face into the welcoming torrent. I want Christian Grey. I want him badly. Simple fact. For the first time in my life, I want to go to bed with a man. I want to feel his hands and his mouth on me.

Well, congratulations!

The water is warm and soothing. Hmm”¦I could stay under this shower, in this bathroom, for ever. I reach for the body wash and it smells of him. It’s a delicious smell. I rub it all over myself, fantasizing that it’s him. Oh my. My heartbeat picks up again. This feels so”¦so good.


“Anastasia, I’m not a hearts and flowers kind of man. I don’t do romance. My tastes are very singular. You should steer clear of me”¦.There’s something about, you, though, and I’m finding it impossible to stay away. But I think you’ve figured that out already.”

Um, Ana, I think this means you ought to run…

“˜Taylor, I’m going to need Charlie Tango.”

Charlie Tango! Who’s he?

You know…C as in Charlie, T as in Tango.  Cock tease!

I want to clean my teeth. I eye Christian’s toothbrush. It would be like having him in my mouth. Hmm. Glancing guiltily over my shoulder, I feel the bristles on the toothbrush. They are damp. He must have used it already. Grabbing it quickly, I squirt toothpaste on it and brush my teeth in double-quick time. I feel so naughty. It’s such a thrill.

It was a thrill, all right.  Then she got mono.

Deep joy, there is a hair tie in my bag.

I’ve been relieved to find a hair tie in my bag when I need it, but I’ve never felt the deep kind of joy Ana describes.

My tongue tentatively strokes his and joins his in a slow erotic dance that’s all about touch and sensation, all bump and grind.

Cue R Kelly…

And that’s a wrap!  See you all on the flip side of Chapter Six!

20 replies on “Linotte Reads “Fifty Shades of Grey”: Chapter Five”

Pro tip for anyone reading who hasn’t ever had a penis in their mouth: it bears little to no resemblance to a toothbrush. Size, smell, taste, texture, responsiveness… nada. Please do not practice fellatio on your toothbrush, or the real thing may be a terrible shock to you.

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