Linotte Reads “Fifty Shades of Grey” – Chapter One

Hello, Persephoneers! I’ll admit that I’ve been very overwhelmed lately, and I finally got around to some me time this past weekend. With what? Well, I took some time out to get a peek at E.L. James’s epic romantic novel Fifty Shades of Grey. Some people have deemed it to be the best piece of literature they have ever read, while others dismiss it as trash written by a hack.

I, on the other hand – along with some others – think it’s the funniest thing I’ve ever read. It’s just so deliciously awful. There are some real humdingers here, folks. So this is what I’m going to do for you: I’m going to go through each chapter and find the funniest or worst quotes, themes, or elements and give you my two cents worth on each of them. We’re starting out with Chapter One. Ready? Here we go!

[H]ere I am trying to brush my hair into submission. I must not sleep with it wet. I must not sleep with it wet. Reciting this mantra several times, I attempt, once more, to bring it under control with the brush”¦.My only option is to restrain my wayward hair in a ponytail and hope that I look semi-presentable.

Um, I guess she’s never heard of a blow dryer and a round brush, either?

Kate is my roommate, and she has chosen today of all days to succumb to the flu. Therefore, she cannot attend the interview she’s arranged to do, with some mega-industrialist tycoon I have never heard of, for the student newspaper. So I have been volunteered. Damn her and her extracurricular activities!

Yup. Damn Kate. She’s doing this all on purpose. Damn her and her lousy extracurricular activities straight to hell.

I cannot believe that I let Kate talk me into this. But then Kate can talk anyone into anything.

Yeah, like the time she talked you into eating crayons to see whether or not your poop would come out in different colors. You ended up in the ER. But sure, Kate, anything you say, Kate!

I’m not sure Wanda, my old VW Beatle, would make the journey in time.

I push open the door and stumble through, tripping on my own feet, and falling head first into the office. Double crap – me and my two left feet! I am on my hands and knees in the doorway to Mr. Grey’s office, and gentle hands are helping me to stand. I am so embarrassed, damn my clumsiness. I have to steel myself to glance up. Holy cow – he”˜s so young.

She ought to be embarrassed that she didn’t see this as an opportunity to sue Grey for her slip and fall accident and come out of it with oodles of money. Holy cow – you could have paid off your student loans and bought yourself a new car.

Beyond that, there is a floor-to-ceiling window with a view of the Seattle skyline that looks out through the city toward the Sound. It’s a stunning vista, and I’m momentarily paralyzed by the view. Wow.

HOLY SHIT! HOLY COW! COPY EDITOR NEEDED HERE! LOOK AT THAT VIEW, AT THAT VISTA, AT THAT VIEW!

I’ve never been comfortable with one-on-one interviews, preferring the anonymity of a group discussion where I can sit inconspicuously at the back of the room. To be honest, I prefer my own company, reading a classic British novel, curled up in a chair in the campus library. Not sitting twitching nervously in a colossal glass and stone edifice.

No, it’s just that you really didn’t need that extra espresso shot.

“I haven’t made any plans, Mr. Grey. I just need to get through my final exams.” Which I should be studying for now rather than sitting in your palatial, swanky, sterile office, feeling uncomfortable under your penetrating gaze.

Aha! Foreshadowing!

Something tells me that there is going to be a penetration motif throughout this. NO SPOILERS, OK?

‘”You also invest in farming technologies. Why are you so interested in this area?”

“We can’t eat money, Miss Steele, and there are too many people on this planet who don’t have enough to eat.”

“That sounds very philanthropic. Is it something you feel passionately about? Feeding the world’s poor?”

He shrugs, very noncommittal.

“It’s shrewd business,” he murmurs, though I think he’s being disingenuous.”’

And that’s a wrap! If you read it, did you see any laugh- or cringe-worthy things worth sharing? Please do!

Until Chapter Two, Persephoneers!