Movie Review: “Ted”

In interviews about his movie Ted, Seth McFarlane credits Peter Jackson with creating excellent critter CGI, which had never previously been used in a comedy. I think Peter Jackson should punch Seth McFarlane with a hobbit. 

To be fair, Ted has a handful of moments that are genuinely funny without relying on racist, homophobic, sexist stereotypes. Those moments are all in the first 20 minutes. Overall, it’s the laziest goddamned filmmaking I’ve forced myself to watch all the way to the end in a very long time.

Ted fails the Bechdel test.  There are only two named women in the movie, and the only time they interact is to get into a cat fight. The only other women in the movie are a trio of hookers (one of whom shits on the floor) hired by talking teddy bear, Ted, and a trio of Mila Kunis’ co-workers, with whom Kunis’ character only talks about her boyfriend. Oh, wait, Norah Jones also appears as herself, and a former fuck-buddy of Ted’s. Ted insults her for being Muslim and then says, “Thanks for 9/11.”  Yes, Seth McFarlane is the Shakespeare of our time.

Many reviews I’ve read praise Ted for being hilarious and having a lot of heart. Perhaps I’m too stupid and lady-brained to see it, but I totally missed the heart in this movie between the fat jokes, the racist jokes, the rape jokes and the shit-on-the-floor jokes. HAHAHAHAHA. Fat people. HAHAHAHA. Knight Rider was a thing.  HAHAHAHA. Floor shit.

Mark Wahlberg was fine as Human Dude. Mila Kunis was fine as Human Lady. Giovanni Ribisi was weird as the embodiment of a shout out to Silence of the Lambs. It doesn’t matter, because this movie is terrible.

Don’t waste your time, your brain cells or (especially) your hard-earned dollars on this. Even if you like fat jokes, you can do better than this steaming turd of a movie.

By [E] Selena MacIntosh*

Selena MacIntosh is the owner and editor of Persephone Magazine. She also fixes it when it breaks. She is fueled by Diet Coke, coffee with a lot of cream in it, and cat hair.

16 replies on “Movie Review: “Ted””

I felt bad, because I told my boyfriend I didn’t want to see this movie in theaters and give my money to it, because I heard it was really sexist, and he seemed to understand but also think like, “but why can’t we just go see a movie we want to see?” But now I’m reaffirmed. And I think he should go see Magic Mike with me instead. Probably also sexist, but in a different way.

Never. That films like this are still being made and considered successful and daring and ‘Oh my, look at us being daring, hihihihi!’ makes me so disappointed in the Hollywood and glad that I have easy access to European films (oh look at me being Arthousey and ~different~).

And I’m pretty sure Wahlberg has some acting talent but why does he end up in utter ninconpoopery like this? On the other hand ..there is gossip about him being a vile racist, so maybe he had the time of his life.

I know that there’s a strong thread of American culture that revels in what it views as “anti-PC,” and it aims to defend “dark” (read: blatantly offensive) humor to the death with mottos such as “either everything is okay to make fun of, or nothing is.” I see it as a kyriarchical backlash against all the movements aiming to bring down various forms of oppression. Not only because it is defending the “right” to make offensive jokes, but anyone who objects is deemed “unfunny.” It’s basically demanding that the people being viciously mocked in demeaning ways should enjoy being mocked.

Therefore, films like this are viewed, as you say, as successful and daring because they are offensive. It’s supposed to be daring because it’s “doing what we wish we could,” as the mentality goes.

Maybe that was the joke? I’m not sure one way or the other. Still, WTF?

I never understood the argument that some comedians are great because they are offensive to everyone. Ass boils are also offensive to everyone, and no one calls ass boils genius. An apt synonym for today’s version of “offensive to everyone” is “appealing to the lowest common denominator.”

The funny thing is, I’ve actually really liked McFarlane in interviews. He seems like a bright, interesting and (gasp) genuinely funny guy. After every interview I’ve tried to give Family Guy another chance, and I always end up with some vomit in my throat. McFarlane is obviously capable of more than this slop, he’s just too lazy to try.

I’ve also heard similar, except it was phrased “If you like Family Guy, you’ll like Ted.” This also came from a reviewer who said he liked Family Guy more after it came back (!). So, of course, he loved the movie.

Considering I can’t even bring myself to LOOK at Seth McFarlane without thinking he must be a disgusting skidmark of a human being, I’m not going to watch Ted. And I actually liked the earliest Family Guy, despite cringing at some of the jokes.

Hey, you’re back!

Early Family Guy was pretty funny, I must admit. Now it’s just…ugh. Honestly though, I would never be able to give this movie a chance because it’s just gotten to the point that I can’t stand McFarlane’s voice. All I hear is Peter and horrible things spewing out of his mouth.

That’s how I would sum it up as well. I enjoyed this movie, just as I’m probably one of the few people on feminist blogs who actually likes Family Guy.* Although with both, I still find myself cringing at a lot of the “jokes” that are just too offensive to be amusing.

*note: just re-read this sentence and want to note this is not meant with any sense of superiority.

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