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Who Would Play You in a TV Movie?

In elementary school, when my friend and I wanted to insult each other, we’d say, “Oh yeah? Well, (fill in the blank) will play you in your TV movie!” Usually, fill in the blank was Tori Spelling, who in 1994 was the epitome of a bad actress and decidedly uncool to a bunch of fifth graders. Don’t ask me why we started with this insult; I seriously can’t figure out why I did half the stuff I did in my youth. 

I thought of our insult game again the other day, which led me to wonder who would play me in a television movie these days. Now, the Lifetime network has absolutely no reason to even think about telling my story, but it’s still fun to think about it. The only problem is, I can’t think of a single actress who could portray me.

It’s not just that there isn’t an actress who could be my celebrity doppelganger; I really cannot come up with anything that sets me apart too much and is easy to replicate, like Marilyn Monroe’s breathy tone or Emma Stone’s husky voice. It’s a lot easier to step into the role of a real person when you have something like that to work with, and I would give my actress nothing, except a penchant for saying “whatever” a lot.

Sometimes, the real person takes on the roll, which makes sense but is also kind of weird. Are you willing to portray yourself in an unflattering light if need be? Will you let the director tell you how to do something you’ve already done in real life? Things could get very strange, very fast.

It would be pretty neat to watch the story of your life unfold onscreen (of course, that’s assuming your life wasn’t terrible), especially if it’s one of those movies where they have different actors playing you over time. I do think it would be difficult to be objective, especially if you had nothing to do with the script. Maybe it’s a good thing that unless I come up with a cure for cancer or write the Next Great American Novel – you know, things that would be worthy of having your tale told –  I’ll never know how it feels.

So, who would play you in a movie? Are you as lost as I am in trying to figure someone out, or is there the perfect fit out there?

By Catherine

Catherine is a Southern California based freelance writer, whose work has appeared in everything from the New York Times to Entertainment Weekly. The highlight of her life (so far) was being featured on MSNBC for a story she wrote on Hello Kitty wines...she knew one day her love of all things HK would come in handy.

7 replies on “Who Would Play You in a TV Movie?”

OK, this makes me smile. Maybe this is an elementary school thing, because when I was little I decided that I wanted Sally Fields to play me. The fact that she’s older than I never entered my mind. She was just such a cute, little flying nun! (Yes, I’ve been around awhile.)

So, can I have Sandra Bullock?

Yeah, maybe not. I’ll take Kathy Bates. Yeah, she’s older than me, too, but I love her. I think I want to be her when I grow up. Or maybe just Harriet Korn.

People used to tell me I looked like Julia Stiles (circa “Save the Last Dance”), and now ScarJo. But she’s shorter than I am and has way bigger breasts. So. I could work with that, but having big breasts is like, not a part of my character and it’d be hard for her to tell jokes about being flat chested in the movie, which I do on occasion. Maybe the lifetime version of me has some other fake body problem, like… a flat stomach. Haha.

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