Go Ask Emily

Dear Emily,

I am 21 and still a college student. STOP TICKING, BIOLOGICAL CLOCK.

~ Papally Bound


Dear Papally Bound,

Okay, does your campus have access to Photoshop? Good. Take a photo of yourself, use the little text button, and add this:

“Biology tutor needed. How is babby formed? Please advise in person; I’m a hands-on learner. First come, then snacks. Towels and Organic Eye Rinse provided for any experiments.”

Add your phone number and soon you could have five little Mitt Romneys. That’s the story I interpreted from Rafalca’s horse dancing set, at least.


Dear Emily,

Something is stuck to my uterus. What do I do? Please help, I’m still in school and going into a profession that won’t earn me a lot of money.

~Eggo Waffles Are Overated


Dear Eggo Waffles,

This calls for Plan C. Other advice columnists might take a more prudent approach to these types of situations and suggest that you pop that little pancake out and trade it for health care plus an apartment or marry the penis who knocked you up, but I don’t always think the conservative approach embraces the free-market enough. You can’t just look at the market and your situation today, you’ve got to look at the market tomorrow as well.

Here goes:
1. Blog about the pregnancy. Sell ads and PR.

2. Do sell the baby – you must use Paypal for this transaction though, preferably with someone who will generate a scandal for your book deal about the best way to sell babies. Think Octomom, Angelina Jolie, i.e. someone famous for babies.

3. Use your writer’s advance to buy the baby back in a quick child-tax-credit default swap. Start a blog about parenting a child you purchased on the Internet. Sell lots of ads and T-shirts. (Mommy logged onto eBay and all she got was me!)

4. When your child turns two and starts being short with you, show them how the financial system really works. Make a trade for one of the kids Madonna’s PR team rejected and teach your child a lesson on being stubborn and saying ‘No!’ (Mommy won’t love you unless you behave and look cute for the camera!) Garner the public’s support by bragging about raising a disadvantaged child at the expense of your own.

5. When your original child hits puberty, send for them. Now that they are a teenager, their dating life and unique family history will make for a great show on Disney or Nickelodeon. Bonus points if you convince Disney to let more than one minority sing, dance, and use the show to become famous.

6. I suppose you can make a terrible prom movie as their graduation present.

As a mommy blogger once told me, a kid’s love is measured in book deals and Youtube video hits. Don’t give your child any sympathy if they give you anything less.

Planned Parenthood would advise you that you have the right to an abortion, but then again, they’ve never seen family plans like these!


     Is your life filled with problems? Are you looking for the correct answers? Well, if you are desperately seeking advice, write Emily a line in the comments or send an email to emilymuppets [at]

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