Did Mitt Romney pick Paul Ryan just because he’s jealous of someone with two real first names?
~ Liberal Lass
Dear Liberal Lass,
I am offended. That is just embarrassing on your part. You are clearly name-shaming and exposing your name-privilege. Mitt Romney picked Paul Ryan so he could have the bumper sticker that reads: “Mitt / Paul, At long last, Salon Style Hair for Republican Men.”
I’m fated to die alone, but I also don’t like cats (at least not enough to own them). Who will eat my face when I break my hip and can’t reach my phone before the reaper comes?
Dear Lonely Lydia,
Have you thought about adopting a Men’s Rights Activist? Currently, shelters across the country are overloaded with MRAs who are going un-adopted and sitting in metaphorical cages of female discrimination. Feminism is the no-kill shelter and MRAs are the ugliest dogs in the world. There is something you can do! Although MRAs are usually thought to be a violent and dangerous breed, veterinarians have found that neutering them greatly reduces stress in their environments; most shelters will neuter your MRA for free when you adopt, and without balls and a somewhat smaller-than-average chain, MRAs are capable of interacting with regular humans and not embarrassing their owners. If you’re really lucky, they’ll let you take that pecker home for a real french delicacy.
When they are puppies, MRAs require three meals a day and lots of attention for the ego. “Lots of heavy petting, no sexual satisfaction” are what defines young MRAs; it’s like dating a repressed gay guy without the validation for your shoe collection. At about two years, though, MRAs can be taken outside without a choke chain and possibly use the litter box all on their own. Teaching them how to flush is especially important. Floaters in an Iowa River aside, MRAs will begin to realize that orgasms aren’t just a radical feminist tool of the great, untouched matriarchy, but a shared experience of love. If you’re willing to take them to training academy, and you don’t have a peanut allergy, you can even teach an MRA to think about your pleasure first. You will definitely need to get a leather outfit and a whip, though; MRAs need someone telling them they are bad, bad, bad when they pee on the carpet and squirt on your face.
I suppose I should I answer your question, though. When you die, your MRA will be so angry at female empowerment and feminism – so incapacitated by his caretaker – that he will take out his anger on your body and eat it. Men’s Rights Activists have long claimed that this isn’t really anger, just incompetence from having no one to make their sandwiches anymore; and personally, I can believe them.
Is your life filled with problems? Are you looking for the correct answers? Well, if you are desperately seeking advice, write Emily a line in the comments or send an email to emilymuppets [at] persephonemagazine.com.