Go Ask Emily

Dear Emily,

How is babby formed, and what part in this conspiracy does the stork play?

~Just Graduated High School


Dear Miss Texas,

A baby is formed when you go to the beach, meet a cute young stork playing in the surf, and hit it off behind the lifeguard stand.

If you aren’t avian-sexual, I hope you are practicing abstinence-only sex with male humans, though. You live in a state that doesn’t legally acknowledge the possibility of baby-formation from rape, premarital sex, non-Christian sex, enjoyable sex, or even terrible sex, so there isn’t a single reason why you would ever let a penis approach you from the front before your wedding night. (50 Shades of Fundamentalist Bible Interpretations, am I right?) Some legal scholars are currently debating if your interest in sex even exists, however, so I don’t think you have anything to worry about, honestly. For that matter, if your state senators don’t believe in ovaries or storks, they probably don’t exist either.

If you do happen to feel a little bloated, though, you can always go to the doctor and ask for a special laxative if you wait less than 6 months. It’s not complicated at all- your doctor just helps you take a medicated poop out of the pre-lubricated anus women have up front.



Dear Emily,

How can I kill my neighbors and get away with it? They like to get drunk, play really loud music, fight with each other.

~College Is Noisy


Dear Person In College,

Search your campus for a printer that still has color ink in it – this might be a struggle depending on where you go to school. After finding such a treasure, create a flyer for a house party with a $2 cups. Pick a good beer – this isn’t even a real fucking party so don’t skimp out on the flyer and list something like Natural Light or Pabst Blue Ribbon. (When your opponent gives the cup from that “2 Girls” video to the judges, it’s easy to win the blue ribbon). Don’t do something stupid out of the movies and put the University President’s address on the flyer either – even the freshmen will get that joke before it’s funny. Be creative and put the campus Director of Public Health’s address.

Print them out and post them around your neighborhood. Now, find your local weed dealer and learn how to chill the fuck out. It’s college – either have some fun yourself or take grand pleasure in the irony of your neighbors spending $40,000 to $80,000 over 4 years to drink cheap beer every weekend. I take that back – perhaps you should cry because you go to a university that lets in students who failed middle school mathematics.

Just Transfer. Greendale Community College has pillow forts in their dorms; I strongly recommend their educational experience.



Dear Emily,

How dare you attack MRAs like that last week? This is outrageous. I am a strong, confident male and you are a dirty, feminist hippy and your boobs are flat. No one loves you. You are a terrible person and my penis is huge. Die in a fire.

~Feminists Are Stupid


Dear Hateful Person,

Look down. That giant protrusion you see next to your balls isn’t your penis – it’s a cancer your balls gave you when they realized you were too stupid to procreate.

That’s right men, if you hate on women and buy into rape culture, your balls will pimp slap you and then try to commit suicide. These are the facts – I learned them in my high school health class so they must be true.

Lastly, I would tell you to go fuck yourself, but I’m sure you already have that covered. Since you can fully cover it with one hand, use the other one to cover up your pie-hole and shut up.


     Is your life filled with problems? Are you looking for the correct answers? Well, if you are desperately seeking advice, write Emily a line in the comments or send an email to emilymuppets [at]