Oh. My. God. One of my best friends is married to a guy who happens to be close friends with my fiancÃ©. He is coming over for game night. He is one of the smartest, nicest, most self-absorbed and overly sensitive people you will ever meet. And DOES HE STINK LIKE B.O. I have no idea what to say! I can’t saw anything can I? I’m going to be sitting across the room and I will smell him as soon as he walks in. Should I tell her? Oh, Lord the smell is brutal.
~ Classy Converses
Dear Classy Converses,
There are really a couple of solutions you can try:
1. Just jump up and down and clap your hands during the next Old Spice commercial.
2. Get some outdoor lights and drag the TV outside for some late-night tailgate. Set up a slip and slide in your backyard, and when it’s his turn just throw some Dove down with him too. Bonus points if you get a car wash slip and slide and add shampoo & conditioner during the noodle scrub portion.
3. Buy a black dress and veil and politely wink at your friend all night. Let her know that, honestly, you are dead to her: her fiancÃ© smells from across the room and she is okay with this? Perhaps she will be amiable to having some sexy times in the shower with him to get the grooming process started, but as it is the wedding party will be able to fart and get sighs of relief from their peers.
4. This is one of those problems that require an intervention – for both of them. Gather everyone at the party, get a gift bag with some soap, and sit both of them down to have a talk. If you film it for YouTube, send us a link!
My aunt wants to make me a blanket. She has talked about putting my favorite band or movie on it, but I don’t know what to tell her. I’m in college and I don’t want her to see me as a kid anymore, but I’m afraid she’ll misinterpret whatever movie I say.
~Lost In Translation
Dear Lost In Translation,
Have you considered Magic Mike? First of all, think of your aunt’s sex life. Help her spice up her hobby with Matt Bomer. He’s on White Collar on USA, but his butt looks like orgasms cast in marble. If this is your Christmas gift, you can just put a winky face on her card in return– now you have a blanket and cocktail money!
Plus, you’re in college. When you’re not eating and studying, chances are you’re drinking or sleeping. Make the most out of 5400 hours you’ll spend in your bunk during school.
Just attach the image to the email yourself. Your aunt doesn’t know how to turn safe-search off.
I’ve always wanted to get my letter published by an advice columnist. I read all of them and I noticed you just started yours. I’ve just fallen down a flight of stairs and I think my neck is broken. Do you have any advice?
~Protecting My iPad
Dear Protecting My iPad,
Right now, you’re going to have to think about how you want to spend the rest of your life. These last few seconds could mean the difference between life and death.
1. Have you considered becoming a ghost? The California Court system will provide you with a stipend to haunt Lindsay Lohan. Unemployment is the number one factor affecting spirited Americans in 2012.
2. What about rotting flesh? It’s the hottest new diet trend in 2012. Although, zombies are a cultural metaphor that don’t really make a lot of sense as an actual creature. Everyone is afraid of their apocalypse, but they have got to be the only horror creature that even a five-year-old could handle. They are slow moving, brainless, and always hungry; I would seriously advise against joining the Republican Party in 2012. Wait until they reanimate the Whigs.
3. Vampires? If you feel like your life is a series of meaningless, random events that are loosely connected by a southern girl named Sookeh, then vampire is the only choice for you. You can alternate between being friendly and ruthless, and have lots of sex. Even though you move 20 times as fast as ordinary humans, your sex skills are a hundred times better. Literary experts call this a paradox, but True Blood fans call this obvious.
4. Call 911. I’m told they are equipped to deal with situations like this. In fact, this one time, at 1980s Detroit Camp, they even turned a dying cop into a robot. So, there’s that.
5. Just wait a few minutes and file a customer complaint with Steve Jobs in person. Android tablets can probably warn you when you are about to fall down the stairs, just like how doctors can warn you when you have cancer. At least that’s what my mom always told me: “Always listen to the doctor, Emily.”
6. Maybe you should just call a doctor.
~ Emily, a reluctant True Blood fan.
Is your life filled with problems? Are you looking for the correct answers? Well, if you are desperately seeking advice, write Emily a line in the comments or send an email to emilymuppets [at] persephonemagazine.com.