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Linotte Reads “Fifty Shades of Grey:” Chapter Fourteen

Hi, Persephoneers, it’s Wednesday, known to some as Hump Day. What could make for a better Hump Day than a recap of Chapter Fourteen of Fifty Shades of Grey? Hopefully the laugh-inducing quotes and my scintillating commentary will make the midweek drag a little easier to bear.

Holy hell. I’m completely disorientated. What the hell just happened? I’m in my bedroom alone. How? Why? I sit bolt upright, shocked”¦ wow. It’s morning. I glance at my alarm clock ““ eight o’clock. I put my head in my hands. I didn’t know I could dream sex. Was it something I ate? Perhaps the oysters and my Internet research manifesting itself in my first wet dream. It’s bewildering. I had no idea that I could orgasm in my sleep.

I am so confused. Christian’s idea of a relationship is more like a job offer. It has set hours, a job description, and a rather harsh grievance procedure. It’s not how I envisaged my first romance ““ but, of course, Christian doesn’t do romance. If I tell him I want more, he may say no”¦ and I could jeopardize what he has offered. And this is what concerns me most, because I don’t want to lose him. But I’m not sure I have the stomach to be his submissive ““ deep down, it’s the canes and whips that put me off. I’m a physical coward, and I will go a long way to avoid pain.

Irene Adler is having a really hard time understanding your thought process.

I think of my dream”¦ is that what it would be like? My inner goddess jumps up and down with cheerleading pom-poms shouting yes at me.

Yeah, her inner goddess looks really thrilled.

 

As he sits, he undoes his single-breasted jacket, and I glimpse his tie. Holy shit”¦ that tie! I rub my wrists reflexively. I cannot take my eyes off him ““ his beauty as distracting as ever ““ and he’s wearing that tie, on purpose no doubt.

Have you ever thought that maybe that tie went well with the suit, Ana? Jeez! Why does it always have to be about you?

‘Look at him!’ one of the girls beside me breathes enthusiastically to her friend.
‘He’s hot.’
I stiffen. I’m sure they’re not talking about Professor Collins.
‘Must be Christian Grey.’
‘Is he single?’
I bristle.
‘I don’t think so,’ I murmur.
‘Oh.’ Both girls look at me in surprise.
‘I think he’s gay,’ I mutter.
‘What a shame,’ one of the girls groans.

Yup, that’s the way to keep the rivals away from your fuck buddy. Spread rumors that he’s gay. You’re a sneaky one, Ana!

My jaw falls to the floor. What? Christian was hungry once. Holy crap. Well, that explains a great deal. And I recall the interview; he really does want to feed the world. I desperately rack my brains to remember what Kate had written in her article. Adopted at age four, I think. I can’t imagine that Grace starved him, so it must have been before then, as a little boy. I swallow, my heart constricting at the thought of a hungry, gray-eyed toddler. Oh no. What kind of life did he have before the Greys got hold of him and rescued him?

Stop talking about him like he’s a rescued puppy dog. This is a guy with some serious issues who could be quite bad for you.

I’m seized by a sense of raw outrage. Poor, fucked-up, kinky, philanthropic Christian ““ though I’m sure he wouldn’t see himself this way and would repel any thoughts of sympathy or pity”¦.He’s doing all of these good works, running a huge company, and chasing me at the same time. It’s overwhelming.

Really? Just…Ugh!

 

Are you staying for drinks?’ he asks.
‘I don’t know what Ray wants to do.’
‘Your stepfather? I’d like to meet him.’
Oh no”¦ why?
‘I’m not sure that’s a good idea.’
Christian unlocks the door, his mouth in a grim line.
‘Are you ashamed of me?’
‘No!’ It’s my turn to sound exasperated. ‘Introduce you to my dad as what? “This is the man who deflowered me and wants us to start a BDSM relationship.” You’re not wearing running shoes.’

Yeah, I’d start running if I were you, varmint. Her dad is pretty crazy when it comes to meeting her boyfriends.

You look kinda dorky”¦ my subconscious is at her snarky best. So are you going to introduce Ray to the man you’re fucking? She is glaring at me over her wing-shaped spectacles. He’d be so proud. God, I hate her sometimes.

Professor McGonagall does not like your subconscious…or Christian Grey.

Hello, Ray,’ Kate kisses Ray on both cheeks, making him blush. ‘Have you met Ana’s boyfriend? Christian Grey.’
Holy shit”¦ Kate! Fuck! All the blood drains from my face.
‘Mr. Steele, it’s a pleasure to meet you.’ Christian says smoothly, warmly, completely unflustered by Kate’s introduction. He holds out his hand, which, all credit to Ray, Ray takes, not showing a hint of the drop-dead surprise he’s just had thrust upon him.

Well, can you say awkward situation?

‘He seems trés cool about it, Ana. Don’t sweat it. Look at him now ““ Christian cannot take his eyes off you.’

It’s his death stare.

Suddenly, it’s like we’re on our own in the room. Just the two of us. My whole body has come alive, every nerve ending singing softly, that electricity pulling me to him, charging between us.

No, I just think it’s static.

What have you done? My subconscious screams at me. My inner goddess is doing back flips in a routine worthy of a Russian Olympic gymnast.

But her inner goddess didn’t win a medal at this last Olympics.

Tea is always the answer, according to Ray. I remember my mother complaining about him, saying that when it came to tea and sympathy, he was always good at the tea, not so hot on the sympathy.

No, Ana, he just must be like everyone else who has no sympathy for you.

And that’s a wrap for today!

22 replies on “Linotte Reads “Fifty Shades of Grey:” Chapter Fourteen”

I think I’d rather just read a book about her inner goddess. She seems to be very dramatic. Pom-poms, backflips, foot-tapping – what will she do next?

I’d love to hear how she’s secretly plotting to take over Ana’s life and make *her* be the subconscious. Apparently she’s quite athletic and a little school-marm-y. Ditch Christian Grey, make IG the star (abbreviating it makes it so much more bearable), sublimate Ana – now you’ve got a book I might read.

 It’s not how I envisaged my first romance – but, of course, Christian doesn’t do romance. If I tell him I want more, he may say no… and I could jeopardize what he has offered. And this is what concerns me most, because I don’t want to lose him.

Ok, this bit…. This bit pisses me off. Translated into real people speak she has basically said, “This is not the relationship I want to have, and that will not change because my goals are totally different from his goals. But I dare not speak of this to him because I don’t want him to leeeeeave me.” Why? No really WHY? If the relationship is not good, is it really worth staying? If he won’t even compromise on what you want, do you really lose out if he walks? I cannot. I just cannot.

Oh, I love a good romance novel, too.  I’ve read a couple of good ones that were based on Marie de France’s “Bisclavret” lai (but Gillian Bradshaw is pretty meticulous in research) and another series that was based on the legends of Pressyne and Melusine.  And I can’t tell you how many good historicals I’ve read in which the authors have clearly done their research and will actually blog about it so their readers know what they’re talking about.  But then these are people who are not only passionate about what they write, they are also passionate about the whole process.

i have this theory that is really really catty and elitist and snobby:
poorly written books with juvenile vocabulary appeal to people who don’t read much because they can get through them quickly and they can then say they’ve just read a book.  i think non-book-nerds secretly want to be book-nerds.  we’re quite a cool crowd when you think about it.  i’d want to be one of us.

There’s a difference between poorly written and using a simple vocabularly, though. Harry Potter uses a relatively simple vocabularly, but it’s well written. Twilight, excusing moments of thesaurus abuse, uses a simple vocabularly but isn’t well written. With Fifty Shades, though, I wouldn’t call it a simple/juvenille vocabularly. Well, that was my feeling, at least. I managed to get through the whole book, but I was constantly tripping up over the (misuse of) vocabularly as well as the poor writing.

For those who don’t read much, I think it has to be simple vocabularly that appeals more than poor writing, surely? Poor writing would discourage someone from reading, I would have thought.

You know, I kind of feel this way while doing this whole series.  Yet oddly I think snarking on it is justified because it is utter crap.  There is 1940s pulp fiction that is better written than this.  And some of it is so poorly researched.  It’s just a shitty book that appeals to a core audience who will devour anything having to do with Twilight.

I mean, if I wrote some World War I romance using Bella, Edward, Jacob, and the rest of the gang, then changed the names and published it, you bet I’d get a seven-figure deal too.  Only my shit would be well researched.

Ha! That chimes exactly with redlemonader’s review of the family dinner scene:

all the remaining Greys hug Ana and manage to stop short of humping her leg, because for some reason everyone in this book seems to think she’s totally amazing and not actually a complete fucking moron.

I just can’t with this inner goddess shit. Linotte, I seriously have no idea how you are able to get through this. I know all of this has been said before, and more articulately than I am expressing right now, but the writing is SO TERRIBLE. How? Why? Huh? This woman is a freaking best-selling author?!?!?!? I. Just. Can’t.

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