Linotte Reads “Fifty Shades of Grey”: Chapter Sixteen

Welcome back, all, to the continuing recap of Fifty Shades of Grey. We’re now on Chapter Sixteen, and believe me when I tell you, kiddos, that the further we get into this book, the cheesier it gets. So bring some baguette and Wheat Thins and let’s plunge onward into Chapter Sixteen.

I’m lying on top of him, my head on his chest, and he smells divine: fresh, laundered linen and some expensive body wash, and the best, most seductive scent on the planet”¦ Christian. I don’t want to move, I want to breathe this elixir for eternity.

If you want to get that smell at home, dear readers, I suggest huffing Snuggle dryer sheets and Old Spice.

‘Why don’t you like to be touched?’ I whisper, staring up into soft gray eyes.
‘Because I’m fifty shades of fucked up, Anastasia.’
Oh”¦ his honesty is completely disarming. I blink up at him.
‘I had a very tough introduction to life. I don’t want to burden you with the details. Just don’t.’

Oh, his assholeness is totally disarming. Because he’s fifty shades of fucked up. Isn’t he a dreamboat?

‘Miss Steele, you are not just a pretty face. You’ve had six orgasms so far and all of them belong to me,’ he boasts, playful again.

Wow, seems someone has some issues with entitlement…

‘When is your period due?’ He interrupts my thoughts.
‘I hate wearing these things,’ he grumbles. He holds up the condom, then puts it on the floor, and slips on his jeans.
‘Well?’ he prompts when I don’t reply, and he looks at me expectantly as if he’s waiting for my opinion on the weather. Holy crap”¦ this is personal stuff.
‘Next week.’ I stare down at my hands.
‘You need to sort out some contraception.’

Yeah, because birth control is just the woman’s responsibility. Jeez. Just what a dick.

‘Did you get me tipsy on purpose?’
‘Because you over-think everything, and you’re reticent like your stepdad. A drop of wine in you and you start talking, and I need you to communicate honestly with me. Otherwise you clam up and I have no idea what you’re thinking. In vino veritas, Anastasia.’

A drop of wine in you and you start to show what a controlling asshole you are, Christian.

‘Could get really ugly.’
His grin is infectious.
‘Ugly, how?’
‘Oh you know, explosions, car chases, kidnapping, incarceration.’
‘You’d kidnap me?’
‘Oh yes,’ he grins.
‘Hold me against my will?’ Jeez, this is hot.

Yeah, because like, being held in captivity against your will is like, so hot and so now.


‘I told you what I’d do. I’m a man of my word. I’m going to spank you, and then I’m going to fuck you very quick and very hard. Looks like we’ll need that condom after all.’
My insides practically contort with potent, needy, liquid, desire”¦.Tentatively, I uncurl my legs. Should I run? This is it; our relationship hangs in the balance, right here, right now. Do I let him do this or do I say no, and then that’s it? Because I know it will be over if I say no. Do it! my inner goddess pleads with me. My subconscious is as paralyzed as I am.

First thing: unneeded comma after liquid. Second thing: Stop listening to your inner goddess if you’re not sure about this stuff. Third thing: Why is he spanking you before you guys have signed the contract?

He collapses, panting hard beside me, and he pulls me on top of him and buries his face in my hair, holding me close.
‘Oh, baby,’ he breathes. ‘Welcome to my world.’


Christian squirts baby oil into his hand and then rubs my behind with careful tenderness – from makeup remover to soothing balm for a spanked ass, who would have thought it was such a versatile liquid.

Yeah, who would have thought? You could write a book called A Thousand and One Uses for Baby Oil, the one being “soothing balm for a spanked ass.”

Now please do not refer to yourself as “˜some woman I fuck occasionally’ because, quite frankly it makes me MAD, and you really wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

Stop stealing lines from comic book characters, Christian. You’re pissing Hulk off.

I have fallen for someone who’s so emotionally shut down, I will only get hurt – deep down I know this – someone who by his own admission is completely fucked up. Why is he so fucked up? It must be awful to be as affected as he is, and the thought that as a toddler he suffered some unbearable cruelty makes me cry harder.


‘It’s the way I’m made, Anastasia. I need to control you. I need you to behave in a certain way, and if you don’t – I love to watch your beautiful alabaster skin pink and warm up under my hands.’

Seriously? Someone please buy this fucked-up man some Play-Doh.

And that’s a wrap for now, all! Stay tuned for Chapter Seventeen’s recap later this week!

6 replies on “Linotte Reads “Fifty Shades of Grey”: Chapter Sixteen”

After doing one of my dramatic readings of these recaps for Jon, he decided he is going to refer to his anus as his “inner goddess” from now on. Having a raging case of the runs? “My inner goddess is burning.” Having a bad reaction to new laundry soap? “My inner goddess is itching like a mofo right now.” Decide to do some serious hair removal of your nether regions to dubious effect? “Did I seriously shave my inner goddess for this shit?”

It really does make this book a little more bearable.

Excellent recap, as always. You are doing us all such a great service.

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