New Show Recap: So You Think You Can Dance, 9.09

A week late and dollar short, I’m here to entertain you all with my sparkling commentary on the best dance show on television, So You Think You Can Dance. Last week’s episode was filled with highs and lows, and the wrong f’ing person went home. 

We open with Amelia as Charlie Chaplin in a black, white, and red number that took some post-production work. Which confuses me, because I thought this show was live. It’s a little odd, but mostly in a good way.  It’s clearly by our pal Tyce.

Most of the vamping this week is about SYTYCD‘s six Emmy nominations, so we’re going to skip all that with a comprehensive “Congrats!” from team Persephone. The show is on a two week break so they don’t have to compete with the Olympics, which is fine, because I’ll replace my dance show watchin’ with Olympic watchin’.

Sixteen dancers are left, and two more will be going home at the end of the episode. (LOUD SOBBING.)

Christina Applegate is back as a guest judge, and I start out with high hopes, because she wasn’t completely horrible last season.

The dancers are sharing embarrassing/funny/TV-friendly secrets about their partners.

Tiffany and George Dance Nappy Tabs Hip Hop

Oh what fresh hell is this? A hip-hop routine about babysitting, that’s what. It’s all over the place, Tiffany and George are dressed like the cast of Godspell, and while I don’t have children, I would hesitate to leave a baby with two people who hump the floor of the nursery. Call me kooky.

Nigel wants the hip-hop to be grungier, which I picture Nappy Tabs as interpreting as dancers humping the floor wearing flannel over florals. Mary loves it, because she’s Mary. Christina gushes, but wants it to be “soupier.” Okay.

Amber and Brandon Dance Steamy Jazz

This is quite a bit like Sasha and Twitch’s steamy jazz routine from last season. Nearly identical, even down to the costumes. Regardless, it’s really f’ing hot, and I would like to end a hard day of work just like these two. You know, if I had rhythm. Plus, Brandon wears the hell out of his suspenders. Rawr. Amber is ridiculous, she’s so strong and gorgeous I can’t stop watching her. As a couple, they have a ton of chemistry, and they work very well off each other. This would totally be a couple to watch, if the American voting public wasn’t irredeemably stupid.

Christina says some fairly embarrassing things, but then compliments both dancers. Mary is hot and bovvered. Nigel is Nigel.

Janelle and Dareian Dance Cha Cha by Pasha

PASHA!

Oh shit, Pasha, why did you make these perfectly lovely people dance to this HORRIBLE FUCKING SONG. “Call Me Maybe” is not a cha cha song. It’s hard to even concentrate on the dancers while trying to stop my ears from bleeding.  They do a fairly good job, but my crush on PASHA! has decreased by 10%.

Who am I kidding, I’d still hit that.

Twice.

The judges are not very impressed, and I agree with them. Well, except Christina, who mostly gushes. Everyone hates their feet.

Cole and Lindsay Dance Mandy Moore Contemporary

Okay, I know I’m biased against contemporary, but I thought this was terrible. It was danced beautifully, but the dance itself was melodramatic and cheesy. At one point, it appears as if Cole is mopping the floor with Lindsay’s hair. I am left with a feeling of deep and resounding meh.

Nigel loves it and pimps the lighting, so he can congratulate the lighting team on their Emmy nod. I’m fine with this, the production teams never get enough love. He’s surprised that a ballroom dancer can do contemporary, but I’m not, because ballroom is a gajillion times more complex. (That is only slightly hyperbolic.) Mary loves it. Christina loves it.

Amelia and Will Dance Mandy Moore Jazz

Mandy Moore would like a piece of Will. I can’t argue, he’s pretty cute.

Oh Gods and Goddesses, this is something else. By which I mean boring and kind of terrible, and not even Siouxsie can save it. Although, ten points to Moore for using The Creatures, the lesser known band started by Siouxsie and her then husband Budgie back in the early 80s. As an aside, when Siouxsie and Budgie broke up, it hit me harder than when Kim and Thurston  divorced. But enough about me. This dance is still terrible.

I swear, I’m not in a particularly bad mood, the dances in this episode are just that damn bad. I’m also kind of disappointed at how easy this pair has had it, they’ve never had to dance outside of their comfort zone.

Christina gushes (surprise!), Nigel didn’t feel it, Mary is in the middle.

Matthew and Audrey Dance Salsa

Now THIS is a challenging dance. There’s no self-hugging, these kids are trying to defy gravity and several other laws of physics. And they kind of suck at it. NEVERMIND, I say, they had the most technically difficult routine of the night, and they tried hard. They could both be crisper in their moves, tighter in their frames and sleeker in their transitions, but it’s not bad for two contemporary/jazz dancers.

Mary loves the couple, but didn’t really dig the dance. Christina does what? You guessed it. The music confused her. Nigel is lukewarm.

Witney and Chehon Dance Tookey Contemporary

Oh yay, a dance about star-crossed lovers. The show has never done this before. /sarcasm. They’re dancing “I Will Always Love You” which is not really the best song for this sort of thing, IMHO. It’s like all the other star-crossed lover dances we’ve seen. There’s some lifting, some swooping, some hugging, some clinging, then it’s done. The audience goes nuts, my cynicism rages.

The judges gave it a standing ovation, because apparently they’re drunk or something.

Eliana and Cyrus Dance Nappy Tabs Hip Hop

FINALLY A KICK ASS DANCE. (By Nappy Tabs! I KNOW!) Eliana is a ballerina in a music box, Cyrus is the keymaster. They’re fantastic. The dance is a little dirty, a little funky and a whole lot of fun to watch. It’s still not what I’d consider hip-hop, but after the choreography tonight my standards have lowered. Regardless, I love this pair, and I’m glad they didn’t draw any of the other straws for the night.

The judges share my love, and all is well with the universe.

The Bottom Six

Oh, readers. Somebody hold my purse, because I’m going to have strongly worded words with the American voting public.

The bottom three women: Lindsay, Eliana and Amber. ARE THEY FUCKING KIDDING US? No, apparently they are not.

The bottom three women: Brandon, Dareian and George.

We get a brief reprieve to watch the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater dance the most awesome all male dance I’ve ever seen. Not solely because these men are ridiculously hot, but that’s certainly part of it. Look it up on the main site, readers, you will not be disappointed.

Now, the eliminations. The judges have Amber, Eliana, Brandon and Dareian dance for their lives. They send home AMBER AND BRANDON. OH MY FUCKING WORD NO.

I just can’t even.

Until the week after next, I bid you good day, as so I may go rend my garments in protest.