“I have never been called devout. But watching Lilith shoot out of a blood pool while I sucked down a bride to the dulcet strains of “˜You Light Up My Life,’ well, praise Lilith! Praise Jesus! Praise Moses’ c***! I am born again!”
There are four more episodes to go this season. A couple of years ago, I probably would have been more upset about that. After last year, TB is on my side-eye list. This season has been much better but they have only four more weeks to convince us (ok, me) that I’ll be recapping this next year.
The Authority, Bill, Eric
Post blood orgy, the Authority returns to their lair to get some snacks and talk about all their way cool drug revelations. Eric is being a totally bummer about everything. First, he tries to talk sense into Bill and then he doesn’t even laugh at Reverend Newlin giving Russell a lapdance. Bill tries to be convinced by Eric’s warnings about getting too high and believing everything you hallucinate, which lasts until Salome offers him his two weaknesses – blood and snatch.
Eric tries to talk to Nora. That goes poorly. When Nora shouts out “Fuck Godric!”, I yelled, “Rip her head off, Eric!” Both Eric and I were very put out by Nora’s rudeness regarding our favorite vampire martyr. He lets his sister live because it was in the script.
The Authority discusses way to get all the mainstreamers killed. Bill suggests attacking the True Blood factories. Once their synthetic blood source is gone, mainstreamers will have no choice but to go back to feeding on humans. The Chancellors applaud. Eric looks horrified. But he’s always known Bill’s a dickweed, so why is he surprised?
A brief rant about Bill: Despite the fact that the show seems committed to shoving Bill-N-Sookie-True-Love-4-Vr down our throats, Bill has repeatedly shown himself to be a spineless opportunist. Let’s look at the evidence: he cons Sookie into drinking his blood before she knows what a bond is, he repeatedly lies and manipulates her, he’s a possessive jerk even when they’re not dating, he bangs basically every woman who falls across his path, he is forced to sire Jessica and ignores her because she’s inconvenient for him, and then releases her at three months old without training her how to survive in the world, he tries to bury Eric in the cement with Russell and hires assassins to kill Pam, connives with the Authority to assassinate the Queen so he can take over, and switches allegiances to the Authority as soon as Salome gives him a bullshit reason to justify it even though she might as well be hold up a sign that says “I AM MANIPULATING YOU RIGHT NOW.”
Jason interrupts her suicidal effort to rid herself of her fae abilities. They might come in handy, he convinces her, in finding out who killed their parents. Or defending her from Russell, but I’m pretty sure she didn’t tell Jason he’s back. Their fairy guardians (Claude and his Claud* sisters) offer to perform a ritual at the site of their parents’ death. Sookie is able to tap into both her mother’s and the killer’s viewpoints, as well as discover that Claudine showed up too late to save their parents. She gets a name, which Claude pretends not to recognize, and the fairy claims it should be impossible for Sookie to tap into a vamp’s memories.
Cause the killer isn’t a vampire?! Twist! (Maybe)
Tara is back behind the bar in her matching mommy-daughter-fake-Geisha/hooker outfit. One of her old high school “chums” shows up, says a bunch of racist shit, and tries to get Tara in trouble with her boss. Pam looks angry, but as she says later, Tara doesn’t know her well enough to know that her happy and angry faces are the same. Pam chains the high school bum in the basement, glamours her into becoming Tara’s blood donor, and basically tells Tara what a proud mommy she is.
Lafayette, Terri, Arlene, Holly, Patrick
Jesus appears to Lafayette on his way back from Mexico. It’s a quietly devastating scene and reminds us of how much in love they really were. They hold hands as Lala drives them home.
Where Arlene and Holly wait to hire Lala to conduct a fake sÃ©ance to convince Terri and Patrick that the curse is lifted and, hey, stop being so crazy already. Lala is a true medium, so of course the murdered Iraqi woman actually shows up, tells the group that she will only lift the curse if Terri or Patrick kills the other woman. Patrick lights the hell out of Chez Bellefleur.
The Obama Gang
Predictably, the gang has kidnapped Jessica and stashed her in their clubhouse out in the boondocks so that Hoyt could kill her to make his fee-fees better. The ensuing scene with Jessica and Hoyt is a devastating one, where she confesses she prayed for her love for him to come back and it just didn’t. He’s no monster; he lets her go, of course, and runs out to get help, but refuses to accept her thanks. They’re done.
Later Luna-As-Sam, Sam, and Andy show up to raid the house and are surprised to find Jessica there, who is equally surprised to find out that Hoyt hasn’t made it back to town yet. Luna mentions smelling a big woman in the house that sounds an awful lot like Mrs. Fortenberry. Lest we forget, she did try to kill Jessica once, so her getting mixed up in an anti-vamp group is completely reasonable.
And the rest
- Luna unwillingly shifts into Sam (she’s a skinwalker, remember?) and seems to be suffering from some sort of shifter complications to her healing.
- Alcide does his Second. Then he loses his packmaster challenge.