“There is a reason that you find vampires irresistible. A reason that you slut your heart out to every cute guy out there with fangs.”
One episode! One episode left!
The Authority, Bill, Eric
This late in the season, we’re basically down to one main storyline. That happens every year – last year, it was the showdown with Marnie, another year it was gross maenad orgies in Bon Temps. This year, it’s the “mad god and the Authority” story arc. Personally, I’ve loved the wacked out vampire religion angle, even if it’s not particularly original, however I’m aware it’s not a huge fan favorite.
Every time totally-frontal Lilith comes on screen, I have some very specific questions. Did the casting call ask for actresses with unshaved bush? Did they have to search for unshaved bush outside the greater Los Angeles area? Is that a bush merkin? Don’t laugh ““ that’s a thing! Kate Winslet talked about possibly needing one for her role in The Reader because she’d spent so many years waxing. I don’t really like that True Blood makes me ponder the state of pubic hair in Hollywood.
And another thing! I get that blood-smeared Lilith is supposed to be drenched in the blood of those she killed, but I can’t help but to think she had a really terrible period. Like the ones you have nightmares about. I am positive this is not the angle the show is going for – they’ve done nothing to connect their version of Lilith to reproduction/women’s liberation symbolism. Their Lilith is all chaos and death. And in desperate need of a bath.
So my mind cubes aside, what did we learn about the Authority this week?
Nora’s faith in her new god was shredded when Godric was. She and Eric made a sex pact that they’ll stop Lilith somehow. Why “pour the rest of the blood down the drain” hasn’t come up as an obvious and simple response, I have no idea.
Lilith does have some sort of corporal presence – we see her handprints – two different ones – on the case in the cave and her fingerprints on Bill’s lips. She’s also going around telling everyone that they’re the chosen one, because she’s a chaos god, which makes a lot more sense than waiting around a couple of millennia for Bill-Freaking-Compton to show up.
Bill – who might I remind you, is only like 200 years old and baby compared to every single other Chancellor, including Nora – kills yet another vampire elder. If Bill-Freaking-Compton can kill everyone, why can’t a group of vamps take down Russell? Also, he totally murdered that other Chancellor from behind, because Bill-Freaking-Compton is at heart a big wuss. The shot of him pushing all the remains into the blood pool to cover up what he did was a nice touch though.
The U.S. military sends a diplomat/negotiator to the Authority to reveal: 1) they are not at all fooled about what the vampires are doing and 2) did we mention we have a really massive military budget. Most of the Chancellors seem incredibly surprised by this news. They were completely willing to subjugate the human race under their thumb, but oh crap, here’s a fly in the ointment – humans have weapons of mass destruction at their fingertips! There are flummoxed looks passed around the table until Eric decides to murder the visiting General as a premise to escape the grounds with Nora and… like, save everyone everywhere or something.
Sam and Luna find Emma, get captured, and are still naked.
Sookie, Jason, the Fairies
The fairies summon their Elder to answer the question about why Sookie was sold to vampire-ghost-demon Warlow. She’s supposed to be a little “out of it” because she operates on several planes of existence, but mostly the Elder seems to be incredibly behind in modern American popular music. After some interpretive dancing, the Elder imparts a couple of important facts – Sookie is attracted to vampires for a specific reason (familial contract with Warlow) and that the fairies need to stand against the vampires in allegiance with Sookie.
Then she promptly fights and is drained by Russell. You’d think that a fairie elder who is so old she operates on multiple planes of existence would be a match for a 3,000 year old vampire, but nope! Now Russell is totally high and can see through glamour. The fairies are boned, baby, boned.
I can’t help but feel that at this point, the Warlow plot is really being introduced for next season. Like Sookie walking out on the boys, I suspect we’ll see him in the closing moments of the show.
Roslin, who is my favorite of the Chancellors and pretty much the only one of them I hope to see next season, shows up at Fangtasia looking for who murdered the Sheriff. How does she know he’s dead? Because he’s her progeny. Pam, who has denied having a heart or feelings of responsibility towards anyone but herself, takes the heat for Tara. She killed whats-his-name because he was pissing her off. So Eric is free from the Authority and Pam is locked in. Oh, the irony!
Jessica also gets dragged back from Fangtasia, where she was hiding after running away, fake-embracing Jason, and murdering her guards, back to the Authority bunker. She’s terrified. Jessica, above everyone else, understands what this vampire evangelism is – and she’s scared as hell. Bill, who had made strides as a maker, returns to his early, total jag maker ways by frightening Jessica further and hitting her across the room.
Bill, my friends, is a dick.
And the rest
- My Lala has had absolutely nothing to do for the last two weeks. Sashaying into a scene, saying something bitchy, and sashaying out is not a plotline.
- Remember when Lala and Sookie purchased what seemed to be a literal shit-ton of atomized, motion detector silver spray alarms? And then Tara set them off just by existing? Remember that? You can see them nailed up all over her house still. So why, two weeks in a row, have they not been on? I mean, you can see Steve and Russell literally flanked on all sides by these sprayers while they’re scaring Jason, so why are they not going off? IT SEEMS LIKE THEY MIGHT HAVE BEEN HELPFUL.
- It seems like defeating Iraqi curses, killing a man, and then watching his body evaporate is just the thing to bring romance back to Arlene and Terry’s life.
- Yet more vamp-slaughtering this week, and not a single person we’d care about. Trim the cast, guys.
- Do you guys realize we haven’t had a single Bill-Sookie or Eric-Sookie scene all season? (That hallucination Bill had last week doesn’t count.) Maybe that’s the secret to a good season – keeping their relationship in the background.