“I told you, the first night we met: Vampires often turn on those they love the most.”
So here we are, my friends, at the end of another perplexing, frustrating and very naked season of True Blood. I believe that this year was a vast improvement over the hot mess of Season Four. Maybe that’s damning with faint praise. We didn’t mire ourselves in bizarre love triangles, Sookie acted like she finally found her common sense, Tara’s storyarc was better than any other season so far, and there were a few emotionally compelling scenes. But there were huge plot holes, entire storylines and characters were dropped suddenly for no reason at all, and Lala had mostly nothing to do this season once he got back from Mexico.
Alan Ball is out as the show runner and there’ll be a new person heading the show next year. Let’s hope they learn from the good things. Or at least, the parts that I feel are good.
Let’s find out what those were, shall we?
Almost all of my predictions from last week turned out to be wrong. I couldn’t believe the show would off one of its favorite characters since they love their obscenely bloated cast. But not only did Russell-I-Ate-An-Elder-Fairie die, it was at the hands of Eric. Before the title!
Good bye, Russell. We’ll miss your spine ripping ways.
Burlesque Fairy Show tried to unit their microwave finger powers against Russell, but his consumption of the elder rendered him immune to their powers. Sookie, who unwisely tried to rid herself of the only weapon she had to defend against vampires earlier in the season, found her light fingers kept crapping out on her. (While a bad call on her part, unlike most of her other ridiculous decisions, it made sense.)
What happened after Russell’s staking? Who knows! We don’t see them again.
Sam, Luna, Emma
Luna, at least, gets to put on clothes. Sam spends all of the episode totally naked, popping in and out of fly-form, until the point he’s wearing gore and organs. Uh, let’s get to that.
Bill is angry to discover Sam as his breakfast. For a moment, it looks like he might regret having to murder someone he knows, but New Bill can’t be bothered with things like guilt. Sam turns into a fly, which necessitates Lilith’s Chosen One leaping around the room like an idiot, until Sam flies into the ductwork.
Luna skinwalks her way into Reverend Newlin’s form, grabs Emma from her kennel, hides Fly Sam, and tries to make a quick getaway. Until she runs into Roz, who is the Best, and is on the losing end of a Roz chew-out. See, the military made good on their threat to release the video of all those frat boys getting mur-diddly-urdered, and now Steve needs to do damage control on the national news. Luna loses control of her Steve shape in the middle of the interview, wisely gets out the word about the Authority to the entire world, and then maybe dies. Maybe.
Sam the fly zooms into Roz’s mouth and transforms back into his human self, blowing Roz up.
Andy interrupts Holly’s Cajun margarita dance party to tell her about his knocked up fairy mistress, who does kooky things like eat salt. Fairies are weird! Not like us! Two seconds after dropping this bomb, Fairy Mistress’s light broke, and between you and me, I think the actress was a little embarrassed at having to utter that line.
And then she has to fake orgasm her way through birthing four three-month old babies. Then she takes off – but not before reminding Andy that only two of the babies need to reach adulthood.
Next season ““ Andy’s wacky parenthood adventures!
The Authority, Everyone Else
In the Authority, everyone dies. Kinda, in some cases.
Eric returns to the Authority with Nora, bringing Sookie, Jason, and Jessica along as fake hostages. His master plan, which does not include destroying Lilith’s blood, is to have Sookie appeal to Bill’s fading humanity. (Not explained – why Eric is concerned with Bill’s humanity after spending decades actively hating him. Is it because of that time they spooned in the trunk?)
Eric and Nora slaughter a metric shitton of guards and then squabble like children over who best knows how to shut down the bunker’s security system. Eric is back in fine form this episode – his sarcasm, the twinkle in his eye, the way he interacts with Sookie – he dominates every scene he’s in.
After Jason got hit with the Elder Fairie’s light ball, he wakes up with more of his parental hallucinations. Lucky for us, at no point in time does his mother offer him a BJ again, but both Ghost Stackhouses seem pretty keen for Jason to go on a vampire killing rampage. Down in the bunker, that’s exactly what Jason does. He kills any vamp not on his side and wrestles with murdering the ones that are. And he cold disses Jessica, which someone is even worse.
Sookie and Tara get Pam and Jessica out of their cells. Tara frenches Pam, and all my happiness at their weird mother-daughter bond goes out the window. It is canon that maker and child usually have sexual relationships, but I don’t buy a Tara-Pam romance, not after this season.
However, almost every injustice dealt to me by this season of the show is righted by the look Pam and Eric exchange at the elevator. Their entire relationship is contained in that one glance. Perfection.
So, that brings us to Bill.
Early in the episode, Bill tells Salome that Lilith has declared her the Chosen One. They play the horizontal mambo, they say pretty things to each other, and then Bill substitutes Lilith’s blood with blood loaded with silver. Salome – who, just hours ago he made love to while plotting to slaughter her, to emphasize how messed up this is – writhes in agony while Bill Evil Genius speeches her before staking her. Because he’s just the worst.
Eric and Sookie find Bill about to swallow down the goddess’s blood. Sookie gives it the old college try, seeking to appeal to a humanity that Bill has been pretending to have. Her big eyes fill with tears and her lips quiver, and she tells him he’s the best vampire she’s ever known. And Bill, who has been a manipulative power climber throughout the entire show slaps her with his great betrayal – for all she knows, he’s been lying to her from the beginning.
Then he drinks the blood.
Note that Eric protectively pulls Sookie behind him as things go bad – let’s revise who the best vampire you know is, OK, Sookie?
Lilith’s blood destroys Bill from the inside out, until he explodes in a true death puddle of goo. I screamed. They killed off a major character, I excitedly chattered at my bored husband. I threw my arms up in excitement. I”¦ was incredibly disappointed within seconds. Like Lilith formed herself from blood spilled on the group, Billith arises, the god reborn as Bill Fucking Compton, now covered with blood clots and sporting huge, primal fangs.
Sookie and Eric run.
And the rest
- Jane Bodehouse makes a welcome return. I tried to see if she was missing the finger she sacrificed to Dionysus a couple of seasons back but couldn’t tell ““ did anyone else notice?
- Lala finishes out the season with bon mots and drinks. Boo.
- Alcide resolves daddy issues, pack issues, lost shirt issues.
Season 5 bonus scene with spoilers for next year: