It’s the Lexus challenge this week on Project Runway! Sponsored by Lexus, which has a lot to do with fashion because of reasons. The designers would make a red carpet look for a very speshul event – the Emmys! The Lexus part of the Lexus challenge is that whichever Lexus color the designer was assigned would have to be Lexus worked into their Lexus dress. A Lexus suit told us all about the Lexus cars which featured Lexus Lexus Lexus.
The real Lexus kicker? They’d have to work in teams of two. [I was hoping they’d have to make dresses from bumpers and gear shifts. ~ed.] Head shake. Oh, team challenges: you are the anus of reality shows. Wait, sorry: Lexus anus. Elena said it best, “I don’t like to work with anyone. Who does?” Nobody, Elena. Everyone else besides me is terrible. And guess who their clients are? Past PR-ers! I give you the pairs and their clients, below in handy list form. Memorize this! There will be no quiz later.
Andrea and Christopher – Client: Anya Ayoung-Chee, winner, PR season 9
Sonjia and Nathan – Client: Valerie Mayen, participant (oh, that sounds terrible, doesn’t it?), PR season 8
Elena and Buffi – Client: Laura Bennett, finalist, PR season 3
Ven and Not-Fabio – Client: Kenley Collins, finalist and cat-thrower, PR season 5
Kooan and Gunnar – Client: Irina Shabayeva, winner, PR season 6
Dmitri and Melissa – Client: April Johnston, participant, PR season 8
Raul and Alicia – Client: Mila Hermanovski, finalist, PR season 7
The winners will get to accompany their client to the Emmys! Woooo. Oh, but what an adventure we have before us! Wait, I pronounced “adventure” wrong – I meant “train wreck of popcorn proportions.”
Designer and designer clients consulted. Kenley was obnoxious. She said she likes to think she’s young and cool and fresh and fabulous. I’m not certain she precisely knows what all those words mean. Not-Fabio said, “You can tell she’s a little bit difficult.” Diplomatic, that Not-Fabio.
At Mood, Gunnar said, “When it comes to fashion, I’m kind of a controlling bitch.” Oh, Gunnar, don’t sell yourself short. I’m sure you’re a controlling bitch in other areas of your life, too. He expressed doubt that Kooan had even ever seen the Emmys. I’m not sure of the whys of that dig, but they are ugly, I can tell you that. Gross, Gunnar. You are literally the worst. Does he think that Japanese people don’t have TVs? OR CARE ABOUT FASHION?
And then the Mood doggy ran by and my rage diminished somewhat.
The little designers got busy in the workroom, arguing with each other mostly politely here, playing with some truly heinous gold sequin fabric there. Typical day.
Christopher reminded us why we should all be Team C: He loved working with Alicia and respected her seniority. He went on to add that he could learn something from everyone in the competition. That was so nice to see. Reality TV rewards nothing like meanness, so it’s refreshing to see the opposite. He did get frustrated at her snail’s pace, though. But he didn’t know how to say anything to her. Their dynamic was funny, descending into her laughing about her screw-ups, and Christopher silently expressing outrage behind her where she couldn’t see.
Alicia said that she’d never made a gown before. Elena moaned that she should have taken an evening wear class. I have to tell you – once I got cast on Project Runway, wherein I know I’ll have to design a gown or eight, I would have definitely made some practice evening dresses before I got there. It’s like those people who go on Survivor and say, “What is this deserted island? And I didn’t know I’d have to make fire!”
Terrible Gunnar (shall we make him “Terrible” every time from now on? Let’s!) didn’t like his designer Irina – no, not at all. She was “difficult” with her “opinions” about his “questionable design.” Chevrons going down the hips? In white? She’s doing to look like a reflective highway divider line. Terrible Gunnar confessed that he’d never wanted Irina – he wanted Kenley. There must be a God, for He did not create that pair and therefore we didn’t all spontaneously eyeroll ourselves to death. Praise be. Kooan said that the dress and Irina made him sad and not want to work. I think the dress made Irina sad, too, Kooan. It made me sad.
Mila crapped all over Raul and Alicia’s red and black pseudo-animal print. Not literally. But she did call it “daytime” (ouch!) and left them puzzled as to what to do next. Raul said if he had a choice, he’d keep the fabric. Mila, in response, proved to have an excellent bitch face.
I have to apologize for my gold sequin bashing up above, for it was revealed that Sonjia and Nathan were behind the sequins, and damn if they didn’t turn what ought to have been awful into the makings of a gorgeous gown for client Valerie.
Elena and Buffi got along like a opposing presidential candidates. Elena hated Buffi’s easygoing vibe and slow pace and freaked out a bit at the ambitious nature of their dress. Christopher remarked that Elena sometimes acts like she was raised in the woods. “She’s ravenous and she will bite your head off.” Elena said you have to be strong where she’s from, the Ukraine. The weak ones don’t survive. Yes, Elena was the Hunger Games winning tribute from District Badass a few years ago.
The guest judge was Krysten Ritter, star of Don’t Trust the B in Apartment 23, which is a hi-larious show and she’s cute as a button.
What hath Buffi and Elena wrought? Poor Laura looked like a mumsy crow in her black-atop-pink pleated gown. It was like Wednesday Addams’ middle age. Hated the cap sleeves; hated the neckline; hated the high, bunchy waist.
Chris and Andrea sent Anya down the runway in a flowing piece of poop. They used brown because their car was brown, but why use it for the whole thing? The gold belt was too high, giving her frumpy monoboob. The slit was way too high, making the bottom half of the dress’ proportion awful. Plus, it was in the middle, so we got to play a game of coochie lookie-loo. This plopped into the bottom two. Christopher was mortified. Nina called it dated and cliched. Krysten called it a drug store Halloween costume. Yowza! The judges were super disappointed. The team fell apart on the runway, bickering about who did what and how bad it was.
Sonjia hit Ven and Not-Fabio’s dress on the head when she called it “church.” This was not an evening gown. Yes, I get that they wanted to give Kenley the silhouette she loves, but y’all, they did have fancy dresses back in the ’50s. They were not limited to this. The pleating was pretty and the construction like a dream, but the color was not ideal. I understand wanting to give your cocktail dress the crisp gravitas of navy blue when it’s pretending to be an Emmy dress, but it seemed, again, mumsy. WHY IS EVERYONE BEING SO MOTHER OF THE BRIDE TODAY? This cocktail dress made the top two. No, really. No, really. The judges said it looked expensive. Nina said she loved the length, but Krysten said it bored her a little. Kors said it wouldn’t be a wow dress on the red carpet (understatement), but he’s so in love with Ven’s aesthetic that he practically licked it.
Oh, thank you Melissa and Dmitry – April did not look on her way to a funeral at the nursing home! I liked this one. It wasn’t perfect (they perpetrated a crime against her boobs), but it was young, interesting, and it matched April. The handling of that impossible silk is something to be applauded – she rippled like a river in winter. The back was truly gorgeous. The open back is probably why the poor lady couldn’t wear a bra, but did no one have stick-ons for her? For shame!
Raul and Alicia. Raul and Alicia! This was terrible. Weird bodice, average design. And again: WEIRD BOOBS BECAUSE NO BRA. Look, designer friends. Women who aren’t models might have on average slightly larger breasts. PLEASE PLAN ACCORDINGLY FOR TITTIES’ SAKE! Bottom two for this concoction. Mila felt that it was unflattering. The judges asked them why they didn’t do menswear, since that was where both of their strengths lay. They said they felt like that had to made a gown. Heidi said it had zero sex appeal. And apparently Raul was behind the atrocious hair extension/horse tail they forced onto poor Mila.
Terrible Gunnar and Kooan’s Irina escaped from the pages of Brides, Irritated. It did have a bit of an old Hollywood vibe to it, and, frankly, after the messes that came before it, seemed pretty good by comparison. That sash saved their asses, though, covering up that wibbly center back seam. This made the top two. Not Sonjia and Nathan’s. Not Melissa and Dmitry’s. This one. The Real Housewives dress. The “prom for the middle aged/pageant” dress. I frowned harder the more I squinted at it. The judges enjoyed the silhouette and Heidi and Krysten said of the two top dresses, they’d both rather wear this one.
What’s that we have here? Oh, it’s an EMMY DRESS! Valerie looked like Lady Oscar shimmering her way down the runway in gold, gold, gold, courtesy of Sonjia and Nathan. And damn – look it it on her, against her lovely skin. It compliments her, but she wears it. Gorgeous! Not the most groundbreaking design ever, but even my husband said, “Wow, it’s actually event-appropriate!”
The winner should be no surprise: Ven and Not-Fabio’s design. Ven was declared the top dog, and would be punished by having to go to the Emmys with Kenley.
Performing the loser shuffle was Raul, chopped for having begun the design that led to the terror that were Mila’s boobs.
But there was DRAMA! Right at the END! Andrea has (apparently) walked out of the show in the dead of night.
DUN DUN DUN TO BE CONTINUED…