I have barely recovered from the last episode of Project Runway, blog friends, in which Shitgobbler Ven made my head hurt with his assholishness and terrible design. What new shitgobbling will Shitgobbler do for us this week, in his performance art piece entitled I Spew the Shit I’ve Eaten, and Also Fold Fabric Into Flowers?
Sonjia started off this episode with a truth bomb: Men design clothes that they want women to wear; women design clothes that women actually really want to wear. BOOM. I don’t know about you, but I get damn tired of being told what to wear and what not to wear by men (among other things). Tim Gunn is allowed – everyone else can shut their yaps.
The ladies decided together that they should think about sabotaging the chiffonies – I am ALL about that. Sisterhood of the Clothes with Bras forever!
The designers shuffled themselves to Fifth Avenue, where the beautiful people buy things for their pinky toe that cost the equivalent of my car. They ended up outside the flagship store for Lord and Taylor. Nine mannequins featuring a design from each season of Project Runway were on display – the challenge was to design an evening or cocktail look that fit in with the displayed dresses, for this collection of nine looks will be manufactured and sold by Lord and Taylor. Hooray! Unless the winner is Shitgobbler Ven, in which case I won’t spend any of my imaginary money there. Take that, no one!
The dress manufacture company supplied the designers with their fabric and notions, and they were told to keep costs in mind when sketching. It’ll be sold at a price point of $200-300.
Despite the fact that three out of the nine Lord and Taylor dresses were already black, it seemed like most designers headed straight for that same damn color. Ugh. There is a whole rainbow of colors out there! If you can only make black garments, you are tired and unimaginative. You are not designing for Voldemort! Or if you must make an evil dress, think of Dolores Umbridge and try pink!
Shitgobbler Ven sketched a fitted cocktail sheath with a folded rose at the boobs. How unusual. At least he gets to design for a rail-thin model this time. His dress might be shown on his ideal customer – a plastic mannequin! That’s a lady who doesn’t have opinions or the need to eat. He imparted more wisdom to us! Hallelujah! What can we learn from Papa Shitgobbler today? “I think men are usually stronger designers, while women are a little more practical.” So women are number crunchers, while the brainy men make the art. This from the asspile who’d just gotten done telling us all about how he knew the practicalities of designing for a manufacturer on a budget. Hahahahahahahaa DRINK.
Christopher stuck to his tried and true, layering fairy dust chiffon over angel wing lady fabric and then shredding it. It’s a technique he’d used at least twice before, but if the judges say something, I hope he just points to Shitgobbler Asspile, who has yet to make more than one design.
Alicia made a black, box-pleat dress that Tim called “Joan of Arc.” She liked that comparison, noting that it was better than making a princess dress. Fuck, yeah. Bitches need armor, too, if only to protect them from the sexist bile spewing from Shitgobbler Asspile’s mouth.
Elena got very emotional when trying to reconcile her complicated, edgy aesthetic to the more streamlined Lord and Taylor look. She didn’t understand why she keeps getting stuck in the middle of the pack. Maybe because many women don’t want to look like they play for the Zombie Dallas Cowboys? But what do I know, I’m just a woman, full of practicalities. I keep them in my vagina for easy access! Not-So-Terrible Gunnar advised her to not let them know she has a heart, and totes cheered her up. The villain of this piece is being recast before my eyes via editing and I don’t know what to think anymore!
Melissa chose a black brocade which showed every seam of her high-neck cocktail dress. She fretted over it and fretted over it. Seems to me that if you are stuck with a fabric that shows seams, make cool seams that work for you. But no one asked me and my Chamber of Practicalities.
Sonjia and Elena had to practically take a tub of butter to a model to get Sonjia’s dress on her; poor Sonjia sobbed on one of the workroom tables in frustration. This made me sad. There, there, Sonjia. I am pat you on the head. Do no cry! Melissa made with the tears, too. It’s all Lord’s fault, and, to a lesser extent, Taylor’s. Tim told Sonjia to, “Channel your inner winner.” I need that on a throw pillow, STAT!
So let us see the show of all these tear-stained black dresses, shall we? Bonnie Brooks, president of Lord and Taylor, was the guest judge.
Fabio made a little black dress. No sleeves, asymmetrical hemline. If it had more features, they were obscured by his choice of black. It had a sheer black overlay of stretch tulle over stretch crepe, and there was a touch of interest on the back, with an X cutout revealing the shoulder blades and a visible zipper. On the whole: this is it? Heidi called it versatile. Kors said he handled the asymmetrical hem in a way that would make women want to try this sometimes-gimmickey feature.
Melissa made a little black dress. No sleeves, asymmetrical hemline. This one at least shimmered bronze in the lights. Fit was gorgeous – va va voom curves upped the ante. I loved the neckline and couldn’t really see that seam across her collarbone. However, up close you could tell it was a slanted seam now, just like I told her to do! Ain’t I smart? It echoed the hemline, which was dramatic and longer in the back. This veered into gown territory and I liked it a lot. At judging, it turns out this dress actually was bronze, not black. Hooray! Kors said it was a great way to achieve a dark glamour. He loved the neckline, but thought the hem was too much. Heidi called it a stunning showstopper.
Not-So-Terrible Gunnar made a little black dress. It had sleeves! What a refreshing change! There were many, many matte sequins, and a lace overlay covering and playing peek-a-boo with the shoulders. It was pretty, but again – so safe! The fit, however, was a freaking dream. This was one of the two low-scoring dresses. Nina called it expected, and said she’d seen it before and didn’t need to see it again. Kors said it turned a little mother of the bride with the sheer bodice.
Elena made a little black dress. No sleeves. But wait! It was a LBD that could beat up all the other LBDs and steal their boyfriends to go out back and smoke weed with the help. It almost looked like a shiny leather harness atop a black cocktail dress with a poofy skirt. I totally dug it. Not leather, though – a shiny, scaly-looking textured pattern. It was both tough and demure – a neat combination. Elena was relieved to hear she had one the the higher scores, and I was glad, too. She took an actual chance in this field of safe-players, and I’m happy to see that rewarded. Heidi called it a very sellable dress – hard but girly, flirty and fun. Nina pointed out that the back, with its layers and cutouts, was gorgeous. Bonnie called it French and fun. Kors called it a ying/yang of “she’s nice, but she’s nasty.”
a little black dress a gown! With a long, black skirt. BUT! It was topped by a ballerina-pink, shredded bodice (like he does). Simple lines emphasized the workmanship on the bodice, which was lovely. I could easily see this one in the collection. It was a trifle “politician’s wife” for me, but pretty, nonetheless. This one featured a cutout for the shoulder blades, too. I think all these designers were frightened by a bra in their childhoods. The judges enjoyed this one. Heidi liked the pink/pasty White lady tone. Nina said it wouldn’t work on many people (i.e. not pasty White ladies perhaps?) The judges told him to stop with the shredding, already, even though it’s gorgeous.
Alicia made a little black dress. No sleeves. This was one of my favorites of the copy-cat dresses so far, though. The drop-waist was a refreshing change, as were the pop-collar neckline and the giant box pleat on the skirt in front and back. These little touches of tailoring made it stand out. There were some wibbly seams, however, that marred the effect. This was one of the two lower scores. Heidi thought it perfectly fine, with minor changes. Bonnie said it was too work-a-day. Nina called it the terrifying “dowdy.” Kors said it was “Amish,” and neither sporty or dressy enough.
Sonjia made a little black dress. No sleeves, asymmetrical hem (a touch longer in back). The star feature of this one was the gunmetal grey peplum over both hips, which I loved. J’adore peplums! It saved the dress, which was a bland affair of scoop neck and straight skirt, although the brocade fabric was a nice choice to add interest. The hemline echoed the curve of the peplum – another good choice.
Shitgobbler Asspile Ven made a little black dress. No sleeves. I hated this, and not just because I hate him. He did that flower rose thing in the dead center of her breast bone, and frankly, it looked like she had an alien poking through her bones, and his layers of fabric were springing apart to accommodate it. The rest was a plain old sheath dress. Shitgobbler is a one way monkey. ‘Nuff said. He was SAFE for this shit. Does this guy pay Kors under the table in self tanner or something? What the hell?
Dmitry did not make a little black dress. It did, however, have no sleeves and an asymmetrical hem. He made a little glittery, gunmetal grey dress, in a tight, sexily-cut sheath. He achieved the fit, however, through a series of vertical seams running up and down the entire front, coming to an X in the center. Gorgeous. Expensive-looking. This is one I actually wanted to wear.
Shreddy McPink won the challenge! (That’s Christopher). Not surprising in the least. Notice, he was the only one with a pop of color, even if the color was pasty White lady.
Alicia was safe, meaning Not-So-Terrible Gunnar was eliminated.
BUT NO! HAHAHAHAHAHA THAT WAS MY FAKE OUT.
NSTG is still in the competition because the judges felt that all the designers met the bar for this challenge. (And also because they had two people quit and needed to fill out some episodes. They didn’t say that, but I do.)
No losers this week! Everyone wins! Just some more than others. USA! USA!