I use some version of my name and my photo everywhere I connect online, even at the right-wing blog where everyone hates me even though I am polite. Especially there. Not being anonymous reminds me not to be rude, but I’m still tempted. Here are some of the things I would do if I were way more annoying.
Post fake housekeeping tips on Pinterest. “Got ants? Set out a shallow dish of glitter overnight. NO MORE ANTS.” “This really works, you guys! If you have a stain on upholstery, rubbing half an onion on it will get it right out.”
Claim to be an expert or professional in several different fields. “As an engineer at an oil refinery, I can tell you that”¦” “I work for a major lobbying group in DC, and in my experience”¦” “I’ve been performing breast augmentation surgery for years, and what people don’t realize is”¦” Act indignant when anyone questions my veracity.
Ask people who thank God for personally intervening in the minute details of their lives why He doesn’t help other people. Really, I would never, ever do this. Life is tough, and if believing God set up your job interview or made sure the sun shone on your birthday makes you feel better, I’m not going to bother you. I’m honestly curious, though, how someone who believes this explains famine or childhood disease. If God really controls things, He needs to sort out his priorities. I believe in God, but as a force of love and creativity that everyone can tap into, if that makes sense, which it probably doesn’t.
Tell those “motivational” fitness graphics on Pinterest to stop yelling at me. Why do they all have to sound like the mean army sergeants in movies? They say things like, “Unless you throw up, pass out, and die, KEEP GOING.” Really? I wish they were more like, “Do something healthy for yourself today! You deserve it, you delightful creature, you!” And instead of a black and white photo of some model’s six-pack, there could be drawings of rainbows and butterflies.
When someone shares an obnoxious political opinion, act as though they are engaging in brilliant satire. “HAHAHA! Good one! I swear some people really think that way!”
Learn how to hack and start a tumblr revealing the identities of anonymous Internet bullies. This is probably actually a bad idea that would result in even worse counter-bullying, plus it would be a lot of work and would possibly involve things like proxy servers or fake mustaches.
Treat Facebook like tumblr. Whine about giving up alcohol, use the word “fuck” constantly, post endless pics from Supernatural and Doctor Who and compromising photos of myself, etc. Everyone can get to know the real me! I won’t do this, because I think they might unfriend, disown, or fire the real me.
Which brings me to this last one: Tell that person on Facebook to stop posting her poems every day. God, we get it. You’re writing a lot of poetry. What do you want, a cookie? But there’s no point, because that person is me, and I never listen to anyone anyway.