The Should And The Did: Internet Porn Emotions

Q. I caught my husband frequenting an online stripper website. I’m not as upset about this as society tells me I should be, so I feel like I should be more upset. What should I do?

A. Emotions are funny little creatures, my dear wifey. I understand them far less than I understand, say, sex or rock-n-roll. However, here is what I can say with absolute certainty: what you feel, is just. Odd sentence, right? What it boils down to is this: our emotions, for whatever reason, are absolutely just, within reasons. We, as simple, human creatures, part monkey and part cerebral evolution, do have an absolute right to feel whatever we feel. You can’t tell people to feel or not feel a certain way, you know? Now, how this translates into conversation, experience, partnership, everyday life, is something of a complication, a formula that involves your own personal theater, context, and the “truth” of the matter. See – I told you it gets complicated.

Nonetheless, the way we feel is only defined by us. Funny confession time: this advice columnist is obsessed with other advice columnists, self-help how-tos, and motivational catch phrases. Can you tell I’ve been to therapy once or twice?  So you won’t be surprised by this little bit of advice , which comes from Life in Motion Coaches, the life coaching website of Jana Beutler-Holland, M.Ed. Life coaches? I thought we were talking about online websites? Hush child, we’re getting there. Beutler-Holland has the following quote listed on her website, whcih I think applies a great deal to your current situation:

The truth is that nobody forces you to think, feel, or behave a certain way. While you may be ostracized by society or even punished if you don’t follow certain rules, still nobody else can “make” you do or feel anything. You are not a victim to people or circumstances. This is not to say that you can control all situations, certainly you cannot. But you alone are responsible for your thoughts, emotions, and actions in relation to that situation.

Smart little diddie, right? So here’s what I think. First off, I think articles like this are way more harmful then helpful. Second, I think people are visual creatures. We like looking at other people, especially if those people are naked and potentially doing hot things. This, and the nakedness/hot things, may vary. I think that porn, in general, is relatively harmless to those who understand it as just entertainment of the sexual variety, and not as a guidebook on how people, especially women, should look or act during sex. Presenting a fantasy, which is what porn does, really well, takes a lot of finagling, a lot of lights, and a lot of glitter porn magic. Sure, okay, there is amateur porn, yeah, yeah. But for the most part, most of the porn that’s out there (and, to boot, does an online stripper site, count as porn? What actually defines porn?) is an industry that is well-managed and geared towards tantalizing for financial gain. Fantasy and real life, even though they may intersect, are very different, and I think, with the vast amount of logic-minded folks, distinguishable. Lastly, this is your husband. You married the guy! You decided to say, hey fuck it, let’s try and make this living, loving life thing happen. If the absolute worst thing that could happen to a couple is that maybe one of them looks at Internet porn, well”¦ let’s say my hopes aren’t very sparkly. Can you feel like it’s a big deal? Yeah, sure, again, no one can tell you how to feel. However, context and “truth” of the matter can also be of huge service. Let’s say you were upset. Why? Does Internet porn count as cheating? What about your husband looking at other women bothers you? Do you think that his looking at porn lessens the way he feels about you? How do you feel looking at porn? Have you ever looked at porn? Have you ever looked at porn, masturbated, and then still loved your husband and still wanted to have sex with him? Do you want to watch porn together, or is it something you would both rather have as some “me” time?

There are questions to ask, if you want to ask those questions.

Sometimes, people react to porn because it may feel like you, as a partner, are not doing something right or that your partner is doing something wrong. However, as the all-over interesting, kind of problematic/hotly debated, yet all straight data read A Billion Wicked Thoughts: What The World’s Largest Experiment Reveals About Human Desire highlights is that our desires can really translate very fluidly, especially once they are taken to the realm of the Internet. This obviously differs even more, from person to person, and especially in relationships. “People tend to react to unfamiliar sexual interests with fear, hostility, self-righteousness, or by dismissing them as mere curiosity…” say authors Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam. “This seems to reflect a basic truth about human nature: we generally tend to think our own interests are natural, normal, and widely-shared, and that others’ interests are deviant, dangerous, or disorders.” So perhaps this is where the Internet porn dilemma comes from. We, as woman, who have grown up in a patriarchal society, have not only had some boots crushed on our little necks, but then presented with fantasy as expectation, perfection as necessity, and consumption of images of desire as something that is not meant for us, yet using us. So yeah, many women have a tricky relationship with porn. However, I offer this advice: fuck the patriarchy, do what you want. Feel what you want. Which I think you already have.

So, what to do with the naysayers, the little wormers, society with a capital S, who seem to be whispering sweet messages into your ear, that this is an offense to be taken seriously? Meh, fuck ’em. It doesn’t have to be an all-out battle, but opinions are like assholes, and everyone and their mom has one. But you, dear wifey, have your answer already, even as I have rabbled on about emotions, choice, patriarchy, and the Internet. Don’t worry about what society tells you to do. Society is like that drunk uncle at every holiday function who is a nice guy, but god, he can just be a righteous rambler and thinks he knows it all because he watches Dateline. You have to decide what’s best for you, and also, what’s the best way to treat your husband for doing something that’s pretty normal, and not just normal on a “boys will be boys” BS level, but on a “human to human” level. So my kitten, I say, brush off the “should do” and just do you. You will be happier in the end.

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