This OT is Rocking Out to Some Muzak Gold

Well, you guys, a lot has happened since since the last open thread.  I’m sorry that I didn’t get a chance to say thank you to the Persephoneers who replied to my last post, as I needed to decompress any way that I can.  Plus, I was running around a lot for the first time in a long time over the weekend.  So, this is gonna be a long one.  In no particular order ,except in Hemingway-esque Stream-of-Consciousness style, I present to you what happened over the weekend:

1) The Artist Formerly Known as My Ex-BF called again on Monday, basically to talk about mundane details of his life and for me to talk about mine. At the end, he asked what I was doing this upcoming weekend. HA! I replied. The only thing that I would be interested in doing is scoring some tickets for the Made in America festival through radio contests. Seeing that I am unemployed, it’s probably going to be nothing of significance. He then asked if I wanted to hang out with him next week, and I said “Sure”, since I saw no harm in seeing him. I am also curious about his motivation, as I am not interested in changing my position (see: Tay Tay Swift’s new song). Unless, of course, he makes significant changes to his behavior, and I need more time. Of course, I am not asking him to change who he is, because that just sounds downright cruel. However, I do not do well in a relationship where there isn’t much communication going on, with an impulsive person (ex: We go to a party, I wind up stuck there because he’s had 10 beers and is just hanging out with other people. All that, while I fend for myself). As you’ve seen in my previous posts, I am not some wilting damsel waiting for someone to be up my ass the entire time, but I don’t think that the way he sees affection is the way I see affection. If/when we hang out, I plan on laying what I’ve just said above to him. If he doesn’t want to hear it, then it’s over. Please comment or advise.

2) I talked to my former college professor-turned-mentor about this whole breakup thing (she knows us both through projects that she has going. We are on two separate projects). Her response: give him another chance, because the former BF’s behaviors are what makes him, well, the former BF (My response? Boston Red Sox fans: Remember “Manny being Manny”? Remember how well that ended for The Red Sox?). She also added: What’s wrong with having the former BF go out with you for drinks for a while until he realizes that he’s madly in love with you and needs to be with you forever and ever? I was so surprised by her response that I blurted out, “What the hell is this? A movie starring Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts? Yeah, I would pay to see a movie like that, but I don’t EVER want to be in a movie like that.” Before I go any further: I had this conversation with her before I said “Yes” to seeing him. Maybe she guilted me into seeing him? Please help. I am confused as why she sees so much in him, when in 1.5 years, I know what I have seen from him – but the bad patterns are things that I do not want in my life right now…..or ever. Why is she encouraging this? But I will say this much, though, that this woman’s got my personality down pat, down to the part where she knows that a) I am touchy-feely (and former BF is not quite so), and I like someone who is willing to intellectually spar with me without resorting to mean and petty comments (The former was something that the former BF wasn’t always willing to do, and the latter is one of the many reasons why we’re broken up); c)  I am not above breaking social contracts to shut shit down (She was telling a story about another student and she was telling him, “If someone takes a stick and hits you, you smile because that’ll confuse them and stop the situation”. To that I replied, “No, my way of learning has been that if someone took a stick and hit me, I find a bigger stick, hide behind a corner to wait for that motherfucker, and then whack the living shit out of them as they round the corner.”  She disagreed with my opinion, but I’m sorry, that was what I learned as someone who’s been perceived as vulnerable for a good chunk of my life.  Sometimes, swift actions are the only ways to teach someone that should know better.  So, it really takes someone who’s very secure in himself/herself to be with me, but I know that I am very generous in a relationship.  But still, whatever happened to encouraging me to be happy and shit?

3) I MET A BOY!!!!!!!!! On one hand, I’m thinking, wow, already? It’s only been, like, four days between the breakup and meeting him. On the other hand, I’m thinking that yeah, I’ve still got it! This took place on Saturday night, when a college friend who I recently became close with after she moved near my house to go to grad school invited me to go out with her because she knew that I was probably in the dumps (I was, and my body is feeling being in the dumps now). The “party”/bar-hopping event consisted mostly of her boyfriend’s friends, and his best friend throughout high school, life post-HS, and present was there. The first thing I learned was that the best friend is a recently single army medic who’s about to be deployed to Afghanistan sometime within the foreseeable future (probably in a matter of months, but I don’t remember the specifics). I don’t think we’d even talked yet when I was already there for a good half an hour or so before my friend went outside to ask him what he thought of me. Apparently, Army Medic remembers me from her last party that the both of us attended around Christmas of last year. I didn’t even know that he existed until this past Saturday night.
She came back in to tell me that he said that he thought that I was really pretty and I was exactly his type. Of course, in that moment, I just thought she was really stretching it from something fairly innocuous that he said (It wasn’t. He really said that.  WHAAAA?  It took me a second to take it in, as I never really had anyone be instantly smitten with me before). We talked little bit, and he’s totally displaying the classic signs that he’s into me (sitting a little too close without making me uncomfortable, really trying to start conversations with me and pay attention to me without being uncomfortable-awkward). So, at the bar crawl, one of the douchier bro-friend picks up a girl that I wanted to pick up (I’m queer, y’all), but I let her go with him because I knew it wasn’t going to work out and generally not worth my time. The fact that I’ve known that I’m queer is something I’ve been struggling with for a really long time (but everyone around me that knows is supportive), but it was news to my friend (for some reason or another, the topic never really came up until Saturday night, so I had no reason to talk about it with her) and the group. So, Army Medic got dejected, thinking that I wasn’t interested in him because he was male. But I remembered holding hands with him, drunkenly singing “Elephant Love Medley” from Moulin Rouge, in perfect harmony to his-good college-try voice. C’mon, I don’t think there was any irony that people who are kinda-sorta attracted to each other are singing that song.

[DISCLAIMER, BEFORE YOU GO FURTHER: When I’m drunk, I like to sing, y’all, because it takes away the stage fright that came with a long-standing trauma. I haven’t done it in about six years until recently, due to losing a very musically gifted grandfather who *really* understood me, and another grandfather who also *really* understood me. I was never allowed to mourn properly like the rest of my families, as I live on the other side of the world from the musically gifted grandfather. The other grandfather was because, at the time, of my adoptive immediate family going through a very nasty divorce, and I felt awkward showing up to his viewing because of my adoptive Dad’s family being there. They weren’t very fond of my mom for good reasons (She has a major personality disorder that she has repeated said that she does not need treatment, and proceeds to treat people who she perceives to be beneath her like shit, including my adoptive Dad and some of his relatives by talking major shit behind their back. Since then, the adoptive relatives have kind of treated me cautiously as an acquaintance, where I would never really be isolated, but I would never really be invited to get-togethers with them, either. Of course, that’s another story for another day, right?]

Anyway, I thought we had a connection there, but I guess the miscommunication about who I was interested in really took hold. When we got back to her house, Army Medic and I started talking, and he asked me why I thought that there was a difference I thought I deserve in a relationship versus what I actually wanted, and I just stood there and looked at him, and he changed the subject (Tough city girls don’t talk about feelings the first time they meet someone, yo). My assessment: His Nice Guy (TM)-ish personality/act is not coming from a bad place, but I just don’t think he realizes that’s a red flag for some people. It seems that he has a saving-people mentality as part of a saving himself thing (as an army medic and EMT, that makes sense), as he’s got family issues of his own. We seem to have a lot of stuff in common, even if our core values aren’t exactly the same. Since then, my friend has clarified the situation to him, and some kind of a no-pressure double date has been set up. I have offered to bring over my Xbox Kinect and Dance Central 3 as a way to break the ice. So, we’ll see?

4) Anyway, Persephoneers, my psyche and my body are overwhelmed at the recent development (if recent anxiety attacks have been telling me). I don’t feel like I know what I want. I am still unemployed. I still have issues I need to work out. I barely know what I want for dinner tomorrow. Any help by way of comment and responses to my questions are much appreciated.