When Wanting Ass Might Make You an Ass

Q. I want to start having anal sex with my wife. She is scared of trying it. What can I do to help her over her fears? She is afraid of the pain”¦

A. My anal sex-desiring friend, there is something that strikes me a bit about your question. It starts out with “I want to have anal sex with my wife.” It then scurries into what sounds like her not being into it. In no place do you mention, “Well, she wants to try it, but she is scared of x,y, and z,” or “We want to try it, but she are scared and I want her to enjoy it.” Hell, not even a “How can I make it more enjoyable?” It’s just, “She is scared of trying it, she is afraid of the pain,” and you, my good chap, seem to have a vested interest in getting her over that.

I’ve meditated on your question for a while. Part of me wants to think that you are a pretty decent dude, who loves his partner and may have just, in his haste to find knowledge on the Internet, mis-worded your question. However, the woman that I am, the one who has had anal sex, in situations that have ranged from super enthusiastic and consensual, to damn well having my arm twisted out of fear of losing a partner or feeling like I had to, thinks you need a fucking reality check.

So let’s pause for a quick timeout before this goes anywhere we can’t go back from.


Bringing more than one person into sex usually complicates things; that’s the beauty of masturbation, right? It’s all about you, a completely indulgent form of fantasy and sexual pleasure that only abdicates that you make yourself feel good. It would be an amazing act of the universe if we, as people, were always on the same page as our sexual partners in our wants, our needs, and our desires. But, like the oftentimes complicated reality of our lives, that is nearly not ever the case. As people, even when we are on the same page, there will always be things we just can’t come to exact terms with – sometimes one partner is tired, the other isn’t. One feels like only having oral, the other wants penetration. We aren’t always going to be on the same page because we aren’t the same people. While many folks, including this writer, have feelings about sex advice columnist Dan Savage, I will say that one of the best things I ever took away from him was the idea of partners being “GGG” – good, giving, and game.

Specifically, the idea at its core is this: as partners, however you define yourselves, you are responsible in giving equal time, respect, and pleasure, and game for anything – within reason, and with honest communication. As partners, we want to be able to satisfy and be satisfied. But we are different people, so this may hit bumps and curves. However, here is my golden rule: you can’t convince anyone to do anything in regards to sex. Once you have felt like you have to “convince” someone to do anything, you have effectively negated their autonomy as a sexual partner, by displacing their needs in place of yours. If you have to convince someone or help someone “get over” a fear of doing something, there might be a serious power play issue at hand, and you may be holding the upper card. And not in the fun, sexy, Foucault way.

Have you asked why she is afraid of anal sex? Have you asked yourself why do you want to have anal sex? Have you asked why she thinks it will be so painful and if she perhaps has an experience that backs that up? I have more questions for you than anything – it’s hard for me to gauge the complexities that your situation may have. Maybe you both have talked about having sex and your partner has a fear of pain. Maybe your partner had a serious traumatic experience with anal or maybe your partner just saw some shitty porn that made anal sex look about as unappealing as possible (I know I have seen my fair share that has turned me seriously off the idea”¦). Maybe you two are having a running, thoughtful conversation that makes you think, this is the worst goddamn advice column ever. Maybe you are just being a dick and trying to find a way to justify why she should let you fuck her in the ass.

I don’t know.

So here is what do I suggest to you, an act in two parts, dear anal sex-wanting peep. My first thought is this: get fucked in the ass. As someone who seems to be pushing for anal sex, perhaps a little too eagerly, I have a slight instinct that you have never been on the receiving end of anal penetration. So get fucked in the ass. If your first thought is “No!” or “That seems painful” or “I don’t want to get fucked in the ass,” then well, I think you need to shut the hell up for a moment, back off your partner, and maybe realize that you are setting up a power struggle that isn’t entirely fair. Why if you are not as eager to be fucked in the ass, must she be? Why is it so imperative for you to be the one fucking an ass and not the person getting fucked in the ass? While I hate to assume, you have left me assuming that there is a certain amount of expectation that you have set upon the shoulders of your partner and while you are 100% raring to go, you seem more ready to convince your partner out of hesitance than say, digging a bit deeper.

My second, less action-oriented suggestion would be to talk about this and hear your partner out. Like really hear her out. Then talk about what you want. Is there common ground? Can there be room for both your wants? If yes, than I have the greatest of hope for your situation, all things aside. And that’s what I want the most – the hope that this private little dance you two are doing, is one of mutual consent, pleasure, and new exploration. However, if it isn’t, then it’s time to look at the situation. Can you live without anal sex? Do you feel like someone owes you a sexual deed? Will your partner feel respected? Will she enjoy it? What are you going to do to ensure that while you are enjoying yourself, that she is as well? Will you not be resentful if you don’t have anal sex?  Will you need to get it elsewhere? These are all questions that need to be answered and if they can’t be answered in a space where everyone is equal on the playing field of conversation, then, I think there might be some deeper topics y’all need to discuss.



Got a ques­tion to ask, sub­ject you’d like us to discuss, or myth you’d like us to bust? Keep “˜em com­ing! (Lord.Have.And.Mercy.) You can send us an anony­mous mes­sage via the Ask Us! fea­ture here. We promise we don’t bite (unless you’re into that type of thing”¦)

7 replies on “When Wanting Ass Might Make You an Ass”

I know a lot of ladies on here don’t like Dan Savage, but this is right in line with advice he’s given on this subject.

Honestly, this guy should make sure that his partner is getting pleasured regularly. If she is fully satisfied, she may be more open to other things. The letter gave me the impression that he may be a bit selfish during sex. I had a selfish partner try to convince me to have anal before– he wasn’t very convincing. Needless to say, I had no desire to do that with him. Now I have a giving partner, and I WANT to do more things for him in return for his sexual generosity. It might be hard to become more generous and thoughtful in bed if you’ve been focusing mainly on yourself for years, but people can change if they work on it hard enough.

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