Linotte Reads “Fifty Shades of Grey”: Chapter Twenty-three

Happy Friday, Persephoneers! So here is a Super-Duper-Speshul Friday Fifty Shades of Grey recap. We’re now on Chapter Twenty-three and at a very interesting point in the book. Without giving away too much, away we go, and we’ll leave you a little something to think about over the weekend.

“˜Ana, what is it? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.’
“˜It’s Christian, he’s here.’

No, it’s his crisis apparition.

I see him. My heart leaps, beginning a juddering thumping beat as he makes his way toward us. He’s really here ““ for me. My inner goddess leaps up cheering from a chaise longue.

Woman sitting awkwardly on floor in front of a couch
And then she tripped on her own feet and fell over. How embarrassing, Ana’s inner goddess! You should be ashamed!


My mother’s lower jaw practically hits the table. Jeez, get a grip Mom. She takes his proffered hand and they shake. My mother hasn’t replied. Oh, complete dumbfounded speechlessness is genetic ““ I had no idea.


Eile E Coyote with his jaw dropped all the way to the ground
Ana’s mom at this moment. And what a long jaw it is!

“˜I’ll have a gin and tonic,’ Christian says. “˜Hendricks if you have it or Bombay Sapphire. Cucumber with the Hendricks, lime with the Bombay.’
Holy hell”¦ only Christian could make a meal out of ordering a drink.
“˜And two more Cosmos, please,’ I add, looking anxiously at Christian. I am drinking with my mother ““ no way can he be angry about that.

This must be Christian’s new recipe for pickles, Hendricks gin and tonic-flavored ones to be exact.

He reaches over, takes my hand, and squeezes it gently, running his thumb across my knuckles to and fro”¦ and I feel the familiar pull. The electric charge zapping beneath my skin under the gentle pressure from his thumb, firing into my bloodstream and pulsing around my body, heating everything in its path. It’s been over two days since I saw him. Oh my… I want him. My breath hitches.

Seriously?  You can’t live without sex with him for two days?

I glance quickly at Mom who is staring at Christian”¦ yes staring! Stop it, Mom. As if he’s some exotic creature, never seen before. I mean, I know I’ve never had a boyfriend, and Christian only qualifies as such for ease of reference ““ but is it so unbelievable that I could attract a man? This man? Yes, frankly ““ look at him ““ my subconscious snaps. Oh, shut up! Who invited you to the party? I scowl at my mom ““ but she doesn’t seem to notice.

No, Ana, just because your mom is floored by Christian’s good looks doesn’t mean she wants to have a threesome with you guys.  And who gets jealous of her mom for being thrilled by her daughter’s new boyfriend, if that’s what you want to call him?

‘Will you have dinner with us tomorrow evening? And please, call me Carla.’
‘I’d be delighted to, Carla.’
‘Excellent. If you two will excuse me, I need to visit the powder room.’
Mom”¦ you’ve just been. I look at her desperately as she stands and walks off, leaving us alone together.

Audrey Hepburn with a long cigarette holder held to her lips
No, Ana, your mom never asked for Christian to give her fifty dollars for it, either.

‘So, you’re mad at me for having dinner with an old friend.’  Christian turns his burning, wary gaze to me, lifting my hand to his lips and kissing each knuckle gently.
Jeez, he wants to do this now?
‘Yes,’ I murmur as my heated blood courses through me.
‘Our sexual relationship was over long ago, Anastasia,” he whispers. ‘I don’t want anyone but you. Haven’t you worked that out yet?’
I blink at him.
‘I think of her as a child molester, Christian.’ I hold my breath waiting for his reaction.
Christian blanches.
‘That’s very judgmental. It wasn’t like that,’ he whispers, shocked. He releases my hand.
‘Oh, how was it then?’ I ask. The Cosmos are making me brave.
He frowns at me, bewildered. I continue.
‘She took advantage of a vulnerable fifteen-year-old boy. If you had been a fifteen-year-old girl and Mrs. Robinson was a Mr. Robinson, tempting you into a BDSM lifestyle, that would have been okay? If it was Mia, say?’
He gasps and scowls at me.
‘Ana, it wasn’t like that.’
I glare at him.
‘Okay, it didn’t feel like that to me,’ he continues quietly. ‘She was a force for good. What I needed.’

OK, before all the men’s rights activists who like to comment here cry, “Misandry,” let’s be clear on one thing: E. L. James is an equal-opportunity abuse minimizer for all genders!  Because abuse can be a good thing, right?  Really, this is the biggest crock of shit I ever read – right here.  Abuse is never good, and just as its effects shouldn’t be minimized when a man is abusing a girl, it should not be minimized when a woman is clearly abusing a boy.  Yeah, right, James, I called you out on this.  Care to explain your reasoning?

Yoda, captioned "At me bro, you come"

‘And as for your jealousy, put yourself in my shoes. I haven’t had to justify my actions to anyone in the last seven years. Not one person. I do as I wish, Anastasia. I like my autonomy. I didn’t go and see Mrs. Robinson to upset you. I went because every now and then we have dinner. She’s a friend and a business partner.’

But remember – Ana can’t have her autonomy in any respect!  She has to be submissive to him in all ways at all times.  This is such a double standard.

‘Please put these drinks on my tab, room number 612. I’ll call on you in the morning, Anastasia. Until tomorrow, Carla.’
‘Oh, it’s so nice to hear someone use your full name.’
‘Beautiful name for a beautiful girl,’ Christian murmurs, shaking her outstretched hands, and she actually simpers.
Oh Mom, ““ et tu, Bruté? I stand, gazing up at him, imploring him to answer my question, and he kisses my cheek chastely.
‘Laters, baby,’ he whispers in my ear. Then he’s gone.

Ingrid Bergman as Anastasia
Yeah, her mom named her after the title role in Ingrid Bergman played in the movie because she loved it so fucking mu-huch! (Insert drunken crying right here.)

‘Well, strike me down with a feather, Ana. He’s a catch. I don’t know what’s going on between you two though. I think you need to talk to each other. Phew ““ the UST in here, it’s unbearable.’ She fans herself theatrically.

Lucille Bluth winking with a drink in her hand
Oh, Ana’s mom!

‘Darling, don’t feel you have to come back with me. I want you happy ““ and right now I think the key to your happiness is upstairs in room 612. If you need to come home later, the key is under the yucca plant on the front porch. If you stay ““ well”¦ you’re a big girl now. Just be safe.’
I flush stars and stripes red. Jeez, Mom.
‘Let’s finish our Cosmos first.’
‘That’s my girl, Ana.’ She grins.

Whoa, Ana’s mom is a totally cool feminist mom!  Where the hell did you come from, Ana, under a rock?

We’re supposed to be talking, but my heart is pounding, my blood singing as it courses through my body, desire pooling, unfurling”¦ everywhere.

Humanoid alien with hair slick up in a fan and a really disgusted expression on his face
No, she’s really getting ready to get it on with Londo Mollari from “Babylon 5.” “HOLY FUCK! WHO KNEW THAT INTERSPECIES SEX COULD BE SO HOT, PARTICULARLY WITH TENTACLES? IT’S JUST SO EROTIC!” ANA SAID TO HERSELF. Then this is the look on his face when he found out about her inner goddess and her subconscious.

He slides his leg in between mine, pushing my feet further apart, widening my stance, and runs my hands over my sex, one hand at a time in turn, setting up a rhythm. It is so erotic. Truly I am a marionette and he is the master puppeteer.

What are they doing, role-playing Pinocchio?  Is Christian  supposed to be Gepetto?

‘When did you start your period, Anastasia?’ he asks out of the blue, gazing down at me.
‘Err… yesterday,’ I mumble in my highly aroused state.
‘Good.’ He releases me and turns me around.
‘Hold on to the sink,’ he orders and pulls my hips back again, like he did in the playroom, so I’m bending down.

Yup, and we’re leading up to…

He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string ““ what?! ““ and gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fuck. Sweet mother of all”¦ Jeez. And then he’s inside me”¦ ah! Skin against skin”¦ moving slowly at first”¦ easily, testing me, pushing me”¦ oh my.

First thing, you’re not supposed to throw tampons in the toilet.  No worries, he’s a gajillionaire, he can afford the bill for the plumbing repairs.  Second thing – surprise! – women can get pregnant while on their periods!  So thanks for spreading misinformation about safer sex and contraception to all the little teenybopper  Twilight lovers who are reading Mom’s copy of this on the sly!  And third thing, doesn’t this beat out the period sex scene from Endless Love?

Man and woman embracing in bed
No way! Fifty Shades was like, way hotter! He took out her tampon! Isn’t that just so erotic?


And that’s it for this week, loves!  Only three chapters of this train wreck left, and believe me, it gets even better!


6 replies on “Linotte Reads “Fifty Shades of Grey”: Chapter Twenty-three”

Once upon a time, when EL James was 15 or 16, there was a beatiful “older” (18, max) boy who lived across the street from our author. Young EL would watch this boy even though he never looked twice at her. She watched the boy and his girlfriend (probably an evil blond), and saw that every time the boy said good-bye to his girl, he would say “Laters, baby,” and then pop his collar(s).

Young EL would then imagine the boy saying that to her, and it would make her melt. It was cemented in her mind as the hottest, sweetest thing a man could say. When she wrote puked up this “book,” she didn’t think twice (or re-read) and consider why this wasn’t actually something cool older men said.

The end.

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