When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Sexy

Q. My husband and I both have health issues going on that mean we’ve decided not to have sexual intercourse for the next few months. But now, apart from oral, we’re totally stuck as to how else we can enjoy sexy times. Do you have any suggestions for what else we can do?

A. First off kitten, my condolences for you and your hub’s health problems. While I’m not sure of the details of what that means, please know, that as I write to you, I am currently suited up on a pair of crutches and two busted feet. There is no better reminder of the everyday joy of being “healthy” than having something go wrong.

But! We won’t meditate on that for long, because this is a blessing in disguise for your sex life. The world is your oyster! Like most hetero couples (this is the educated assumption I am going for), PIV sex usually takes over the bulk of sexual activity, when in fact, there are oodles and oodles of creative, amazing, orgasm-inducing good time activities and ways of having sex that are surefire ways to bring you and your partner to satisfaction.

Gilda Radnor, wearing short-shorts and a low-cut blouse, in a provocative pose. Caption reads "I am available for sophisticated sexual activity."
Just like Gilda, you are here for the party

So before we get into the nuts and bolts of all the things you can do, I want to bring up this timely article by Dennis Thompson Jr. on chronic fatigue syndrome and your sex life. Now, if you have ever known someone with CFS or had it yourself, you know that it can take a lot of spoons to just, well, just be. Often times, the “oomph” to have sex is usually slim to none, especially when small, daily activities that most of us take for granted, take almost everything out of you. So while you and your hubs may not have CFS, there is some great crossover tips that work for anyone who might have health or medical issues that can end up taking the wind out of your sails. So what does Thompson suggest?

  • Have a realistic idea of what a healthy sex life entails. “Try to set aside time in any week or two-week period,” Fennell suggests. “The average American couple has sex once a week. If someone with a chronic illness can have sex once every two weeks or once every month, they’re doing pretty well.”
  • Take it easy on yourself if you have initial difficulty. “You’re not failing,” Fennell says. “Sex is not a test. It’s not mandatory. But it can be enjoyable and, for some people, could help with symptoms.”
  • Set a date night and plan ahead. The person with CFS can prepare by getting some additional rest two or three days prior. Your partner can help by setting the proper mood and helping you relax. “Part of it is looking at how you’re staging your time, and around that time say, “˜How do I make that an opportunity to be close and intimate?’ – and maybe sex will come out of that,” Fennell offers.

Remember – it’s not a race. You and your partner aren’t here to reach some sort of goal or end. You are here to make each other feel good in a time where “not feeling good” might be the over-arching theme. Think of it also as the great experiment of 2012, where you and your partner are building up a sexual resume of tricks and moves that you can use for the future when PIV sex is up on the table again.  So let’s look at some of the things you can do besides oral.

1. Handy, Dandy Work: Hand jobs! Remember when you were fourteen and making out on someone’s mom’s couch and a hand job seemed really thrilling? Bring that joy back for both of you. You can stick with the good old-fashioned hand that Lord hath given you, or, get creative with sex toys. It’s a great time for your partner to focus on your clit and find the exact algorithm you need to get hot and bothered. If you really want to get creative, you can use your fingers to stimulate his prostate, while giving a hand job. Now, with hand jobs, just remember, wash those hands! Trim those fingernails! Make sure that if you are going for good times in the south, that your tools of engagement don’t carry anything you wouldn’t want down there.

2. Sex toys are your motherfucking friends: Sex toys are brilliant inventions, to which I can never be thankful enough. Not only do sex toys offer a little more punch to your sexy times, they offer more variety – and there is. so. much. variety. Just by cruising a site like Babeland, The Pleasure Chest, or Smitten Kitten, I have already found a bevy of toys that will peak your interest. The Sqweel 2. The Fleshlight (Now in alien!). The oodles upon oodles of vibrators, anal toys, dildos, and everything which way in between.

3. Just Build Up: Okay, so let’s say, you both are feeling a little sexy, but maybe don’t want to go full penetration or even full on. Work each other up by just making you both feel good. Massages. Sensation Play. Porn. Erotic Lit. Depending on how your tastes go, these are all great options that just allow you and your partner to feel good without the pressure of having to “have sex.” You can feel turned on and maybe just mess around, without it having to be some climax-inducing show. This is also a great way to re-learn each other’s bodies, potentially finding out new things about each other.

4. Listen to your best expert. Your body: You will know when its right. You will know what feels good, when to stop, when it’s not a good time, when you just need something soothing. You will know when to have PIV sex again. You will know when to push it (push it real good) and when you just need to get some sleep. This goes for your partner as well. The key here is communication, communication, communication. You are each other’s best ally in a time of frustration and sickness. Talk about what makes you feel good, what you want, and then listen to what feels good for them, and what they want. The majority of the time, your wants and needs may not match up. This is why communication is so important. Make it work for each other – that is why you have each other.

5. Have Fun: This is not the opera and this is not redtube. Sexual adventures, especially when they venture into experimenting with new and fabulous methods, can be awkward and even embarrassing. Don’t let it get to you. Embrace the unknown and be fearless in your sexual play. Think of it as laying down a new porch foundation for your already built house. Yes, the house is nice, but look, a porch! It’s not like the house! Or you can choose whatever metaphor works best. Either way, it’s y’all’s time to just take pleasure and fun in what sounds like a frustrating and hard time. Embrace your curiosities and go forth.

And remember! We love feedback. So if your sexy times go well, let us know! We appreciate book reports, emails, and carrier pigeons, all bearing the good, good news.

Got a ques­tion to ask, sub­ject you’d like us to dis­cuss, or myth you’d like us to bust? Keep “˜em com­ing ! You can send us an anony­mous mes­sage via the Ask Us! fea­ture here. We love to see a full inbox of sexy sex and not so sexy sex questions.



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