Buster Blonde’s Tried and True Dating Advice

For those of you prone to overanalyzing relationships, I’ve put together a couple of quick tips for not over-thinking romantic entanglements. I hope you can benefit from this personal roadmap on how to avoid this serious dating blunder.

1) Ponder how well you’ll come across if you just choose to be yourself, but make sure you’re only the really awesome parts of yourself and try to edit out any undesirable parts. If you think of it, which is to say, try to think of it, make sure to catch yourself doing undesirable things before you do them. If you neglect to head undesirable behavior off at the pass, swiftly (but thoroughly) contemplate the ramifications. Proceed to nip any unintended side effects of the undesirable parts of yourself in the bud. But be sure to do this casually. It’d be disastrous to draw attention to the undesirable parts of yourself, like neuroses, or upper arm fat.

2) Allow yourself to be interesting, fun and witty–it helps to plan out interesting, fun, witty topics and even entire sentences before hand; this will help you feel more relaxed. It also sometimes helps to choreograph your posture–sit in a casual way, perhaps with your fist resting nonchalantly under your chin, or with your arms folded behind your head (but only if you’re 100% confident you don’t have any hint of body odor or upper arm fat). If these positions are uncomfortable, try to focus on seeming comfortable. If you think about it, which you should, seeming comfortable is more important than being comfortable in a dating situation.

3) So that you won’t over-think them when the time comes, be sure you prepare for all possible dating scenarios from food in teeth to sexual intercourse, and within the sub-category of sexual intercourse, of course prepare for various positions (eg. Praying Mantis) and potentially awkward moments (eg. post-coital sobbing). It’s probably helpful to prepare a discussion on unplanned pregnancy in the event it should occur. Remember, don’t over-think it, just act natural, I’m not saying be natural, just act natural–acting natural is much more important than being natural (just as, of course, acting comfortable is more important than being comfortable).

4) Make sure to keep the pressure low. To let the person you’re interested in know that the pressure is low, you should come up with some meticulously designed sentences which will let him or her know how casual and open to all manner of possibilities you are. One effective method of doing this is to think of all the things your love interest would likely not want to talk about or deal with at an early stage in the dating process, and then of course bring each item up one by one so you can dismiss them; here’s an example: “I know it can be awkward to talk about exes early in a relationship, particularly on a first date like this, I think we can alleviate that potential awkwardness by talking about our exes now, to prove how unimportant the topic is. One of my exes turned out to be an axe-murderer”¦well, two of my exes, actually. In hindsight I feel as if there were signs. Now you go.” Simple enough, right?

5) When in doubt, just remember to think about how important it is not to over-think things. I can’t stress enough how much over-thinking a situation can complicate it, you should be mindful of this at all times.

Manned with these 5 simple tips you’re ready to go out and have the carefully and painstakingly crafted time of your life–go get ’em tiger!

Photo taken from behind of a man and woman on swings. She has long hair and he has a ponytail.
At first I thought this was a photo of two women, but upon closer examination, I was bummed to discover that the person on the right is a dude in a gross Dread Pirate Roberts ponytail.

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