News Appetizers: Paul Ryan Works Out

Muffins and kittens, poodles and mittens! You came back!

Oh, we got some stuff, yes we got some stuff going on here. I write this to you on the eve of the Vice Presidential debate – mercy! I twiddle with delight in thinking of the shenanigans that Uncle Joe and Glamour shots Ryan are going to be getting into tonight. We are back highlighting the week’s best: the events that are enough to send us running for the hills and screaming for mercy. Alas, it’s always a trip, relaying the newest and the ew-est. So pop your best poppers, and down your best pain killers; let’s get this show on the road, like never before.

The VP Debates were last night and while I’m always apt to say that Uncle Joe might as well have walked out to Rick Ross, you can fact check for yourselves. And quelle surprise, bitches. To paraphrase Uncle Joe, “Today I’m handing out lollipops and ass-whoopings, and I’m all out of lollipops.” (

Paul Ryan, wearing workout shorts, a t-shirt, and a backwards red baseball cap, sitting on a weight bench and holding is hand out flat.
Get it Girl

Malala Yousafzai, the 14-year-old Pakistani schoolgirl who was shot in the head by Taliban militants this week, is now stable in a military hospital in Rawalpindi. The government of the province where Malala was shot has offered a reward of more than $100,000 for the shooter. (NY Times)

Everyone’s favorite presidential nominee and regional Big Bird executer, Mittens McBootyhole, aided a fringe Utah college founded by a radical right-wing conspiracy theorist. Yay!!  Back in 2009, Mittens introduced Glenn Beck at a fundraiser for a school that promoted the work of W. Cleon Skousen, author of everyone’s favorite summer read, The New World Order: Choosing Between Christ and Satan in the Last Days. Choice quotes? “During the coming year the secret combinations and the governments they control will do a number of things to build a Satanic New World Order. President Bush and many Congressmen, who are controlled by the secret societies, will attempt to further this cause and to continue the curtailment of freedoms guaranteed by the Constitution.” Groovy. (Mother Jones)

A Syrian-bound plane was forced to make an intercepted landing in Turkey, where it was found carrying Russian-made defense equipment and ammunition. The plane was headed towards Syria’s defense ministry. Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan was basically like, “This is some bullshit.” (BBC)

I’m sure many have now seen the case of Fisher vs. University of Texas at Austin. I’m sure many have side-eyed this just as hard as I have. But can I just say that if I was about to go into the highest court in the U.S., in front of heavy hitters like Sonia Sotomayor and Ruth Ginsberg, I wouldn’t dress like Miss Sad Ass Target Cracker aboard the Racist Express 2000? (Colorlines)

Yes kittens,with a dash of humor, a pinch of benign fear, and a sprinkle of the worst fears come alive, we have capped off another week of news, straight hopping fresh. At least when the world looks extra awful, reach out and tell someone you love them. Give a hug. And for goodness sake, turn off the damn news, that stuff gives you nightmares.

Better find the vodka.

4 replies on “News Appetizers: Paul Ryan Works Out”

no, she graduated from her second choice, and was mad because she didn’t get into her first choice. Knowing that they have an affirmative action program, she decided that obviously that was why she didn’t get in, not that she didn’t quite make the top 10% cut off or any number of any reasons. She was a borderline candidate for the school, so when it came between her and someone who met affirmative action crits, they went with affirmative action.

Since then, she graduated from her second choice and has a job in the city that she wanted to be in. She’s claiming that the connections that she MIGHT have made if she went to her first choice in that city have greatly impacted her career. Which I give major side eye to, as she has 1)a job that 2) pays fairly well for someone her age and time out of school. There are people who went ti Ivy league who don’t have that.

All I can think about is “poor white girl fee-fees. ” Complete with eyeroll. And I’m a white girl. Just. UGH. Super gross of her.

I despise the Ryan budget that Paul Krugman called “ludicrous and cruel,” so I usually have no love for that man, but those pictures make me feel embarrassed for him. They look like something from 1992. If he were a regular person I would feel bad for him, but since he’s cruel, anti-woman, Ayn Rand-loving, heartless Paul Ryan I can just laugh. What the heck was he thinking releasing those pictures?

I’m glad Malala is surviving. I can’t get over her courage and persistence. If only more people were like her. I wish I had superpowers for a day and could just blast the Taliban out of existence.

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