Even though it really has nothing whatsoever to do with the content of this post, please enjoy It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’s “Day Man” – I’ll just feel better knowing you’ve recently watched it.
Now that we’ve covered that, let’s talk about day people and night people.
Dear day people,
I like mornings, I really do. But you won’t find me in one very often. I don’t wake up early. And it’s not that I can’t wake up on time, it’s that I have the wrong temperament. Mornings, in my mind, are for cheerful people. I am not “cheerful people.” I’m loud, and I laugh a lot (actually, it’s more of a cackle), which results in my sometimes being mistaken for cheerful, but ultimately I’m just not. Night time, on the other hand, is for snarky people. People who use heroin, and who enjoy the rain. Drink black coffee. And wear fingerless gloves (even though their fingertips are subsequently quite cold). Yes, night time, is the right time for snark. And that’s where I live, in the dank, snarky night.
Because I don’t interact with day people all that much, since we’re only awake for about three hours of overlap each day, my imagination has created a day people mystique, which I think is starting to create a false dichotomy for me. I imagine day people to be extraordinarily well put together folks who handle their sh”¦business and then some. Whereas night people, in my mind are all, well, like me, a smoldering hot mess.
Here’s where you come in, day people, the folks to whom I’ve addressed this open letter, I’m pretty sure there are more of you than there are of us night people, which means most everyone (excepting the obvious: musicians, night shift workers, barkeeps, burlesquers, and mole people) is expected to live on the day plan. And since some of us just don’t manage living on the day plan all that well, we could use your help in educating the rest of the day dwelling public. Also, because, as I said, my imagination has possibly gotten way, way, away from itself and created an idea of each of you day folk as perfectly well put together people (PTPs), I could also use your input on just how wrong (or maybe in some cases right) my guesses about you are.
So here goes, this is how I view the world, broken into two distinct domains, a day people group, and a night people group, illustrated through their approaches to some of life’s simplist tasks and judgment calls:
- Day people wake to an alarm or rise naturally with the sun (yes, night people, this is a thing). Night people set an alarm only to ignore it and be eventually roused from sleep by bladder discomfort or hungry, meowling cats.
- Day people make coffee. Night people drink burnt coffee left in the pot brewed hours earlier by day people housemates.
- Day people eat breakfast foods in the morning, including sometimes stopping at McDonald’s for McMuffins. Night people eat breakfast foods at greasy spoons at 2:50 am. When they awake, there are no breakfast foods to be had. Night people are regularly disappointed that they didn’t make it to McDonald’s before 11 am when they think McDonald’s stops serving breakfast, even though McDonald’s actually stops serving breakfast at 10:30.
- Day people shower first thing in the morning. They know how to commit to goals and see them through. They are undaunted by the time and dedication it must take to be perfectly shampooed, conditioned, shaved, moisturized, coiffed, polished, attired, and made-up. Night people shower at night, hitting only the major nooks, or, as is sometimes sadly the case, shower not at all.
- Because day people shower in the morning, they blow dry. Because they blow dry, they don’t suffer cowlicks. Night people go to bed on wet heads, and consequently, they suffer cowlicks. Oh how they suffer them.
- Day people arrive at work sometime between fifteen minutes early and ten minutes late. Night people consider ten minutes late very early indeed and in some cases have difficulty arriving on time for 11:30 am staff meetings.
- If anyone takes vitamins, surely it is day people. Although it is night people who would most benefit from a regular Vitamin D supplement.
- Day people exercise regularly. Night people exorcise demons.
- Day people say, and may believe, platitudes like, “Whether you think you can, or whether you think you can’t, you’re probably right.” Night people believe that whether they think they can or can’t Parkour off a twenty foot wall, gravity will likely make the determining call.
- Day people are optimists. Night people are realists. Mole people are pragmatists.
- Day people resolve on New Year’s Day to give up chocolate or coffee or needless shopping. Night people wake up on January 2nd, that’s it.
- Day people wear black because it’s slimming and versatile. Night people wear black because it matches the circles under their eyes.
- Day people wear blue because it’s a good color on them and complements those flecks in their eyes. Night people wear black because it matches the circles under their eyes.
- Day people spring clean. Night people throw out old pizza boxes when they can no longer find the couch.
- Day people will give you a ride to the airport so you can catch a redeye because they really like you and don’t mind staying up past bedtime for a good cause. Night people will give you a ride to the airport so you can catch a redeye because why the feck not, they were up anyway, and not really doing anything much but puttering and wondering why they’re still up.
- Day people cry during sad movies and when bad things happen to loved ones. Night people sob because “Rebellion without truth is like spring in a bleak, arid desert,” and shit like that. Being really tired makes people emotional.
- Day people are good. Night people are sometimes good.
- Day people probably suck sometimes. Night people definitely do.
So day friends, you could really help this night friend out by, a) telling your fellow day people to stop inviting us night people to work out at 6 am; and b) maybe throwing us night people a bone by letting us know that you’re not as perfect as we think you are”¦.please tell me you’re not as perfect as we think you are.
Thanks, buddies! See you at 2 pm, we’ll both likely be awake then.