My Favorite Kinda Messed-Up Christmas Songs

Christmas music comes in many different forms. Some people love the hymns and traditional carols they grew up with, while others prefer more recent pop hits. Being one who can never takes such things too seriously, I tend to have a soft spot for Christmas songs that are, well, a little different. 

Twisted Sister – “Oh Come All Ye Faithful”

I never knew I wanted traditional carols to sound pretty much exactly like “We’re Not Gonna Take It” until Twisted Sister’s A Twisted Christmas album came out in 2006. Mind = blown. If you work in a place that plays Christmas music nonstop during the holidays, I highly recommend pre-gaming with this album. (Unless you have a boss with no sense of humor who refuses to believe that no, I really wasn’t gonna leave this on once the customers started coming in. For fuck’s sake.)

Elmo & Patsy – “Grandma Got Run over by a Reindeer”

I don’t even care how many Worst Christmas Song lists it winds up on, I will always have a soft spot for this one. Is it terrible and ridiculous and does it kinda make your ears hurt? Yeah. Am I bovvered? No. Someone decided to write a song about an old lady getting killed by an errant reindeer and it actually got produced and people liked it. That’s my kind of world.

“Weird Al” Yankovic – “Christmas at Ground Zero”

Yes, I’m a 34-year-old woman who still loves Weird Al. If that’s wrong, I don’t want to be right. What’s not to love about a Christmas song that plays on fears of a nuclear attack? The “Ground Zero” bit probably shouldn’t be funny anymore, but I’ve always been a fan of gallows humor (especially having lived in NYC for ten years). His other Christmas song, “The Night Santa Went Crazy,” is a bit problematic, but I have trouble being too mad at a song that has a drunk Santa yelling, “Merry Christmas to all, now you’re all gonna die!”

South Park – “Swiss Colony Beef Log”

Really, I could have picked pretty much any of South Park’s Christmas songs, but this one had the least blatantly offensive video (seriously, some of their songs are fucked up and I am a terrible person). Cartman’s ode to his favorite summer sausage is actually kinda sweet. Some of the others”¦ not so much, but they still crack me up. I may or may not at some point may have participated in an impromptu sing-along at work of “The Most Offensive Song Ever.” (shrug) These things happen.

Dolly Parton (and the cast of The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas) – “Hard Candy Christmas”

I feel bad including this with some of the other songs on the list, but I don’t know if people realize that “Hard Candy Christmas” didn’t start as a Christmas song. It’s a song about women being sad that the whorehouse they all live and work in is being shut down. Dolly’s solo version is what the radio stations tend to play and it’s lovely, but it still cracks me up that it’s being played alongside real holiday songs that aren’t about a whorehouse.

What are your favorite non-traditional/fucked up holiday songs?

By [E] Hillary

Hillary is a giant nerd and former Mathlete. She once read large swaths of "Why Evolution is True" and a geology book aloud to her infant daughter, in the hopes of a) instilling a love of science in her from a very young age and b) boring her to sleep. After escaping the wilds of Waco, Texas and spending the next decade in NYC, she currently lives in upstate New York, where she misses being able to get decent pizza and Chinese takeout delivered to her house. She lost on Jeopardy.

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