We sometimes find our solace in the strangest places. I’ve come to expect that, but I can honestly say I never expected to find solace and acceptance from an Internet meme.
The first time I saw this I laughed so hard I scared the dog. It’s so goddamn true I can’t stand it. It has given me more acceptance of my illnesses than anything else has the last eight years.
I never could accept the idea that there is some outside thing able to thwart my will. There is nothing in this world strong enough to tell me no, you can’t, nothing outside myself that gets dominion over my willpower. Understanding that these issues come completely from inside is reassuring in that it’s still true no outside force has been stronger.
But damn, I know how tough I am, which means I know there’s no easy way to fight myself and win. Which means my body can trump my will and there’s not a thing I can do about it.
The only thing possible is trying to form an alliance. Or reform, damn body, what did I do to piss you off like this? (To which my body quotes Frank Zappa at me: Speed turns you into your parents.)
I sometimes wonder if the years of chemical indulgence brought this about. I let the thought stay only a moment or two before I kick it out on its useless ass. What if it did? There’s not a single thing I can do to change the past. But like the above idea, it’s somewhat comforting to think I did this to myself, my choices led my body to revolt and try to eat itself. It’s better than the idea that it’s simply random that I stopped working properly.
I guess I just need to own it all the way around? The only thing tough enough to kick my ass is me, and the reason I’m kicking my ass stems directly from my own actions.
There are still times that I feel helplessly cheated and thwarted by simply not being able to do what I want. This current flare started a week before Christmas, and while there may be worse times for a flare, this surely sits easy in the top five. It’s always frustrating to have to change plans, modify expectations. But I take solace where I can find it: