A Wolf at the Door

We sometimes find our solace in the strangest places. I’ve come to expect that, but I can honestly say I never expected to find solace and acceptance from an Internet meme.

Courage Wolf Meme, captioned "Auto-immune disease, because the only thing tough enough to kick my ass is me."
Courage Wolf does not fuck around with the truth

The first time I saw this I laughed so hard I scared the dog. It’s so goddamn true I can’t stand it. It has given me more acceptance of my illnesses than anything else has the last eight years.

I never could accept the idea that there is some outside thing able to thwart my will. There is nothing in this world strong enough to tell me no, you can’t, nothing outside myself that gets dominion over my willpower. Understanding that these issues come completely from inside is reassuring in that it’s still true no outside force has been stronger.

But damn, I know how tough I am, which means I know there’s no easy way to fight myself and win. Which means my body can trump my will and there’s not a thing I can do about it.

The only thing possible is trying to form an alliance. Or reform, damn body, what did I do to piss you off like this? (To which my body quotes Frank Zappa at me: Speed turns you into your parents.)

I sometimes wonder if the years of chemical indulgence brought this about. I let the thought stay only a moment or two before I kick it out on its useless ass. What if it did? There’s not a single thing I can do to change the past. But like the above idea, it’s somewhat comforting to think I did this to myself, my choices led my body to revolt and try to eat itself. It’s better than the idea that it’s simply random that I stopped working properly.

I guess I just need to own it all the way around? The only thing tough enough to kick my ass is me, and the reason I’m kicking my ass stems directly from my own actions.

There are still times that I feel helplessly cheated and thwarted by simply not being able to do what I want. This current flare started a week before Christmas, and while there may be worse times for a flare, this surely sits easy in the top five. It’s always frustrating to have to change plans, modify expectations. But I take solace where I can find it:

Courage wolf meme, captioned "Fall down 7 times, stand up 8."
And he gets it.


By Brenda

40-something-something stay home mom, floating somewhere between traditional and strange. I’m addicted to music, making things and my computer.

7 replies on “A Wolf at the Door”

I also have an autoimmune disease. Seeing that first meme I laughed so hard I cried. I showed it to my fiance and his response was, “Yep, pretty much.”

I do sympathize with you on the flare-ups. They seems to come at craptastic times but you do what you gotta do and carry on.

Thanks for the pick-me-up.

I’m a day late and dollar short, and just now saw this comment. Argh, my apologies for not replying sooner.

That meme should be posted in every doctor’s office or something, or come as part of a “Welcome to Your New Life” package.

This was another post I almost didn’t share. Y’alls comments make me so glad I did. Thank you :-)

Leave a Reply