Anal Is As Anal Does: What To Do When You Carry Someone’s Load

Q. My husband and I have had anal sex many times and each time we do, I find myself singing to myself, “I can’t get no satisfaction,” because this helps me to relax and, quite frankly, I can’t get any satisfaction out of this. It hurts so bad. Are there any other tips you can give me that will help me to relax more. Also, will butt plugs actually stretch the ass so it will be more comfortable? He loves doing this, and is a great and caring lover. I really want to please my husband and also be able to enjoy what he loves to do. HELP”¦

A. My love, in the words of a great many porn stars past: “We do anal.” We have explored the benefits and downfalls of anal sex, hell, we even have a tag for it (actually, we have multiple tags). Advice on how to make your butt more open, your anal less ow, and your slippage less slippery all reside there. But, something tells me this is not about butt plugs or butt sex. It’s about you, or really, the lack of you in this question.

Have you ever heard the story of the man, his son, and the ass? Just to be clear, in this story, the ass is a donkey, but the metaphors are strong with this one. It’s a standard Aesop’s fable, one that, depending on where you are, who is telling it, and why they are telling it, varies in content each time. Here’s a version of the tale I’ve always heard:

One day a man was going to market with his son and his ass. They met a couple on the way. “Why walk when you have an ass to ride?” called out the husband, “Seat the boy on the ass.” “I would like that,” said the boy, “Help me up, father.” Soon, they met another couple. “How shameful of you!” cried the woman, “Let your father ride, won’t he be tired?” So, the boy got down and the father rode the ass. Again they marched on. “Poor boy,” said the next person they met, “Why should the lazy father ride while his son is walking?” So, the boy got onto the ass too. As they went on, they met some travellers. “How cruel of them! They are up to kill the poor ass,” cried one of the travellers. Hearing this, the father and the son got down. Now they decided to carry the ass on their shoulders. As they did so, the travellers broke into laughter. The laughter frightened the ass. It broke free and galloped away.

The point of this story is to emphasize that you can’t satisfy everyone, and in trying to, you end up making your life harder. Not only do the different ways of trying to make a relatively simple act of walking a donkey become convoluted to meet someone else’s taste, but in the end, the ass runs away like its life depends on it. Are you beginning to see any similarities, my love?

Why are you so intent on making this one act enjoyable for him when it doesn’t feel good for you? You say he is caring and a great partner in the sack, but I can only imagine you grinning and bearing it through anal, giving him the impression that you are having a rip-roaring time. Or perhaps I could imagine that he isn’t such a great partner and feels entitled to anal, whether or not it feels good to you. Maybe it isn’t as direct as that, maybe it’s the type of thing he can casually put out of his mind while pounding away at your sore behind, because honey, I do not know what the emotional and psychological makeup of those times look like. But your letter doesn’t seem like it’s asking for tricks or toys. You even mention that you know butt plugs will help.

I mean, my love, I hate to ride you like Seabiscuit, but you say, “I can’t get no satisfaction.” Hell baby, you are literally singing it. “It hurts so bad.” “He loves doing this.” “I really want to please my husband and also be able to enjoy what he loves to do.” I don’t hear you in there anywhere. I don’t hear you at all. I hear only the dire need to make sure that your husband is having a good time at your expense, which leaves me with cause for concern. Where are you? I know you say he is a great lover and all that jazz, but from the tone of your letter, I see less of that and more of a plea to make you grin and bear it through anal more. I can’t make that happen.

It’s a hard line to toe too, because this is what sex and marriage can look like – a series of compromises that are about making each person feel as if they are getting their way. However, it’s a partnership that is supposed to benefit both parties, and I just get the feeling that you are being left out in the cold, or rather, with a dick up your ass. You make it really clear that you don’t like anal sex and that it hurts. If your husband is the great partner he is, would he knowingly be doing something that hurt you for his sexual pleasure? And I don’t mean in the kinky, pain-is-good kind of way, I mean in the, “Your dick slamming into my ass hurts but as long as you’re having fun, I guess we are all having fun” kind of way.

I’ve made my thoughts on anal sex with the gentlemen clear: unless you’re willing to take it, don’t feel entitled to it. I hate to sound all Loretta is gonna get her revenge once and fer’ all, but lets just ponder this little thought experiment. The next time you and your husband are getting heavy, suggest anal sex to him. Except this time, he is going to be the one taking it up the butt, not you. Gauge the reaction. This reaction should tell you everything you should need to know about proceeding in the future with anal sex. If he is cautious, yet interested, you have a partner that just might not be aware of what anal sex feels like. If he is able to understand what anal is like, maybe this will change the anal game for you both. If he acts like a four-year-old being told he needs to go take a bath, it’s time to take anal off the table for a while. While it seems to be one of the things he enjoys more than the pope quitting being pope, it goes without saying that anyone who is so unwilling to reciprocate a sex act that their partner does on the regular might not be someone who is worthy of that sex act.

Maybe I’m being harsh. Maybe I’m missing a huge chunk of you and your husband’s actual sexual behavior. It’s always hard to try and talk about someone’s sexual life when all you have to go on is a three-sentence question that you use to make assumptions about a couple’s life in bed. It comes with the territory, and one always has to accept that one might be wrong, just as much as they may be somewhat on target (right is not a word that seems to apply here). But my tough love comes from this: from what I can garner, you love your husband (who happens to be your sexual partner) and want to make him happy. That makes you a class-A partner already. Your mind is open to possibilities and sexual pleasure is where you want to go. That is already enough to please anybody. Plus, ask yourself this question: If there were a sex act that you liked, but hurt your husband physically, would you ask him to do that sex act? I don’t think you would.

The most cautionary part of the tale I mentioned above is, after trying every which way to please the folks around them, the man and his son end up actually losing the donkey. Or really, the donkey runs screaming and hollering away from its original owners. I’m not suggesting that you will run screaming and hollering from your husband, but if you keep things bottled up each time you sing through anal to get through it, you might not be able to keep it in any longer one day. You may go from eager-to-please to resentful. You may just start avoiding sex. There are a whole bunch of tactics you might consciously or unconsciously start employing to get around anal or even the possibility that he might bring it up. Air out the dirty laundry now if you haven’t already. If he is the great partner you say he is, he will be willing to let anal be off the table for a while until you both can find a way to meet your needs without you grinning and bearing. No one should be grinning and bearing it through sex. That’s some shit our grandmothers went through when they lay back and thought of England or whatever country society told them to think of because women didn’t like sex and were just supposed to be the receiving receptacle for the menzfolk. You are not a Rolling Stone’s-singing-receiving receptacle. You are a person with nerves in their butt and nerves in their spirit. Combine those nerves together and you can get this situation to where you need it to go.

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2 replies on “Anal Is As Anal Does: What To Do When You Carry Someone’s Load”

Not personally into giving or receiving anal sex; however, was looking for what someone might do if wanting to engage in it (as a therapist, I have coached people who have never tried anything but want to have a more fulfilling sex life). Instead, what I just read seems to be 20 or so restatements of “don’t do it if you don’t like it.” Really? Many people don’t like traditional sex the first time or so they try it, or oral sex the first time or so they try it, but after they learn the “ins and outs”…sorry…they find that they DO enjoy it. I would encourage the reader to try for her/himself rather than feel beset by notions that by consenting to something different, they are somehow disempowering themselves.

“It hurts so bad”

That was hard to read. Yea, he’s a great husband who is very loving but is hurting you. Does not add up. But I can believe, in our society, that a nice man still thinks it’s okay for him to consistently request something sexual that is painful for his female partner. Possibly it’s porn’s influence but I know, from my sexual experiences, men expect you to perform sex for them. Many like to think it’s all for their pleasure, even if it causes you pain. I really hope the asker here sits her husband down and talks these things out. Your four year old example perfectly sums up how every man who has asked me for anal reacts when I turn the tables on them.

“If there were a sex act that you liked, but hurt your husband physically, would you ask him to do that sex act? I don’t think you would”

This. That’s all you really need to know.

I feel like there’s a new article everyday about anal sex. Not specifically here but in all the feminist-friendly places. To me it seems like this is something every woman gets pressured to do, and most of us don’t wanna do it. But the patriarchy being what it is, a lot of us feel pressure to be ‘cool’ with this or just try it. Because we all want to be that perfect woman/girlfriend/wife. Too often men take advantage of this, and I think, like you said, this leads to deep resentment in relationships. Because we’re not allowed to speak up for ourselves when we think someone is treating us unfairly.

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