Ladyguide: Homemade Pest Control

In the comment section of my last article, there was an entry about controlling those little fuckers others lovingly refer to as aphids. Now I’m no stranger to having my garden torn up by invading hordes of everything from Japanese Beetles to squirrels, so I thought I’d share some of my research along with personal experience regarding a few situations you may run into when your garden’s under attack.

Situation 1: Some fucking furry thing is eating your plants.

We lovingly planted corn for the first time last year. We imagined corn on the cob, and tried corn over the winter to start our corn harvest anew. That was until one day when we noticed something was yanking the corn out by the roots and JUST LEAVING IT THERE. It wasn’t even eating it! IT WAS TAUNTING ME. We have fencing around our garden, but there’s a tree smack in the middle of it and those crafty bastards were using it to climb down and screw with us.

What I did: Red pepper. I got the biggest thing of red pepper I could find (along with chili flakes) and sprinkled it all over my precious corn babies. And it seemed to hold those fuzzy assholes at bay, at least until it rained. This is something you’ll need to do after every rain (but that’s not uncommon with garden products). This isn’t a cure all, but I try to take the most passive approach when it comes to my garden.

Situation 2: JAPANESE BEETLES (The fuckers).

Animated gif from Bridesmaids of Megan (Melissa McCarthy) in the bathroom yelling "Don't you fucking look at me!"Nothing more needs to be said about them, they’re the scourge of the universe shat out by Satan himself after getting food poisoning. Seriously. If Lucifer himself squatted over a garden and took a molten lava food poisoning shit, these beetles are what would come out.

What I did: Trap crop. Basically a trap crop is something you plant to distract the pests from what you really care about. Mine was a total happy accident. I plant morning glories along my garden fence every year to attract beneficial insects and they paid more attention to them than most of my other plants. That’s not to say there aren’t other solutions. You can buy japanese beetle traps, but it’s been said they actually attract more of them than you would have if you didn’t buy the trap in the first place. Trap crops can be used with all sorts of pests. I plan flowers with my veggies not only to attract beneficial insects like bees, but also to help save my precious, precious squash plants.

Situation 3: BUGS. BUGS EVERYWHERE. Now, the key here is recognizing what’s a good bug and what’s bad bug. A Garden full of ladybugs or praying mantises? Fuck yeah! Full of aphids, whiteflies or some other gnarly shit? Fuck that! Now I try to avoid going scorched earth on any pest in my garden because chances are you’re going to wipe out some beneficial insects along with your foe, and garden friendly fire is not cool at all. When it’s time to bust out chemical warfare, there’s no need to go buy some gnarly shit from the store because you can make a variety of organic pesticides with shit you’ve already got laying around in your kitchen. I sourced a few youtube tutorials on how to make something that’s safe for you and cheap as hell. Also, since there are no harsh chemicals, these could also be used sparingly indoors on window boxes.

Hopefully this keeps you from having to resort to going out and buying pricey garden fixes that may be harsh and unpleasant to use. And if there’s anything you want me to write about, let me know in the comments!

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