Linotte Reads “Fifty Shades Freed”: Chapter Two

Happy Tuesday, Persephoneers! Now remember, we’re on Chapter Two of Fifty Shades Freed, so let’s get set for the laughs and the WTFs.

I am suddenly very awake, my erotic dream forgotten.
“I was on my front. I must have turned over in my sleep.” I whisper weakly in my defense.
His eyes blaze with fury. He reaches down, scoops up my bikini top from his sun lounger and tosses it at me.
“Put this on!” he hisses.
“Christian, no one is looking.”
“Trust me. They’re looking. I’m sure Taylor and the security crew are enjoying the show!” he snarls.

This is a perfect example of the abusive relationship between Christian and Ana. Christian is clearly overreacting to a situation that isn’t Ana’s fault. It’s perfectly acceptable for women in Monaco to go without a bathing top at the beach, and it should be Ana’s choice, but Christian is forcing her to do as he wishes, as though she belongs to him and is at his mercy. Again, James is portraying an abusive relationship as normal, which doesn’t make this a romantic tale, now, does it?

Once the waitress has left, Christian snatches up his book and BlackBerry and masks his fury behind mirrored aviator glasses. He’s bristling with tension and anger. My heart sinks. Every other woman on the beach is topless–it’s not that big of a crime. In fact I look odd with my top on. I sigh inwardly, my spirits sinking. I thought Christian would see the funny side”¦ sort of”¦ maybe if I’d stayed on my front, but his sense of humor has evaporated.

He clearly doesn’t seem to have any sense of humor about the situation. The fact that he acted like an asshole about it is going to make it even worse, and the paparazzi will take a hint and make something bigger out of it than it really is. So, in short, Christian is a dumb ass. Ana should just tell him this:

Screencap from South Park of Eric Cartman wearing a dress and a ton of makeup, saying "It's my hot body and I'll do what I want!"
Image via

“Hold on,” he orders, and I put my arms around him. This is my favorite part of traveling by Jet Ski. I hug him closely, my nose nuzzling into his back, marveling that there was a time when he would not have tolerated me touching him this way. He smells good”¦ of Christian and the sea.

Animated gif from Downton Abbey of Lady Mary rolling her eyes
Jet Skiing with an asshole…what a dream come true! Image via

“Anastasia, you’re my wife, not my sub. I don’t ever want to hurt you. You should know that by now. Just”¦ just don’t take your clothes off in public. I don’t want you naked all over the tabloids. You don’t want that, and I’m sure your mom and Ray don’t want that either.”
Oh! Ray. Holy shit, he’d have a coronary. What was I thinking? I mentally castigate myself.

What’s the big deal? If the tabloids publish it, you just get a good lawyer and sue them and the paparazzo who took it. Christian has oodles of money. Don’t tell me he can’t hire the best lawyer.

 I am rich”¦ stinking rich. I have done nothing to earn this money”¦ just married a rich man.

Yeah, and put up with his bullshit, too.

“I’m going to make an example of you. Come. Don’t pee,” he whispers in my ear.
I gasp. Don’t pee? How rude. My subconscious looks up from her book–The Complete works of Charles Dickens, Vol. 1–with alarm.
“It’s not what you think.” Christian smirks, holding his hand out to me. “Trust me.” He looks so sexy and genial. How can I resist?
“Okay.” I place my hand in his, because quite simply, I’d trust him with my life. What has he got planned? My heart starts pounding in anticipation.

Really? You’d trust him with your life when he tells you not to pee when you have to? Okay, then! It’s your life!

He strokes my cheek with his index finger, trailing it down to my mouth. He leans in as if to kiss me.
“Do you want to play?” he says, his voice low, and everything in my body heads south as desire unfurls deep in my belly.

Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen.
And I bet all the Twihards reading this are imagining Edward Cullen staring at them while he looks extremely constipated. Image via

 I stretch out my legs. Oh my, that feels good. I feel good. That was, without doubt, the most intense climax I have ever endured. Hmm”¦ a Christian Grey Fifty Shades punishment fuck.

That’s right, order your Christian Grey Fifty Shades punishment fuck right now and feel as awesome as Ana does! But trust me, it’s not worth all the drama and emotional baggage that come along with it!

And that’s it ’til tomorrow!

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