Recap: RuPaul’s Drag Race, Episode 5.5, “Snatch A Falling Star and Put It In Your Hot Box”

Persephoneers, are your charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent ready for some truly hot snatch? No, sadly, I have not sent a sexy, adventurous person to your house to lift your spirits… but I am going to recap one of the best episodes of RuPaul’s Drag Race: The Snatch Game!

One note for these recaps: pronouns. When a contestant (or judge) is presenting as male, I will use the “he” pronoun; when presenting female, the “she.” The exception being, if the person states otherwise. For example, Monica Beverly Hillz is a Transgender Woman, so I will always refer to her as she, naturally. I will strive to be responsible and respectful at all times. If you see me mess up, call me out in the comments!

Last week’s double elimination (dun dun!) left our queens shaken and stirred. Ru showed these ladies that anything can happen in this crazy game we call reality TV. If the Duggars have a show and people watch it (who – WHO watches that shit?), then the universe is truly chaos, and we, merely so many cows spinning in a twister. And our metaphors make no sense, either.

The mini challenge this week reeked of Us Weekly (which already reeks of Kardashian): a “who wore it best?” contest in which the contestants grabbed a base schmatta which they then had to turn into a fabulous couture gown. In fact, Senior Editor of US Weekly, Ian Drew, was on hand to judge. It must have been a nice change from deciding which size zero starlet to mock for still possessing organs. Ian decided that Detox wore the zebra best, Roxxxy sported the giraffe most bestily, and Alyssa posed in pink the supercalifragilistibestest. They won Us Weekly swag bags, which contained more opportunities for Ru to say Us Weekly on air.

Ru then announced “The Snatch Game,” and well, everyone was jazzed! This game, which really separates the queens from the paupers, is like “The Match Game,” except with a bunch of drag stars imitating female celebrities. It’s like the inception of snatch.

Be fabulous, be a star, be funny – these are the divine rules of thine Snatch Game. The “funny” part – this will be the downfall of more than a few. I never have that problem, because when I want to be hi-larious, I just type the word “snatch” a lot.

Judging “The Snatch Game” were… Julie Brown and Downtown Julie Brown! It was like my dorky years after a day in middle school, friends, except I have booze now when I watch them. They both looked amazing.

Jinkx Monsoon chose Little Edie. Ru loved the choice, but was worried about the audience not knowing who she was. I think the audience of the Drag Race will be more likely than most to have seen Grey Gardens. This choice was wonderful – Jinkx was amazing, true to her subject, and charmingly funny in a way that was born of the character and not malice. Julie Brown said she ruled The Snatch Game – yay! They called her “the Meryl Streep of drag queens.” All bow down, and now!

Ivy played Marilyn Monroe and…um…the less said the better. I have a great admiration for the smart, amazing woman that Marilyn was and this tribute fell flat on every level. She was asked a question about presidents, and Ivy did not get the Kennedy joke Ru softballed to her, but Jinkx did, playing it up for Team Edie. The panel loved her runway dress, but loathed her Marilyn, natch.

Jade picked Taylor Swift and…um…a blonde wig does not a slut-shaming, Kanye-stopping starlet make. There is SO much to work with regarding Taylor, and Jade just sat there, smiling.

Katy Perry visited the game via Alyssa Edwards. Ugh, y’all. Ru asked her if she’d ever kissed a girl, and Katy replied, “No.” Crickets. At judging, Ru told Alyssa that she must tweet a #RuPaulogy to Katy for the shameful performance. Ouch. Only her immunity saved her.

Alaska was doing Lady Bunny. Ru called Bunny the funniest person he’d met in real life. Gulp. That’s a whole lotta tail to live up to, but Alaska did pretty well in the LOL department (it’s in the back, next to shoes). I don’t know Lady Bunny from Lady Adam, but funny is funny. The judges were pretty happy with her Bunny, except the voice was lacking.

Detox chose Ke$ha, which sucks, because now I have to type a name with a dollar sign in it. He knows Ke$ha and seemed loathe to slander her, which is not good when your goal is to mock someone for laughs. I guess she was okay, but she committed the biggest sin of the evening – NOT BEING FUNNY. Toward the end, she “peed” on stage and made a mess. For a reason. Is that a thing? I’m a little afraid to Google “Ke$ha peeing” because I don’t want to scar my eyeballs. Julie Brown pointed out that Ke$ha just isn’t any fun – she didn’t want to hang out with Ke$ha. Indeed, my wise childhood maven.

Exit stage left for rant: YOU LADIES KNOW THAT THE SNATCH GAME WILL COME FOR YOUR ASS. YOU KNOW YOU MUST BE FUNNY. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU NOT PREPARE SOMETHING FOR THIS EPISODE I JUST DON’T EVEN KNOW. ARGH! UGH! GRRRRRRRRRRRR! /rant.

Lineysha Sparks made a horrid, frankly, choice – Michelle Obama. If you love Lady O, you don’t want a hack making stupid sport of her. If you hate Lady O, then you may have a brain problem and will want to consult with your doctor. Lineysha practiced her Michelle voice, saying, “I am Michelle Obama and I approved this message.” It came out in Lineysha’s delightful accent, which, as my husband put it, sounded much more, “I am Michelle Obama. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” In the end, she switched to be Celia Cruz, the queen of salsa. The dancing kind. I wonder if there is a queen of salsa, the dipping kind. I bet she’s fun at parties. But not Lineysha. No, this salsa was of the unfunny variety, like if someone added a bunch of cauliflower to it. The judges called her “generic,” a true sin.

Coco went with Janet Jackson, and while her voice and look were top notch, she (let’s all say it together) wasn’t funny.

Tamar Braxton was portrayed by Roxxxy Andrews, who was great from moment one. Since a lot of us might not know Tamar, in her initial schtick she stated the premise – that she was on a show without Toni (her famous sister) and finally ready to shine. Well done, my lovely. The performance went over very well with the judges.

And then it was over and we all had a cocktail, even my cat, who was more interested in her own snatch than the game.

In the work room, Jinkx had to defend himself for being funny instead of a glamour queen. I feel Jinkx, because funny girl is not always an easy road to hoe when all anyone seems to value is the sparkly, shiny status quo. I’m really rooting for Jinkx this season – I think just like Sharon Needles, he could take the whole thing with his uniqueness.

The runway theme was girly glamour – deadliest snatch edition. That’s what I call Wednesday night when my fella and I play “praying mantis.”

Ivy Winters wore a goldfish dress – all curve-hugging with a side of fish eye. I’m not being cute; there was an eyeball on her gown. Detox wore a weather balloon and called it a jellyfish. Jade wore all black with a bunch of chains on, and I don’t know what it had to do with deadliest snatch, unless the snatch got caught in a fisherman’s net which, well, haven’t we all been there? Roxxxy forgot her pants, but added a blingy grey blazer she found on sale at Marshall’s.

Jinkx wore “Seattle boho chic” and looked pretty in a long blonde wig and a belted, swishy, satiney scarf dress trimmed in yellow. It was super cute, I thought. But Michelle went after Jinkx for her runway look again, saying it was too pedestrian and not glam enough. Coco sashayed down the runway and I said, “Wow” – long, blonde wig, hot pink giraffe (!) bodysuit with thigh-high matching boots. She looked like the unholy child of the bunny outfit from A Christmas Story and the leg lamp. In other words: freaking awesome.

Alyssa Edwards wore a maroon mermaid dress with feathered beret. It was kinda yawn. Lineysha also pulled out the all-black-sexy-leotard sort of thing, but didn’t make it fresh or new. Alaska channeled Cher from Mermaids and added a fish (literal) accessory to make her point especially subtle. It was a brook trout her grandpa had caught once upon a time – adorable!

Jinkx won the episode, and damn right! Ru said, “You gave us fifty shades of Grey Gardens,” and that’s the first reference to that accursed book I’ve ever enjoyed.

Lineysha and Detox were dragged to the bottom of the heap. They lip-synched to “Take Me Home,” as performed by Cher. Lineysha went for sexy; Detox chose funny. Plus, Detox spun in her jellyfish dress and showed us all her Pandora Boxx. She chaunte stayed! Excellent choice, Ru. Poor Lineysha was simply outclassed at every turn this time, but she’s a gorgeous queen and we wish her well.