Results May Vary

It’s time for some serious over-sharing, folks, so be forewarned. Melatonin makes me hella horny.

Jon bought a bottle of melatonin from Costco a few months ago. I had never tried it before, and thought I would give it a shot to see if it would help me feel more rested in the morning. The first night I took it, I fell asleep on the couch like I usually do, but had really vivid dreams pretty much as soon as my eyes closed, although I couldn’t remember any details. Just for clarification, it is pretty much routine for me to fall asleep on the couch for a bit, then Jon wakes me up when he goes to bed and I head off to the bedroom. I would probably get better sleep if I just went to bed when I was sleepy, but I don’t. Thankfully, once I fall asleep, I sleep like the dead, and even if I am roused off the couch, I fall right back sleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. Jon says I turn into a three-year-old once I’ve passed out; I stumble around, mumbling incoherently, and even when I am clearly awake and upright, I retain little or nothing of anything he tells me.

picture of a young Michael J. Fox wearing a blue button up shirt, a black sports coat and jeans, holding a cup
Adorbs, but not my usual go-to wank material. Photo by Alan Light.

The second night, I had really vivid dreams again. Really vivid. Sex type dreams. Of me and Michael J. Fox. Look, Alex P. Keaton was adorable, but I have never in my life had a thing for Michael J. Fox. Also, this was before the Golden Globes and his cutie-patootie son; I had not seen or heard anything about Mr. Fox in quite some time. Yet there he was in my subconscious, sexing me up real nice. Real nice. Again, this occurred during my couch nap, which is just odd considering I hadn’t been asleep long enough for dreams to kick in.

Third night, I take a capsule because, at this point, I am not connecting the melatonin with the weirdness. Since we had been getting ready to move, prepping for the holidays, and fighting off various illnesses, I was chalking the sex dreams up to my lack of fucking. I followed the usual couch routine, but when Jon woke me up to go to bed, he roused me out of some raucous, raunchy, and wonderful dreams. I went upstairs and got into bed; he got into the shower. I was super duper raring to go, so I grabbed my trusty little egg out of the nightstand and rubbed one out. While I am a huge fan of my vibrator, I am not typically one to use it when a willing sexual partner is ten feet away in the shower (I like to use it with him). Also, when I woke up the next morning, I didn’t remember doing it until something jogged my memory and I had to really think about whether I had actually done it or not. That was when it dawned on me that perhaps the melatonin was turning me into a frisky little nocturnal sex monkey.

There are many stories of people having odd reactions to seemingly innocuous things. My mother-in-law won’t take NyQuil because the one time she did, she hallucinated snakes everywhere. My best friend says melatonin makes her feel like she has done a ton of coke, which kind of defeats the purpose. When I tried nicotine patches, I had the most amazing dreams, dreams where I took my cat to the vet to teach him how to ice skate; dreams where I lived inside a hot air balloon and bounced from room to room all day; dreams that made me want to be on the patch forever. Other people have had such horrific nightmares on them that they are terrified to slap one on.

How about you all? Do any of you react to certain medications or supplements in ways that a “possible side effects” warning never prepared you for?

10 replies on “Results May Vary”

Damn. Melatonin never did that to me. Gotta say, hella jealous.

I take tramadol for my gut-wrenching cramps (my penance for my beloved IUD) but the side effect is that I itch like crazy at night. Only at night. The stronger the dosage, the worse the itch. It’ll be my arm or my leg. A patch of skin on my neck will turn red. Stranjay. But I’m not giving it up. I’ll take a temporary itch over a knife-throwing party in my pantalones.

Well now you’ve made me want to try melatonin :-D (Come to think of it — no pun intended — I have some in the cabinet I got when my little one was having sleep issues. I never gave it to him, and now I’m wondering if I should :-)

I always got that coked-out feeling from the Hell brand of Robitussin gel caps. When they changed the formula to keep it on the shelves they messed it up. Which is probably a good thing, but damn I miss it when there’s a lot of housework to do.

Codeine made me stupid. Like, barely following a simple conversation stupid. I had bronchitis and a friend with an off-campus apartment insisted that I stay with her, where I’d be able to sleep and someone would be around to make sure I took my medicine and didn’t have any reactions. I kept asking about things she’d said fifteen minutes earlier, because my brain was processing things so. slowly.
On the other hand, her cats LOVED me that weekend. Apparently I made a comfy bed for them.

Oh man, when I woke up from having shoulder surgery, I cried uncontrollably. Like, hysterical sobbing, and I just kept saying “I don’t know why I’m crying!!!” The nurses were amazing and told me it happened to some people, but it was totally embarrassing.
Totally forgot about that.

Leave a Reply