You’re Joking, Right?

That’s it. It’s gone too far. I just cannot even imagine how someone thought this was a good idea. I don’t know how it became a lucrative business opportunity. Oh, wait, yes I do. In this world we live in, we must do everything in real time. We must invite everyone into every corner of our lives. We must broadcast to the world our every thought and every important moment.

In short, we must have sonogram parties so that everyone can stare at our unborn children while eating snacks.

Bored looking baby slouched in a chair
Even your baby is bored by your baby.

I wish I were joking. I do. I know that I’m a little bit cynical and slightly pessimistic and maybe somewhat hateful towards the twee in life, but why in God’s name would you invite someone to view your baby in utero? You used to get the sonogram picture, or even the 3-D video, and pass it around at Christmas. Relatives would ooh and aah and then you would hang the picture on your fridge and wait for another five months until the real thing popped out of you in screaming, bloody glory.

And EVERYONE WAS COOL WITH THAT. Do you know why? Because everyone else is already bored with your baby.

Before you jump down my throat, let me explain. I care about you. You are, presumably, a close friend or family member of mine. I am excited about this new step in your life. I want everything to go off without a hitch. I want to put your baby in a hilarious onesie and eventually teach that kid horrible things that he should never say which you will then have to train out of him. (I will never, however, admit to doing this.)

But the thought of being invited to a sonogram party? Makes me roll my eyes. You are being taken. Why are you paying some company, which is not even a medical facility, 300 plus dollars just to have a womb party? Because that’s what this is. It’s real time Facebook. It’s this weird need we have for everyone to be looking at us all the time, as if our every move is golden. You are having a baby. You are probably not having the Messiah.

And that’s just one reason it’s a bad idea. Another reason? Sure, maybe your last sonogram went off without a hitch and so you plan this party. What if something goes horribly wrong in that week and a half. What if there’s no heartbeat? That is going to be a horrible moment shared by all who love you, you’re going to panic, and oh yeah. You’re NOT IN A HOSPITAL. You have to leave and be rushed INTO A HOSPITAL. And I don’t care how “professional” these pop-up sonogram places are. If something goes wrong, they’re going to have an awfully hard time hiding it. And that is going to ruin your cocktail party/gender reveal.

I know. I’m being terribly harsh. I’m being horribly mean. You can’t believe we were ever friends. But honey? This is tough love. Your pregnancy, however exciting, should not be the equivalent of a link to a video in a tweet that I feel like I have to watch because we’re friends. How about we make a deal? Just don’t invite me. Unless the snacks are really, really good.

(Image courtesy Hillary)

By amandamarieg

Amandamarieg is a lawyer who does not work as a lawyer. She once wrote up a plan to take over the world and turned it in as a paper for a college course. She only received an A-, because she forgot that she would need tech geeks to pull off her scheme.

8 replies on “You’re Joking, Right?”

Having been pregnant three times and have a tough round the second time and a miscarriage the third? This is not a good idea. What if some of your friends have had miscarriages? And why would we all want to stare at the baby belly? I love looking at pictures that are a result of the u/s but I don’t think I could watch a friend’s u/s unless they were super close to me.

Well, especially since you can look at the picture and go, “AAAWWWW” and then hand it back. When you’re sitting in the room, you just feel like you’re being invasive. Where does one LOOK? How long can you really stare at an ultrasound before you just get bored? And I hear you on the miscarriages. I was talking to Mom about the whole thing (to make sure I wasn’t wrong in thinking this was INSANE) and she reminded me that the only reason she HAD ultrasounds back in the day was because she kept nearly miscarrying me and my brothers. For her, the process was incredibly stressful. I can’t imagine inviting other people into that. Not to mention the whole, “Look at my healthy pregnancy, everyone! I am MOTHER EARTH!” angle.

If I’m gonna have a party, I don’t want to spend the whole thing covered in that gross-ass gel they put on you for ultrasounds, or with my naked stomach sticking out at all for that matter. Besides, when I had mine done, the kiddo just kept rotating to stick her face in front of the wand so we couldn’t figure out if she was a boy or girl and I left in tears. Not my idea of fun.

Your kid is a jerk, man. A huge jerk. No, I’m just kidding. Never having been pregnant myself, I have no idea of the frustration that could bring. I can’t help but think I would walk out of there thinking I had made a permanent adversary though. “Oh, THIS is how it’s gonna be? You just WAIT.” But again, never having been part of the frustration, I can’t REALLY understand it. I can only pretend to the best of my abilities.

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