How To Look Like You Didn’t Cry Yourself To Sleep

The last month for me has been, to put it succinctly, overwhelming. I have started a new job, away from everyone I know, it’s at a casket factory for the love of Pete (whoever he is) and I live on the second floor of an apartment. I spend most of my days just trying to get all the groceries upstairs without causing myself grievous injury.

But the real problem is that sometimes things get so overwhelming that I just burst into tears. Like last night, when I couldn’t get the microwave to fit anywhere in my kitchen. Or two weeks ago, when I couldn’t find a coaxial cable for fifteen miles. Or three weeks ago, when I got into a stupid fight with my boyfriend that lasted around four hours. I am a crier. Everything makes me cry. And once I get started, there’s no stopping, which means I tend to cry myself to sleep. And when I wake up? BAM. The puffy eyes.

This means I have become something of a genius when it comes to going to work/school/anywhere and not let on that you’ve been bawling your eyes out for the last 24 hours. My steps to success follow.

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  1. Have a good excuse. This works wonders. “My allergies are KILLING me.” “That big storm last night was so loud! I think I only got three hours of sleep.” Most people will believe most lies, provided the lie is reasonable.
  2. As soon as you wake up, put something on those suckers. I bought an eye gel from The Body Shop in January. I had no idea what to use it for, but it was nearly free, so I couldn’t pass it up. It zaps puffy eyes. I put it on when I wake up after a night of sobbing, and I reapply at least twice before I leave. It takes down some of the horrific swelling.
  3. Some people swear by cold tea bags or spoons. I have never tried this method, because ain’t nobody got time for that. I’m usually in a hurry. I don’t have time to hold spoons to my eyes for twenty minutes per eye. Instead, massage your eyes while you eat breakfast. Use your middle finger, and lightly tap from the inside to the outside of your lower lid repeatedly. This gets the blood flowing, which is what the caffeine from the tea bags is supposed to do.
  4. Don’t lie down! Seriously, keep your head elevated. And if you can think about it the night before, don’t sleep on your stomach. The fluid in your eyes basically has to drain, gross as it is, so stay sitting up. Pretend to be alert.
  5. Skip all unnecessary eye makeup. “But all my eye makeup is necessary!” I hear you saying. Shut up. You do not want to draw attention to your eyes right now. And this will help you really complete that, “was late for work, just rolled out of bed look,” making your earlier lie more believable.


If you follow my not-quite foolproof tips, will your swelling be gone? No! I’m neither a doctor, nor a miracle worker. But the swelling will probably go down at least enough for you to feel comfortable by the time you head out the door. You will still feel like hell, though you will only look like what the cat dragged in. Final tip: Hydrate. You’ve lost a lot of liquid, honey, and you need to put it back in your system. It will help you feel better, as well as brighten your skin.

By amandamarieg

Amandamarieg is a lawyer who does not work as a lawyer. She once wrote up a plan to take over the world and turned it in as a paper for a college course. She only received an A-, because she forgot that she would need tech geeks to pull off her scheme.

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